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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sad that ILs didn't send a present for baby's 1st birthday?

32 replies

seoladair · 14/05/2012 23:03

They are difficult people, and are each estranged from a child from their respective first marriages. FIL disinherited his eldest son a few years ago.
They are wealthy, but have tried over the past year to give us loads of horrible second-hand baby stuff. I'm disappointed that that all my baby got from them was a card. Ironically their housekeeper sent a lovely present.
Am I being overly sensitive or is it normal for grand-parents to give 1st-birthday presents?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/05/2012 23:08

It is normal, yes.
What does your DH think?

Original poster
seoladair · 14/05/2012 23:13

He always tries to make excuses for them, but he's disappointed, yes. It was rather pathetic hearing him trying to come up with plausible reasons for it, but he's scared of his parents, so he says we should pretend we don't, and thank them for the card.

OP posts:
Original poster
seoladair · 14/05/2012 23:13

that should have said "pretend we don't mind"

OP posts:
sunnydelight · 14/05/2012 23:15

They sent a card so acknowledged the day. Presents are nice but hardly compulsory. It sounds like family relationships are difficult so I would just thank them for the card tbh.

Original poster
seoladair · 14/05/2012 23:19

Yes, that's good advice, sunny. But I feel so depressed that they don't value the baby enough to give her anything other than second-hand tat...

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/05/2012 23:22

I think you're being ungrateful to be honest and a little precious

Many people are grateful for 'second-hand tat' as you so graciously put it.

Cashncarry · 14/05/2012 23:22

If it makes you feel any better, I didn't even bother to buy baby number three a first birthday present and he's my baby! I did give him a wrapped up shoebox though

They sound like twats though so I'd thank them by email/text for their card and send their housekeeper a big fuck off bunch of flowers asking her to be Godmother - that'll learn 'em!

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 14/05/2012 23:23

What Worra said.

my2centsis · 14/05/2012 23:32

I partners mum has met dd (4) once and sent her 1 present and hasn't met ds (5mo) at all. We have huts from her 3 times over the last year.

Dp and I were ment to be getting in married in July as my dad was coming from USA (we live in nz) before we started planning we rang her asking if she can come. She said yes so we started planning and spending $. Untill 1week ago she rings saying she can't come. We offer to pay for flights (she lives a 2hour flight away) she says she can't get time off work (she had 4months notice) she cries to do and asks us to postpone till convenient for her.

Now do and I have had a big fight and cancelled our weddig as he feels sorry for her!!!

So angry!

my2centsis · 14/05/2012 23:34

Gosh so sorry op for ranting all over your thread!! I'm very angry/upset and started typing fast and angry, pushed post then realized how rude I was!!

IsLovingAndGiving · 14/05/2012 23:36

Dc2 turned 5 & Dc3 turned 1 last week & only received cards from my parents. My parents are currently working abroad, but left cards for the kids with me before they left, but no present. I am really not bothered- dc2 received plenty from other family members & friends, as did dc3 (who obviously has no understanding of birthdays or presents yet).

Perhaps your in laws don't feel the need to buy more toys for a baby who probably has plenty already. It is a little strange they didn't buy a present, but really not a big deal. I'd be grateful for the second hand stuff & save your money!

WorraLiberty · 14/05/2012 23:42

It would be worse if they didn't send a card or acknowledge the birthday at all

As for the 'second-hand tat'...well some people think they're being kind/nice/helpful but going to the trouble of getting it for you, even if you don't like what they've given you.

My MIL is the type who can't pass a charity shop because she feels as though she has to give money to all of them.

You wouldn't believe some of the things she's given us and the kids...many books for example have pages missing! Grin

But you know what? We've all come to love her for it because it's part of who she is.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 14/05/2012 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

splashymcsplash · 15/05/2012 10:03

I also felt peed off that dd's grandparents on het fathers side didn't send even a card when she was born or on her first birthday. I don't think that is ungrateful as there is quite literally nothing to be grateful for. And she is their first and still only grandchild.

Your case is a little different though as they have made some effort. I wouldn't necessarily judge then on buying second hand items, its the thought that counts.

Original poster
seoladair · 15/05/2012 12:31

Thanks for helpful mix of responses. I hope I'm not having a sense of entitlement - it's actually more about the context, which is that they are difficult people, and MIL always has a scapegoat. As a child, it was her brother, who apparently was the favourite. Then it was her first husband, and subsequently her daughter until she had had enough of it and cut ties. Then it was her second husband husband, who is hen-pecked. I sometimes feel I'm the latest scapegoat...so I'm probably just being over-sensitive about the present.

OP posts:
Ithinkitsjustme · 15/05/2012 12:41

Out of interest, is there any chance that they have bought a present but didn't want to post it and will give it to her next time they see you? Also, is it possible that they have got the impression that their gifts aren't wanted/ appreciated.

Original poster
seoladair · 15/05/2012 12:56

Well, we shall see; maybe they will give something next time. I doubt it though.

The gifts weren't appreciated - a old bouncy cradle which had a frayed harness, and had poo marks and sick on it; a second-hand car seat which smelt of wee etc etc. If they were poor, it would be kind of different, but they just revamped their pool and tennis courts. Anyway....

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 15/05/2012 13:04

My childrens grandparents have always bought them 1st birthday presents, a walker, a doll, a toy dog that woofed (thanks for that pil Grin).

I think you are being a bit entitled to mention that it would be alright if they were poor Hmm. They can spend their money on whatever they please.

xkatyx · 15/05/2012 13:07

When my first born was born we for
Nothing, when we had him
Christening, they came and brought not even a card!

When my daughter was born, they didn't even call!! Didn't see her till she was 5!!

When my 2nd daughter was born she was in Intensive care and very poorly, no card no phone all nothing!

When it was her first birthday she got a card!! (miracle)

I fell pregnant quickly with my twins, when they were born they got a card, when they got christened they got nothing!!

It was my ds birthday not long ago they send a card and said they put
Money in but we didn't get it!!

Despite all this I send them cards on there birthdays etc, moral of the story is .. Some people are arseholes but rose
Above it!

gallifrey · 16/05/2012 12:10

My in laws who are actually lovely didn't even get us a card when our baby was born or even a present!

Chandon · 16/05/2012 12:18

yabu

you sounds as if you can only measure if someone cares for you by them giving (non second hand) presents...

cloudyatlas · 16/05/2012 13:08

YANBU

Sending a gift is a tradition. It's a way of showing that you care. A card is fine, but suggests that they realised when her birthday was, but decided not to buy a present- which is a little weird if the relatives concerned are well off.

medievalgirl · 16/05/2012 14:24

YABU. They acknowledged the birthday, which is the important thing. DH and I didn't even give birthday presents to our own children on their first birthdays as the boys have got far too much stuff already. It's not as though the children are old enough to understand.

mypersonalfavourite · 16/05/2012 14:24

Yanbu. What cloudy said.

TheHappyHissy · 16/05/2012 14:34

seoladair

Yes they are crap, the pair of them.

BUT... Your mistake, if I may call it that, is that you EXPECTED them to buck their well known and established trend.

You both need to relax, release and accept that they will NEVER be decent IL, that they have to have a BADDIE somewhere in the picture. Stop expecting them to come through 'this time', they won't. I learnt this lesson the hard way with my family.

Have a look at Toxic Parents as a book to help your DH come to terms with their shortcomings.