AIBU to feel sad that ILs didn't send a present for baby's 1st birthday?

[seoladair]

They are difficult people, and are each estranged from a child from their respective first marriages. FIL disinherited his eldest son a few years ago.
They are wealthy, but have tried over the past year to give us loads of horrible second-hand baby stuff. I'm disappointed that that all my baby got from them was a card. Ironically their housekeeper sent a lovely present.
Am I being overly sensitive or is it normal for grand-parents to give 1st-birthday presents?

The jury is still out on this one, it seems!
To me it feels as though MIL is making some kind of point. (I leave FIL out of this because MIL always takes charge of present buying)
If she wasn't such a tricky character, I probably wouldn't be so bothered. I should probably talk to my husband's half-sister, the one who is estranged from my MIL, to get some context.
Thanks for all the replies!

Happyhissy, I just saw your post.
You are right, they will always be tricky and I can't do anything about it.
I've never read Toxic Parents, but have seem lots of references to it on MN, and from the little I've read about Fear, Obligation and Guilt, I can relate to it with regard to my husband's attitude to his parents.
He used to think they were normal, but is slowly realising that there is never any aggro from my parents, and then he sees his parents causing so many problems. I think it's hard for him - everyone wants to believe their parents to be lovely. His mother still shouts at him, and he's in his 30s!

My love, I'm 44 this year. I only realised MY family are a bunch of wolverines not entirely normal this year!

It takes significant life events for us to rely on them for a normal reaction, and suddenly it doesn't come.

For me it was my mother cutting contact via text/phone for weeks on end if ever I happened to mention that I was having a tough day with my (abusive) ex.

My sister did the same, but made damned sure that she told me that she deliberately ignored me. I was thousands of miles away from home, alone and trapped. They all knew this.

They BOTH Ffed off to NZ the week (widely known for months) that Ex was finally leaving and didn't contact me for weeks after they got back either.

I told my therapy group leader and she said to me. Your family have history of ignoring you when you need them. WHY are you disappointed NOW? The clues are all there for you to predict that they would do this to you in bigger fashion.

She was quite tough on me and it hurt like mad at the time. She was right though, which is why I pass the same message to you and your DH.

I'm so sorry that he has to come to this realisation, it's just sickening to realise what they are like. I'm in the process of waiting them to move away and then I will be free of any obligation to them. I'm ready for that day.

He needs to understand that THEY chose to do this, and more importantly, that it's NOTHING at all about him. He is not at fault here, they are.

We have a thread here on MN called Stately Homes, it may be of some use to your DH in time.

Happyhissy
I'm so sorry - that all sounds awful. Some people just seem to do the opposite of what is expected of them.
I've seen the Stately Homes thread, but haven't shown it to my husband; it would upset him too much. He wants to think his family is OK. He does know theyare problematic, and says his childhood was very difficult, due to all the fights and estrangements etc but his tendency is to hide his head in the sand. He openly says that his way of coping is to ignore the hurtful behaviour. He also says that confronting them makes things worse, which I have to admit is true.

YANBU - people spend money on what matters to them. It's not about the not sending a present. It is about spending money on a pool and tennis courts and giving you a smelly, old, potentially unsafe carseat. The comparison would rile me too on my child's behalf.

BUT your dc is too young to know - and who knows, maybe a present is on it's way, or maybe they have the hump because you rejected their carbootsale "bargains".

My MIL trawls through charity shops too - sometimes she comes up with great stuff! Sometimes it's real tat that causes great hilarity to her dc who've grown up with just passing stuff back to her for return - but it's still embarrassing to me to say no to a present. Family dynamics!

A lot of technically wealthy people have surprisingly little disposable income, or perceive themselves as not being able to 'afford' much. My husband thinks it's how they manage to stay wealthy (as a financial advisor, he should know!). Could it be that they thought they were being helpful and thrifty, rather than offensive?

extraordinary - Oh, undoubtedly, they think they are generous. But they're only generous to themselves! Still, as others have pointed out, that's their prerogative.
Gentleness -yes, my baby is too young to know, which I suppose is why I've taken it personally.
I guess this thread is not just about the lack of birthday present; it's all about tricky family dynamics, as you point out.

I used to get on better with them before the baby arrived. I was always aware of the family problems, but I wasn't really affected before. As soon as the baby was born, I got sensitive. Maybe it was partly post-natal hormones.

MIL came to the hospital when baby was 1 day old. My husband said "What do you think of her, Mum?" She replied "Well, the top half's OK. The legs are a bit strange". (i.e. they were still bendy from the womb)

When I got out of bed and sat beside her to show her the baby, she said "You should have a shower." (Maybe it was true, but not a tactful thing to say to someone who has just given birth)

She then said to me, still in hospital, "Oh, her skin is like mine. I do hope she has my skin; that would be much better than your pale skin". (i.e. my skin. Anyway it turned out the baby had a touch of jaundice.)

When she was 6 weeks old, MIL said "She's very fat, Seoladair. Are you feeding her too much? You should ration her milk". (My health visitor said the idea of putting a 6-week-old on a diet was not just stupid, but dangerous".

The next week, baby and I were staying with my parents, and ILs rang me, ranting that I should be with my husband "being a proper wife, and doing his laundry and cookery for him" (My husband was very relaxed about me being with my family, and was actually enjoying the break from babycare!)

I am just venting now, but this is a snapshot of the past year, which is why I am tense about them, and possibly over-reacting to the lack of birthday present for baby.