In thinking that people don't value the quality of just being 'nice' in children anymore

[professorsnape]

This occured to me the other day. So many parents nowadays (i mean my friends, work colleagues, sisters - my wide sample group ) value qualities in their children such as;

Cleverness, sporty, wonderfully funny, reaching milestones early, getting great exam grades, great readers, beautiful, the best at (blank, to be filled in), musical, artistic, academic.

Whatever happened to people wanting their children to just be 'nice'.

If everyone who met my DC (all 3 of them) in life and said they we're 'nice' people, I'd be delighted!

Interesting post as a friend and I had that discussion today

Upshot was her DD is often referred to as cute / funny / wacky and the word that everyone uses to describe DD is "kind" - I was thrilled with that and couldn't ask for anything better.

Went to DD's year 8 parents' evening earlier in the year. Sat in front of the IT teacher who pulled out dd's file, looked up at me and just said "Nice kid!"

I nearly burst with pride

ds2 is nice and I'm very happy for him because of that

YANBU. I have "nice kids" and I do sometimes worry about them in today's society where the meek definitely do not inherit the earth!!!

whenever dd1 does well/ acheives something at school or activities, she always asks 'are you proud of me mum?' and i always tell her that I am proud of her all the time because she is a lovely girl, and I am proud of her whether she does well at school/activities or not.

YANBU..far too much empthasis on 'acheiving'..should be more about enjoying

It's very important to me! I have been known to end parent's evening appointments with 'but is she nice?'

I'm not sure sunnydelight, I think genuine niceness can get you a long way in life. And if it doesn't, at least we can sleep easy!

DD has that kind of thing written on her school report most years - nice, kind, polite, respectful, a pleasure to teach and so on.

DS's teachers often say he is polite as well.

So teachers must think these things are worth mentioning.

Not sure that people I know are the same as people I know, in that I've said to ds's friends' parents on more than one occasion what lovely lads they are - I think that qualifies as 'nice' - and people regularly say it to me about my dc too. However, sometimes your dc has just swum a mile or won a football tournament or passed their ballet exam, etc., and it's a bit of 'news', so gets mentioned. Whereas I wouldn't go into work each day and say 'My dc are 'nice''. . they'd all be looking at me like this .

OTOH I'm described by people as "nice" etc. but TBH I could do with a few more of those other qualities too as my confidence is low-ish and my career pretty unsuccessful

DS1 is nice, DS2 not so much, probably because DS1 lets him walk all over him.

But DS1 will hold a door for someone, will offer his coat if someone else is cold, will stop to help a mate even if it means missing out on something himself etc.

Sometimes I want him to not be so nice because the world is not nice, hopefully he will learn there is a time and a place but being nice all the time can get you crushed.

Yanbu

I think nice is lovely. I know parents who egg their children on to get to the swing first, fight back if anyone pushes you around and urge them to push themselves forward all the time. I thkn they will do well in our society but wouldn't want my litlte boys to be like that.

My ds is nice kind and polite and a joy to have in the class - according to his teacher, he is a little gentleman and opens doors for girls/women, I do worry sometimes that he is too kind and gentle, and well maybe taken advantage of sometimes.

nice was an insult when I was growing up. If all you could think to say about someone was they were "nice", it meant they had few redeeming qualities.

Nice is a word we try to stop children using in writing etc as it's dull! Being kind etc will however get them far as regards relationships with others- I'm not as nice as I wish I was, and it worries me when my 2 yo is being less than nice.....

We were always very focussed on DD being compassionate; it's a quality that is incredibly important to DH and I and we both feel that we exhibit compassion. I was thrilled recently when DD's nursery teacher told me a few titbits that demonstrated how incredibly compassionate and kind my DD had been to other children.

'Nice' is an important value in our household.

DD1 is a nice considerate, hold the door open and notice if your feeling under the weather type.
DD2 can be very nice, but generally only if there's something in it for her.

You can guess which one has most friends

YANBU although deep down I think that's what the vast majority of parents want for their children - for other people to like them. IME as a teacher the comments that got the biggest smiles from parents were the ones about how nice, friendly, kind etc their child was. They would be quite businesslike about comments relating to achievements but any comments about the child's personality (good or bad) were taken much more seriously.

YANBU. I mentioned this to a girl I work with the other day. Her DD is 4 and starting school next year and is in pre school nursery at the mo. She was saying she wants to make sure she is pushed academically etc and doesn't feel her nursery does this. I said I thought at this age being a nice kind child was probably more important to me than pushing them 'academically'.

My heart always sinks a little when I hear of small children being pushed academically. Childhood is the one time in a person's life when they can really just live, and enjoy things without having to worry about bills and responsibilities. Being pressurised and made to feel like you have to achieve all the time is just as bad as being neglected IMO.

Couldn't agree more CailinDana- as a teacher-parent myself I've always saud that when we get to parents' eves I'll be much more concerned that they are kind, sociable and have lots of friends... Thee qualities may well serve them better than being top of the class.

I am a nice person, I have had counselling to prove it!!
I think just finding a word in passing and a smile for people whoever rotten you are feeling is, in most circumstances, the social glue that helps society to function.
My children are nice too, though my DD is scary. My son and DGS1 are real charmers but not in a superficial sense.
My ExH would never smile or make small talk, I drove him mad!
DP's cardinal sin has been to bump into people she knows when with me and NOT introduce me!!! Aaargh!
It's simple good manners not to leave your companion stood there like a numpty.
I always use niceness in children as mt intimate compliment; it's always the nice kids you are happy to invite to the park etc. there are two new children on our allotment whose smiles in greeting light up the day, and they had ice lollies in the sunshine as thanks.

It is perfectly possible to be nice and sporty, successful etc.

I think it is a huge mistake to think you can't. And a very british thing to think it so.

You're totally right, wordfactory. I'm talking more about parents who prioritise success over social skills - to the extent that they actually cut their children off from other children and stunt their social growth.

Ah well, I wouldn't want to do that. And frankly, knowing many many uber succesful adults and DC, I ca say that's not necessary.

However, I'm very aware that being nice won't pay the bills, it won't be enough to make anyone love you, it won't keep you satisifed or happy all your life...

Being nice alone, just isn't neough.