In thinking that people don't value the quality of just being 'nice' in children anymore

[professorsnape]

This occured to me the other day. So many parents nowadays (i mean my friends, work colleagues, sisters - my wide sample group ) value qualities in their children such as;

Cleverness, sporty, wonderfully funny, reaching milestones early, getting great exam grades, great readers, beautiful, the best at (blank, to be filled in), musical, artistic, academic.

Whatever happened to people wanting their children to just be 'nice'.

If everyone who met my DC (all 3 of them) in life and said they we're 'nice' people, I'd be delighted!

IMHO you can give a child all the educational opportunities in the world but if they don't feel happy and confident it's all worth so much shit. To be successful in life - truly successful - you need to feel motivated, connected, energised and interested. Without that all the education in the world will come to nothing.

Ds is nice and I'm very proud of it. His school actively tries to churn out nice, kind children.

I have been thinking this exact same thing! I always think that as long as my DCs are kind and happy, I'm happy. Of course, if they are clever, sporty, or whatever else that is great too, but niceness is IMO the most important.

cailin some people, many people in fact, just are motivated, connected, energised and interested. My Mum always says I came out that way! I jump out of ved every day fizzing with ideas and plans.

My DH is the same.
My DC are the same. And I know lots and lots of DC like this (through school and also the sports my DC play). Don't make the mistake of thinking all high achieveing kids are being forced into by their parents.

My DC 2 is very kind and nice. The teacher says he always includes children that feel sad or left out, he will comfort anyone who si crying, and will share out his snacks with others every day. He is upset if others are upset and always tries to make things o.k. for everyone. He trusts everyone and does not believe in people being "bad", he cried when Darth Vader died as he says deep down Darth Vader is a goodie.

The weird (and sad) thing is that I worry about him sometimes, and fear he will get hurt a fair bit in later life. I do think people can be "too nice", how sad is that?

My DH is like this too, and he has often lent money to friends, invested in projects and never got the money back. He trusts everyone. If we need to deal with tradesmen or mechanics etc it is always me who has to make sure we are not taken for a ride. He also used to give way too much cash to beggars when we lived in the 3rd world, and he ended up with a posse following him and shouting at him to give them more as he was clearly a "crazy rich guy", which was frightening...

Then again, I think the most important quality in a person is just being kind, and I do think people like DH (and DS) end up with lots of friends but maybe not so much money

I don't think that at all wordfactory, really. I know plenty of lovely children who are motivated and happy. It's a fantastic combination and they are lucky people. I'm talking about the children who might have average ability but whose parents can't accept that and so who churn their children through acres of extra tutoring, pile the pressure on and expect that to turn their average child into a genius. Of course extra tutoring does help, but just as you say some people are born motivated some people are born with academic ability and some are not. Parents should give their children opportunities of course, but they should also accept them for who they are not and not try to mould them into different people.

Your family sounds fab :)

I feel like that too Chandon. My DS1 is only two(!) so early days yet, of course, but he is so gentle and, well, nice, that when other toddlers are a bit aggressive or snatchy he just looks startled and a bit sad. I'm torn between wanting him to be tough enough to deal with these things and loving the fact he is sweet and aggression never occurs to him.
DD is only ten weeks, so time will tell!
But if my DS turns out like yours, I will be very pleased indeed :)

Chandon your ds is perfectly correct about darth vadar.

My DD1 is an extremely kind, polite and compassionate girl. She is also very sociable/gregarious and reasonably bright/artistic/sporty (bit of an all rounder). I think sometimes that her kindness does not always get noticed, becuase it is not normally associated with some other aspects of her personality, and there are I guess more obvious things for people/teachers to comment on. I am always delighted when people do pick up on it, and it is the thing I am most proud of about her.

DD2 on the other hand is much quiter and less of an all rounder (although probably brighter than DD1 for what is is worth). She is a very gentle girl and quite innocent/naive relative to her peers. Her sweetness/kindness is something that always gets commented on, and although she is pretty kind, in fact she is naturally less kind/compassionate than DD1. Again, I suspect that her kindness gets picked up on more quickly than in the case of DD1 because it is a trait more associated with the rest of her personality.

Not sure what my point is really, just that is is possible to be both talented and nice, but that there is something in the point that people may notice the talent before they notice the niceness (possibly suggesting that the talent is more valued by some people, or at least that some people assume that niceness and talent are mutually exclusive).

professor i have nice children , maybe being nice isnt exciting enough for some parents they have to excel at something I like having nice children , nothing wrong with it IMO , they are clever funny beautiful , but Nice is nice

From day one at parents' evenings at school, dh was always insistent on asking about ds1's academic targets, was he meeting them etc etc. My thoughts were always 'has he got plenty of friends? Does he interact? Does he listen? Is he respectful?' All important aspects of getting on at school/in the playground.

A nice child = a contented child. If a child is happy and settled with his surroundings and his peers, he is in a better frame of mind to do well/to the best of his abilities. Incidentally phrases such as 'the nicest person in business', 'the nicest person in sport', 'the nicest person in cooking' (OK I made that last one up) prove you can be well thought of/kind and successful in your chosen field.

I have to agree with you mummy nice kids are happy contended kids usually keep their head down and get on with things , My dd is older and being nice hasnt hindered her from going on to do her chosen course , although she is a bit shy but working on it , dd2 is nice but chatty had a parents evening recently and had lots of shes a nice/lovely/kind girl which makes me

I have one nice one. Out of 3. That's not too bad. Especially since I'm not nice. I'm a git.

As are my sons. Reap what you sow etc.

It's funny you say this because our first parents evening I wasn't interested in how clever they are or how well they are reading, my questions were are they polite, do they listen and do as they are told and are they kind to other children, share well and include everyone. Thankfully the answers were yes to all 3 questions or I would have been taking a long hard look at my parenting!

YANBU. I was also thinking about this the other day. DH is nice AND all the other stuff (bright, motivated, driven etc). I am not nice, just the other stuff. Good thing DD has his example to follow!

My regular phrase with DD(5) is that I'm trying to bring her up to be a nice, kind girl!