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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to distance myself from DB & SIL since they told me DP & i 'would not be having children'?

40 replies

WasabiTillyMinto · 14/05/2012 22:00

i am 38, obviously my fertility is decreasing. however we have only been trying 3 months so i have no reason to think DP & I have a problem. i have not discussed TTC with DB & SIL other than to say something along the lines of 'we would like children, but i am obviously not a spring chicken', nothing more than that, at all.

they werent warning me about my age which would have been more reasonable, they were telling me it as though they were telling me a fact. neither of them are doctors.

i sucked it up because worse things happen in this world & its best for my family to keep the peace, but i have been very wary of them since and avoid them when possible & put my happy hat on when its not possible.

AIBU or are they?

OP posts:
Primafacie · 14/05/2012 22:02

YANBU. How rude and thoughtless of them.

Oakmaiden · 14/05/2012 22:04

Odd thing for them to have said, and I can see upsetting for you.

However, I wouldn't think it was something to fall out permanently over.

They don't know you are TTC - it could just be that they have assumed that you are just not going to "get around to it" for reasons of your own. I doubt they meant to upset you (even though they should have minded their own business).

QueenSconetta · 14/05/2012 22:04

They ABU. I think it is very rude and insensitive to comment on something like this.

hideschocolateinthesofa · 14/05/2012 22:06

Very rude, don't bother with them. In ttc terms, 3 months is not long at all, keeping going and enjoying all the sex!

FWIW my aunt and uncle conceived when she was 38, another at 40 both healthy kids, no problems at all

Or do what I did and get into bed with DH after a girls night out Grin

pointythings · 14/05/2012 22:09

I know loads of people who conceived around your age or after, your DB and SIL are insane.

Original poster
WasabiTillyMinto · 14/05/2012 22:14

i think they want to be the only ones to have DCs. they see some very weird competition they 'are winning'.

SIL is v attention seeking so wouldnt like me to have DCs. DB has proven to be completely spineless in the past.

at her hen do, her friends warned me should would she would 'try to take over everything'...

i think DP & i need to move house, change our phone numbers.... Grin

(it looks really odd written down)

OP posts:
DumSpiroSpero · 14/05/2012 22:19

They are being unreasonable (and very rude and more than slightly bonkers).

FWIW I know someone who has just had a healthy baby at the age of 49, so I think they are rather jumping the gun slightly!

EllenParsons · 14/05/2012 22:26

YANBU

What an insensitive, rude and stupid comment. They are completely out of order!

Winniepooh23 · 14/05/2012 22:48

YANBU. I'm 39, the baby we couldn't be having is currently kicking the crap out of me and is due in 7 weeks. Keep having fun trying xxx

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2012 23:06

What a shame. What a daft thing to say.
Don't they want their DCs to grow up with cousins?

elliejjtiny · 14/05/2012 23:11

My granny got pregnant at 42 when she was on the pill. Although the pill was less reliable in those days Grin. Loads of people get pregnant older than 38.

Oh and YANBU.

Original poster
WasabiTillyMinto · 14/05/2012 23:22

Nanny - SIL has siblings with DCs. there appears to be an expectation that DP & i should 'attend them'. i know thats an odd thing to say. it appears we are supposed to go & visit & admire them & DCs & SILs cooking but its not that they actually want to see us. e.g. SIL goes to bed unless there are other guests, they never accept our hospitality or inviations.

DP/me & DB were friends for years. i am have known DBs friends for years. i can see with the dynamics of how we got here.

OP posts:
Original poster
WasabiTillyMinto · 14/05/2012 23:30

i can see with the dynamics of how we got here.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2012 03:14

DD is 17 months and I am 40 in about ten minutes, sobs 6 months so it is possible Grin. Just ignore.

WMDinthekitchen · 15/05/2012 03:39

Wasabi, your DB and SIL seem highly insensitive. If you and your DP/H are both fit and healthy then it is unlikely that there will be any problem at all in your conceiving. My youngest was born when I was 42.

tryingtoleave · 15/05/2012 04:36

Why wouldn't she take over her hens night?

complexnumber · 15/05/2012 04:43

Do they know something you don't know? I know someone who told her second husband her hysterectomy scar was from having her appendix out. He thought they would be trying for children. Obviously not everyone lives their life like an episode of Jeremy Kyle, though.

Alligatorpie · 15/05/2012 05:08

I am 40 and got pregnant the first month we tried. Your sil / bil are talking crap.

GingerBlondecat · 15/05/2012 05:39

Dsis had one at 43.

Enjoy and practice practice practice Grin

I think you are giving crazy too much head space. Ignore them.

Lambzig · 15/05/2012 09:16

Ignore them! My DD is two and of my NCT class of 8 women two years ago, five were 38 or over (including me) at the time. All of us have either had a second baby or are pregnant with the second now.

If you have any concerns, go see your GP, but please dont let them worry you.

My sister who has 2 DS was a bit funny when I got pregnant the first time as she wanted to be the only one to provide grandchildren (but she got used to it).

CupOfBrownJoy · 15/05/2012 09:22

Its so odd that some people seem to be competition over things like having kids!

I had one friend who was permanently smug because she had "managed" to get married and have kids before 30, like that's anything to be smug about? Hmm

She even set her wedding date for 3 days before her birthday, so she could say she got married at 27 and not 28.

I'm 34, getting married this summer and am pg with DC1.

Needless to say, this friend is now an EX friend!

Original poster
WasabiTillyMinto · 15/05/2012 09:38

tryingtoleaveTue 15-May-12 04:36:44
Why wouldn't she take over her hens night?

That of course would be fine! her friends told me she would try and take everything over (e.g. any family event) and they appear to be fairly accurate.

OP posts:
Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 15/05/2012 09:39

How long have you been with your DH? I have to say if I had a 38 year old friend who'd been with her DH/P more than 2 or 3 years and didn't have children I'd probably assume that she wasn't intending to have any. Why would you wait until 38 unless you had only just met your partner or had been trying for a long time. I wouldn't say what your SIL said but I'd probably think it.

She may also have taken your spring chicken comment as we've been trying a while, it isn't working, so don't expect anything.

Original poster
WasabiTillyMinto · 15/05/2012 09:55

Ghoul - that all sounds reasonable but SIL & I had had a conversation about TTC.

  1. i had said i did want children
  2. she said did 'we want to TTC together?'. i didnt really know what she meant but said as i was older it would probably take longer and i didnt think that would be good for me. my Ddad had recently died and he had become paralysed just after DP got over his mum dying.
OP posts:
Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 15/05/2012 10:08

Wasabi - Fair enough. If she knew you guys were in the early days of TTC then that's cruel. Not just she's made an incorrect assumption based on your circumstances (say if you'd been married years, had very committed careers, travelled a lot etc)