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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ban the next door neighbour from coming in the flat?

33 replies

marykat2004 · 14/05/2012 21:50

We live on a council estate. The guy next door was in a hostel and prison before moving in. At first he kept to himself and was polite enough. But slowly - and mainly while I was out of town with DD and my family last summer - DH got friendly with this neighbour.

DH has heart failure due to excessive drinking. He stopped drinking 3 years ago. But now he has started again - drinking Skol 9% lager with this guy next door. At first I think it was only when I was out of town at the odd weekends here and there (with DD; I never go out of town alone), but last Saturday he had been drinking in our bedroom with the neighbour and while DD was in the flat. I was just out, not out of town, but still, my kid is 7. Shouldn't a mum be able to leave her kid with the kid's dad once in awhile?

Sunday, the bedroom stank of booze. So, I started cleaning and decided to do some damp proof painting. I moved the laundry basket and found the carpet was soaked with beer. DH had neither cleaned it up nor told me about it. Even WATER in a carpet will stink if it's not dried out.

Other neighbours have complained to me about this guy and I have always felt uneasy around him. But I didn't want to be prejudice because he smelled bad and had been homeless.

But now after this drinking - and spilling - incident I have really had enough and told DH he can't be friends with this guy. And that DH has to choose between me and drink. He's been in bed sulking all day (and probably detoxing).

Am I being unreasonable to not want DH to continue a friendship with this guy? It appears to me he is only coaxing DH back into addiction. And that perhaps there is worse around the corner.

OP posts:
Notalone · 14/05/2012 21:53

No definitely not. This is compromising his health, his relationship with you and the children and his childrens safely for some guy whom he hardly knows. The spillage, though annoying, is a red herring. Its the effect on you and your chidrens lives plus the fact that he could actually be killing himself that is the issue. Hope you get some sense into him.

VelmaDaphne · 14/05/2012 21:56

YANBU, but to be honest I think your neighbour, whilst maybe being the catalyst here, is not the main problem. Your husband is an alcoholic who has started drinking again after a period of abstinence, and my main concern would be what happens next. Is he going to seek help or carry on drinking? If he won't seek help I certainly wouldn't leave your daughter alone with him. If his drinking was sufficiently out of control to cause heart failure, then he's not safe to care for a child. I don't think banning the neighbour is your answer really, I think it goes deeper than that.

ThatVikRinA22 · 14/05/2012 21:56

yabu if you think you can stop an alcoholic from drinking by limiting his circle of friends.
he has to want to stop.
and if heart failure hasnt been reason enough christ knows what will. not you or his DD obviously.

solidgoldbrass · 14/05/2012 21:58

Thing is, you can't actually ban the neighbour from the house if your H invites him in. You cannot control your H's behaviour. If he is an alcoholic who has begun to drink again you need either to leave him or throw him out. The only person who can control his drinking is him.

Original poster
marykat2004 · 14/05/2012 22:02

I can control the neighbour coming in if DH is never alone here. So more than just taking DD to friends if I want to go somewhere, I can't even leave DH on his own. And of course now that this has come to light, DH is exempt from all childcare duties.

It's even sadder because at age 7 DD can see what's going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
marykat2004 · 14/05/2012 22:03

I spoke with a friend who is a substance abuse worker and he said pretty much the same thing as VicarInATutu (great name, are you a vicar in a tutu?). I can't put all the blame on the guy next door.

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 14/05/2012 22:10

YANBU to discourage this friendship but if your DH is an alcoholic nothing will stop him from drinking apart from himself.

solidgoldbrass · 15/05/2012 00:38

Look, you need to get rid of your H. You can't live like this and your DD shouldn't have to. Is the flat in your name, his name or both names?

IvanaHumpalot · 15/05/2012 10:01

Does the guy next door know of your DHs health problems? If you can have a serious talk with the guy and explain perhaps they could still be friends without the drink.

Original poster
marykat2004 · 15/05/2012 15:50

You can't be friends with junkies. Even if he is not using crack and herion right now, the guy next door is a junkie. They often move on to strong lager when they give up smack.

As for the ownership of the flat it's both names. And H's brother owns 1/3 of it. So I would get only 1/3 and being unemployed at the moment would not be able to buy again.

OP posts:
Original poster
marykat2004 · 15/05/2012 15:52

But if I have to leave I have to leave. I am finding my anger really difficult right now. H is again excused from any childcare. He gets the day to himself, sleeps from 4-8 pm, then stays up half the night listening to music. He's not much of a father anyway so why I am sticking around. Is DD really benefitting form this situation?

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 15/05/2012 15:56

You need to deal with your relationship. The neighbour is not the problem, your H and his lying and risking his health and the safety of dd are the problem.

ABatInBunkFive · 15/05/2012 15:56

Not in any way. Why would you want her growing up thinking this isthe best she can hope for, your H needs to sort himself out you can't do that for him. Sad

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 15/05/2012 16:02

YANBU to not want this man in your house anymore, that is your right. However, it seems to be your DH that is the problem- or at least, he has a problem, a dependency on alcohol.

Don't know what to suggest other than the obvious- leave him, take your DD and get on with your life. But ofcourse it never is that simple.

I do feel for you OP. Had similar issues with my DP for years but his drug of choice was Skunk and Cocaine rather than alcohol. He only gave up both when he wanted to. It doesn't sound like your other half is going to change anytime soon and become the father you want for your DD. And no I doubt your child is benefitting from him being around if he does fuck all for her.

Original poster
marykat2004 · 15/05/2012 16:02

Yeah, well, he is agreeing to go back to alcohol counseling, but meanwhile that means he is exempt from any family duties for ... how long? 3 months? 6 months? How long does he need to be sober before he can spend time with his kid again? I feel like giving up. I just want a normal relationship that obviously will never happen.

OP posts:
dondon33 · 15/05/2012 16:12

YANBU, definitely not.
If your really unhappy then leave him/kick him out. Do you have family to help you until you can get sorted?
If you want to make it work and your DH is serious about quitting and staying off alcohol then make it a condition he uses Disulfiram (obviously so long as he can take it with his health probs) He won't be able to have even a sip of alcohol without having a huge reaction to it. Temptation is huge for alcoholics when they are around alcohol, this drug makes temptation pointless.

As for the neighbour, tell him to keep away from your door. I'd be honest with him about what you have been through with your DH and that you're not prepared to go through it again. What the fucking hell does Dh want this guy around your child for? Do you even know what he's been in prison for?

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 15/05/2012 16:16

YANBU of course. Very hard. But I have to say that you shouldn't leave DD with her Dad....you cant trust him at the moment and you DO NOT want her near the neighbour.

dondon33 · 15/05/2012 16:23

A lot of alcohol counselling is bollox! sorry, but all it does is give the addict excuses for why they drank, while they try to get the person to do self awareness courses or get them back into work. Doesn't take a genius really to know they drank because they god damn wanted to then when the addiction took hold in physical form-they god damn HAD to. It doesn't deal with the roots of the drinking IMO. However, a different kind could like cognitive behavioural therapy.
I feel for you Mary it's not an easy place to be in xx

Original poster
marykat2004 · 15/05/2012 16:24

That was the first time that the neighbour came round when DD was here and I wasn't. Usually he only comes round when DD and I are both out.

Allegedly neighbour was in prison for 'bank robbery' but that's what he told my friend when he was trying to chat her up. it might be something less glamourous.

It's a big problem that these council estates have these single-room flats next to family flats. The one-room flats are only ever occupied by ex-prisoners. A previous neighbour had been deported after serving a prison sentence in Australia. He had a gun and got arrested again while living next door. He got out of prison when DD was born, and we got him moved out, thank God. It was very scary for awhile.

OP posts:
raspberryroop · 15/05/2012 16:54

Just trying to mull over Bank robbing as glamourous.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 15/05/2012 16:57

To some people it would be sadly rasberry.

LucyGoose · 15/05/2012 17:09

This sounds awful, and a frightening situation for you and your DD. I would not feel comfortable leaving my child in a home with this man and your H. And you know nothing of this man's crimes. Can your H go live somewhere else?

He's definately not trying to help himself, and you are doing all the work.
If he's not bringing anything to your life and just makes it harder, then it seems he needs to be out of your life. Sorry....

parakeet · 15/05/2012 17:13

Would it be worth trying to talk to your husband's brother? Because his owning the one-third share seems to be the main obstacle to you kicking your husband out of the flat. At the moment, as I see it, you and his brother are together enabling his drinking which is going to end up taking his life.

Sorry if that sounds unsympathetic. But if he carries on drinking your only options seem to be somehow kicking him out, or selling up. You have to leave him somehow.

Hopandaskip · 15/05/2012 17:21

You are not your husband's keeper, it is up to him to sort this out. YOU CANNOT DO IT FOR HIM. Get yourself to al-anon pronto.

crescentmoon · 15/05/2012 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.