to ban the next door neighbour from coming in the flat?

[marykat2004]

We live on a council estate. The guy next door was in a hostel and prison before moving in. At first he kept to himself and was polite enough. But slowly - and mainly while I was out of town with DD and my family last summer - DH got friendly with this neighbour.

DH has heart failure due to excessive drinking. He stopped drinking 3 years ago. But now he has started again - drinking Skol 9% lager with this guy next door. At first I think it was only when I was out of town at the odd weekends here and there (with DD; I never go out of town alone), but last Saturday he had been drinking in our bedroom with the neighbour and while DD was in the flat. I was just out, not out of town, but still, my kid is 7. Shouldn't a mum be able to leave her kid with the kid's dad once in awhile?

Sunday, the bedroom stank of booze. So, I started cleaning and decided to do some damp proof painting. I moved the laundry basket and found the carpet was soaked with beer. DH had neither cleaned it up nor told me about it. Even WATER in a carpet will stink if it's not dried out.

Other neighbours have complained to me about this guy and I have always felt uneasy around him. But I didn't want to be prejudice because he smelled bad and had been homeless.

But now after this drinking - and spilling - incident I have really had enough and told DH he can't be friends with this guy. And that DH has to choose between me and drink. He's been in bed sulking all day (and probably detoxing).

Am I being unreasonable to not want DH to continue a friendship with this guy? It appears to me he is only coaxing DH back into addiction. And that perhaps there is worse around the corner.

Crescent moon, it doesn't matter. The H is not a baby, he is responsible for his own choices. OP, don't let anyone tell you you are being selfish or unfair when you take steps to get rid of your H - it is not your life's work to look after an alcoholic. Basically, an active alcoholic ie one who is drinking (as opposed to one who has stopped drinking) is a parasite, nothing more. He's not capable of contributing anything to family life, so just get rid ASAP. The council will be able to advise you as will Women's Aid and probably AL-Anon.

Parasite is a bit harsh, if he genuinely wants to stop, granted he shouldn't have started again but he's human and humans fuck up.
Like I said before Mary, if you want to make it work, insist he takes disulfiram obviously the counselling he has had is not enough. A year or two on this medication will force and teach him to think of other ways to deal with stress/boredom or whatever it is that makes him reach for alcohol.

His excuse for starting drinking was the death of his father in September. It was an awful time for everyone as it happened on DH's 50th birthday. It was beautiful sunny weather and now this makes me sound awful, but I had to get away for a day after the funeral. But that is when he started. I was suspicious because he sounded drunk on the phone. He denied it. Then in March I was in Manchester chasing some potential work (DD was with ME both of these times, I don't leave her at home when I'm out of town) and he sounded drunk again.

This incident last weekend was the first time H drank 1. while I was not out of town 2. with DD in the flat while I was out.

(I mean the first time in 3 years. I am ashamed to say he drank when she was younger but after she went to sleep. And we didn't have that neighbour back then. This time I had full report from her about them drinking, including that they were drinking the same kind of cans, which is how I know it was that awful Super Lager than street drinkers drink..)

No way am I leaving her with H again alone. Until he has been sober for.. for.. how long? And also until it is clear that the neighbour is not welcome here.

I am also going to investigate with the housing management what he was really in jail for. I think i can find that out.

data protection will prevent you from finding out anything like this about your neighbour - but it will not be for robbing a bank.

I would, in your position, start to really look and evaluate my options. You cannot make your DH stop drinking and you cannot choose his friends.

You can make a better life for you and your DD.

lol, data protection hasn't got a patch on little old ladies on council estates. Though whether I can trust gossip, I'm less sure of that. But there are a lot of criminal types around here; it wouldn't be hard to find out something somehow. I've never tried. The police were asking about him when we had some trouble with hoodoies but at the time we didn't know anything about the guy next door, he kept his head down. But another neighbour who's an insomniac says she sees him lurking around at night with known crackheads and junkies. The noisy gangs seem to have disappeared for and I'm never up at 2 am to look outside.

What we need to do is MOVE really.

why, alcoholics will find a reason eventually, no matter where they are.

marykat I rarely come on here with a "she should leave him" feeling, but on this occasion I really do think you should.

You can't stop him from drinking. He made a choice to stop once before and now he has made a choice to start again. His heart failure wasn't enough for him to say no, you weren't enough and his daughter weren't enough. You're looking for work and he's drinking, you cannot go out and leave him in charge of his 7 year old daughter because he isn't capable of it.

You will feel less resentful of him not looking after his daughter if he is not there. You're living as a single parent anyway. He might have the freedom to live his life as he chooses, but seriously, look at the way he is choosing to live it! You can be whoever you want to be, your daughter can be whoever she wants to be without this man holding you back.

I would also start to re-evaluate my options. I think you do need to move - but you and your daughter, without him.

Do you have any family/friend support nearby?

unfortunately moving wont solve your problem, because your problem is your husband and his alcoholism.