To think I am making ds wierd?

[lecce]

I had a thread yesterday about the social difficulties ds1 (5) is having. The main factor is that he has such different interests from his peers and struggles to get children to join in his games. He likes Romans, Vikings, Ancient Egypt, Neanderthals and dinosaurs. He does watch cbeebies/CBBC and has a few Disney dvds he enjoys but when it comes to playing, he always wants to act out one of the interests above. There seem to be very few children his age who share these interests. There are only 5 boys in his class and none of them, or indeed any of the girls, do.

It was mentioned on the other thread, and had occured to me, that he may have ASD but having looked on related websites today I'm not sure that's it. Someone else on the thread said he sounds lonely and a RL friend happened to say, "what he needs is a best friend," and I just feel so sad he hasn't got that and worried that it's my fault.

I haven't 'made' him have these interests and haven't introduced them to him in an educational way - I don't know where it's all started really. However, we were pleased that he showed an interest in these intersting topics and have bought a few books but the enthusiasm has come from him. Yet I keep thinking maybe we should try and foster interests the boys in his school have and, I don't know, get him a Ben 10 dvd or something? Does that sound stupid? He goes swimming and to a drama class and enjoys them but there isn't really much chance to form freindships as they are only there 40 mins doing a guided activity.

Today he has come home again saying he had no one to talk to and also mentioned that children were laughing because he'd had beetroot in his lunch box and it made his lips pink - that's my fault . My parents often made me stand out from my peers and it did make my life harder than necessary at school and now it seems I'm inadvertantly doing the same to ds.

Sorry this is so trivial but I feel really down about it all at the moment and dh is getting sick of me going on about it and insists it's all fine but I don't think it is .

I wouldn't be trying to change him to fit in, I'd be trying to boost his confidence in being himself.

He sounds like a perfectly normal 5yr old boy to me

And I say that as the Mother of 3 boys

I think you and your DS sound great, but I totally understand your worries.

As an adult I love people who have unique interests and eccentricities (although your DS's interests sound perfectly reasonable for a 5 year old boy to me), it is hard if you are slightly out of step with your peers.

The DVD ideas sound good and maybe just asking a few of the parents of the other boys what is the flavour of the month at the moment for their kids, and then invite 1 or 2 around with that theme in mind for play activities.

Good luck - you never know he may get the other kids into his interests,

Aw I can just imagine his little face with his beetroot you aren't silly to be worrying but you can't change who he is. Is there a hobby he could do that consumes more time and builds relationships? We went horse riding and pretty much lived there so made loads of friends.

I think the problem is there are so few other boys in his class and they're not into what he is - he sounds totally normal to me and I have 3 boys. They would play with him in a heartbeat, they are into all the same things he is and they are not odd.

I think showing him Ben 10 or whatever the other kids are into wouldn't be a bad thing. If he knows and understands what the others are doing/playing he has the option of joining in, if he'd still rather play his games then good for him. They may be able to combine his interests with theirs; Ben 10 vs The Romans or something?! Don't put pressure on him to conform though, let him be who he is.

Have you thought about him joining cubs ,or is it beavers (sorry I have a girl). That might be a good way to meet other boys his age and widen his interests or find other boys with his interests (which don't sound wierd to me btw). I wonder what the other kids play at because that sort of play sounds pretty normal (maybe they are all odd (joke)). He will come into his own, don't worry.

It's not down to you at all. You could modify lunchbox contents to something more conventional, but tbh, I see what goes into lunch boxes of reception/year 1 children, and they all seem to have vastly different things which doesn't bother them at all. So I don't think beet root is the problem.

I know it's heartbreaking seeing your child have no friends, MUDs does have aspergers and he has only just started to find people who share simelar interests to him now he's started secondary school. But I was once told that the most important thing I could do for him was to help him have the confidence to be who he is. I believe that to be true looking back.

Your ds doesn't need to conform to be a brilliant and worthy person. Be proud of who he is, because that's the only way he will ever be proud of himself.

My DD is a bit like this. She is not in the slightest bit interested in fashion or pop music, but I fear for any child who tried to take her on in a history quiz! She just loves history and does not care if it is not 'cool'. She has a best friend who has totally different interests, but they seem to manage to get round that and still be friends. It has taken a while to get to this stage though, she is 9 and is more confident about being herself, even if it is 'different'. My advice would be to carry on supporting him to give him the confidence to have his own interests, and I am sure he will make more friends in time. Most children seem to go through phases with changing friendships at that age. (My DD would happily play Romans, do you want to send him round?)

Your DS sounds awesome. I think it's a bit sad if the other children don't find dinosaurs interesting! Dinosaurs, FGS! Roar!

My DS is both weird (my friend told me a nice way of remembering how to spell WEIRD, by the way: When Everything Is Really Different) and into Ben 10. So his Ben 10 aliens fight chickens or giant tadpoles or - most recently - bagels.

Bless him, he sounds adorable,
My dd is 4 and into maps and pirates, dinosaurs etc...
Do u know any little girls he could pal up, my dd has some great little boy mates.??

As far as I can see, most boys that age are 'obsessed' by something or another. They are 'lucky' if it's something the other children are interested in (Ben10, Spiderman etc) and a bit 'unlucky' if it's something the others aren't so much (Romans, Dinosaurs, History). Unless football is their thing, they tend to be a bit 'alone' in their interests and if it's something that they are knowledgeable about, that the others aren't, then they isolate themselves a bit. But it does all even out as they get a bit older and all of their interests broaden a bit.

Try to not worry - he sounds perfectly normal to me :)

I think the problem is there are so few other boys in his class and they're not into what he is

I think that hits the nail on the head

Lots of boys are into what your son is, but having only 5 boys in his class...it probably feels like he's somehow 'different', when in fact he really isn't.

He's just different to them

Gah. Just typed a long reply and MN went down and I lost it! Gist of it was basically what others have said. He does sound a LOT like my ds. I did vaguely introduce him to stuff his peers were into (Lego Star Wars in the main), but actually, as he's grown up a bit (he's 7 now), he's so confident in who he is that he manages to have other kids eating out of his hand as he holds forth at length about supernovas, or Field Marshal Montgomery, or Vikings, or chess, or whatever.
I shouldn't worry. Your ds sounds like a lovely, interesting little chap, and it sounds as though you're doing a good job allowing him to be himself.
By the way, my ds (and dd for that matter) would love to play Romans or Vikings or dinosaurs with him. He sounds right up their street!
Maybe (I know it won't be the same as a real-life 'there' friend) he could find a pen-pal he can share his interests with...

I think that the lack of boys is the problem.

My ds2 is 5 (year 1) and mainly plays dinosaurs, spies and fighting games like armies. Sometimes the fighting games are specific - Call of Duty, zombies, Star Wars, Avengers but basically involves running around shooting imaginary guns.
My ds2 is aware of Romans and Ancient Egypt through programmes like Dr Who and Scooby Doo so would be up for re-enacting Darth Vader versus a Roman Gladiator or something like that but wouldn't be able to act out something more historically accurate with real people like Caesar.

Does he watch any commercial TV or books? I think that not knowing typical children's characters like Spiderman would mark him out as different and it takes someone super confident to carry it off.

My 5 year old ds is into space and maps and flags, as well as Ben 10 and Tree Fu Tom.
It's normal to have obsessions at that age, and it's just that, as others have said, your ds is in a tiny class.
My ds has 3 other friends at school, all equally obsessive and geeky, but he is lucky to be in a big class, so he has found others like him.

Nothing wrong with a bit of popular culture to your boy integrate, but he sounds normal to me, and if he came round ours I reckon ds would be happy to play Tree Fu Tom versus the Romans in Space with him!
You havne't made him anything. He just is who he is.

to help him integrate, I meant.

I am feeling the same at the moment about my ds. He is 5 and very different to other boys. He is very intelligent, reading age of 9+ and reads ALL the time. Knows about everything etc but has no social skills. Is ok in 1-1 situations but at school finds it hard to join in and would rather read in the corner. DOsent help that he is onto fully toilet trained and has only just stopPed wearing Pull ups which has resulted in teasing and a knock to his confidence. I have some days when I think he's fine and let him be but then other days when I see everyone else going on play dates and being best friends I feel sad that he doesn't have that (never been invited to tea)

ds i 4.7 and i worry that he does not have a best friend

i sometimes think he is a little obsessive, he can talk for hours (really is hours) about big ben, the london eye and other london landmarks and they are incorporated into every game. at first i was thrilled by his passion for london and bought him books and little wooden playset now i wish at times i hadn't especially when he keeps going on about wanting a lego big wheel and big ben

He sounds fantastic . It's no comfort now, but he sounds the sort of kid who will "grow into himself" iykwim, when he gets a bit older.

Some children just like to go their own way.

My DD did. She liked to play make-believe and had a really wild imagination. She had an imaginary friend called Sophie for a year or two but found it difficult to maintain normal friendships.

When she got older she was always acting out little scenes from her make believe world. She is obsessed with Dr Who.

At one point I did gently point out to her that people would think she was odd if she went around seemingly talking to herself when she was going about her business 'acting out' her scenes. (Something I did as a child, but usually kept to nightimes as a way of switching off before falling asleep - like counting sheep I suppose)

She is 11 now and has channelled her make believe world into her hobbies and now writes stories, songs and playscripts with her ideas. She has a whole host of her friends clamouring to have a part in her screenplay which is an ongoing project for them to film with our camcorder in the Summer hols.

he has such different interests from his peers and struggles to get children to join in his games. He likes Romans, Vikings, Ancient Egypt, Neanderthals and dinosaurs.

My DS was exactly the same at age 5 - I could have written your post. He did seem isolated at times because of his interests, but there was usually another boy somewhere who was happy to play along for a while, even if he didn't have a "best friend".

He is now 17, still really interested in all of that but is also into football, music booze and partying.

Your DS is completely normal, so try not to worry.

Hi there thought i would put my oar in my quirky ds is now 8 and we have been going through this since he started school he does have other issues but thats irrelenvent here. I have to second what other people have said about not trying to change him but at the same time he needs to be able to fit in with his peer group. We spoke to his school who were fantastic about it and set up a buddy system within the class so noone was left alone they also set up some loosley organised games just things like tig etc at break and spoke to the class about how important it was to play together nothing specific to my ds but just general stuff. We for our part found out what was being collected at the time cards/mini toys etc and got him a few packs which won him an in with the other boys in his class as then he had something to talk about swap and play with. Ofc if your ds isnt interested in the collecting thing then thats no help but try the school they will help if a child is miserable at break times as it does effect their education

I think some children do find life a bit easier when they get older. DS is 15 now and didn't always hit it off with the other boys at primary school. He is happy and popular now and his creativity is seen as an asset rather than something weird. He is obsessed with film making and he has half of year 10 lined up to act in his latest project (I'll see you at the oscars 2kidsintow )

Thank you. It's nice to know there are children out there who would like to play with him, even though it can never be .

Yes, I think we have been spectacularly unlucky with gender balance in his class. There is a girl in there he knows from before starting school and we still do playdates after school but they tend to clash quite a bit - they are both very stubborn . Someone told me that they are the most gendered they will ever be at this age so maybe that is why he hasn't had much luck with any of the girls.

I do think he's great and his imagination seems fantastic to me - just seems he wants someone to share it with him. Despite being able to play independently for ages he's starting to ask me to play with him more again and I think it's because he doesn't get to play the games he wants at school.

I hope he does 'grow into himself' as someone put it - some of you have described some fab sounding older children .