To think I am making ds wierd?

[lecce]

I had a thread yesterday about the social difficulties ds1 (5) is having. The main factor is that he has such different interests from his peers and struggles to get children to join in his games. He likes Romans, Vikings, Ancient Egypt, Neanderthals and dinosaurs. He does watch cbeebies/CBBC and has a few Disney dvds he enjoys but when it comes to playing, he always wants to act out one of the interests above. There seem to be very few children his age who share these interests. There are only 5 boys in his class and none of them, or indeed any of the girls, do.

It was mentioned on the other thread, and had occured to me, that he may have ASD but having looked on related websites today I'm not sure that's it. Someone else on the thread said he sounds lonely and a RL friend happened to say, "what he needs is a best friend," and I just feel so sad he hasn't got that and worried that it's my fault.

I haven't 'made' him have these interests and haven't introduced them to him in an educational way - I don't know where it's all started really. However, we were pleased that he showed an interest in these intersting topics and have bought a few books but the enthusiasm has come from him. Yet I keep thinking maybe we should try and foster interests the boys in his school have and, I don't know, get him a Ben 10 dvd or something? Does that sound stupid? He goes swimming and to a drama class and enjoys them but there isn't really much chance to form freindships as they are only there 40 mins doing a guided activity.

Today he has come home again saying he had no one to talk to and also mentioned that children were laughing because he'd had beetroot in his lunch box and it made his lips pink - that's my fault . My parents often made me stand out from my peers and it did make my life harder than necessary at school and now it seems I'm inadvertantly doing the same to ds.

Sorry this is so trivial but I feel really down about it all at the moment and dh is getting sick of me going on about it and insists it's all fine but I don't think it is .

He sounds like quite a mature 5 year old in a good way e.g. Having the ability to get really into these role playing games. It's the kind of thing my DS does a lot with his school friends but they are in Y2.

I think you should try to stop apologising for how he is, he might be picking up on your anxieties. I wonder if there are any activities he could do to help him build his self-esteem so he's not so bothered by being different. Beavers has been great for this. Try and make his independent thought seem like a good thing to him. It's always the geeky boys at school who make a success of their lives and the cool ones who end up working in Blockbusters anyway

My DS was teased at school a couple of years ago for taking whole boiled eggs in a special container for his lunch; he'd requested them. He's fairly resilient and independent so these things don't bother him too much. I worried about friendships (he was always popular out of school and popular with the girls) but in the last couple of terms at school he has developed some nice boy friendships.

I think self-esteem is the key.

Also I think in Y3 they study Romans, Vikings, Ancient Egypt, by then your DS will be the class expert!

I have a 5yo DS1 and agree with what people are saying above - sounds like your DS has interests that could be very normal for a 5yo boy - it's just bad luck that none of the others in his class match up at the moment.

My DS1 doesn't seem to be fully 'mainstream' in his interests - but also doesn't yet seem to be that bothered about a 'best friend' - he still seems to play quite interchangeably with others at school. He also generally gets on well with girls - possibly because there's a bit less running-around-in-gangs (?) - he has good friendships with DDs of friends of mine who are younger/older than him, and (to my pleasant surprise) seems to also maintain/pursue these in the school playground. Are there any girl friendships you could encourage?

FWIW, DS1's interests include bikes & scooters (probably widely shared, but not very school-playground), gardening, bugs/creatures, playing trains, building dens, singing/radio 3. They kind of reflect what we do as a family and thus what he's exposed to - but plenty of strands that he's picked up on himself.

Hi favourite iPlayer is stuff like Octonauts, Tree Fu Tom, and starting to enjoy nature documentaries that are not child-specific (Planet Dinosaur, the attenburgh Planet Earth stuff etc).

justaboutisnowakiwi Thanks for such a detailed reply. I suppose the main reason we don't do most of these things is because we don't know anyone to do them with. Dh is sahd but the school and it's community don't seem to be big on playdates. We have 2 familes we know with 5yos and see them as regularly as we can but we are all busy familes so it's probably not as often as would be ideal.

Can I ask why you find the 'best friend' comment so idiotic? It struck a chord with me - is that silly?

Both my boys found it hard to 'mix' when they started school. In fact it took them a good few years to actually find a 'best friend' that they had lots in common with. No matter how hard I tried (oh god, I tried!!) to put them together with other children, force encourage them to try different activitles that they really weren't interested in.....nothing worked. They did it in their own time.

Your DS is only 5, and he will find friends, it may just take a little time. I know how worrying it is (I've been there!), but things will work out

He's normal. Five boys in a class isn't enough for all the weird and wonderful things that boys obsess about to be covered so there's common ground, iykwim. Four boys in our house and they all have different things that they want to explore. At some point, the three oldest have all seemed to have not obsessed about the 'in' thing for that year. It's hard to watch, and it gets harder. As they got older they've been laughed at and called nerds and geeks.

Don't sweat it. Embrace his differences - i'm sure all of the most successful people in life would have seemed unique at the age of 5. Introduce him to astrix books. And await the age of seven when collecting cards/gogos/moshi monsters will bring common ground.

I know exactly how you feel (although DS isn't quite at the age where "fitting in" is important yet) because I never used to fit in at school either and it was often because e.g. we had no money so I couldn't wear branded clothes, my mum wasn't into fashion so I never had anything fashionable either, and we didn't watch much of the popular TV or anything. I remember a school play where my mum had tried her best to get me together a good costume and then it turned out that all of the other girls in the class had conferred on what they were wearing and I was the odd one out and looked rubbish :( (Although I think my mum was more upset than me that time)

I am so worried that the same thing will happen for DS and he will be "the weird kid" like I was because I don't really know what other children are supposed to like. However DP seems much less worried despite having similarly out of touch parents - I think he's naturally a lot more confident than me though, and cares much less what others think of him. I think that in that respect it is easier for boys, especially as they get older and girls develop the whole clique thing.

I think if you've experienced it yourself it's natural to worry but as others say it's more important to do proactive things than worry about it, whether that's building up his confidence by enrolling him in some confidence building activities, introducing him to some role models or examples of his interests being successful and/or popular (does he like Horrible Histories?) and generally in any way worthwhile rather than worrying that they might be "othering" or, well, a bit sad, because he might pick up on that. Just off the top of my head you could look at archaeology, local museums, natural history museum in London, architecture - you could go around town or local towns pointing out buildings and talking about which period they're from - a library book or a quick google search will help with basic identifying features if you're not sure - or make some models, perhaps. Horrible Histories for the "cool" factor, and I'm sure there must be some famous historians or archaeologists he could look up to, in time. And you could try encouraging the popular interests in his class too just to see if it helps at all.

Good luck :)

get him into mensa. they have children's meetings. he'll find people who are like him.

I posted on the other thread, as my Dd was similar at 5. In fact I was talking about it with DH today and he thought your ds sounded great. I agree with the confidence thing, it really is key. I also think this will be a temporary problem, it is so easy with small children to see something as fundamental to their personality when really they are changing and evolving all the time, and so are their peers. So a slightly out-of-kilter child will find that the others catch up, or they catch up, and things right themselves. Work on getting him time with other children who may share his interests, invite home any likely child from his class, and do anything that boosts his confidence. My dd was into archaeology at 5/6, and we took her along to digs etc. Now she is seven she is having slightly different conversations with peers (overheard her chatting about justin Beiber to a girl she'd got talking to in the park on the weekend! ).
You sound very worried and anxious about him, but really all sounds ok, and normal, even if it isn't ideal at the moment. He will make friends, he is very little, and sometimes it takes time and just meeting the right person. Finding someone who he clicks with will make a big difference. Any likely child in his class or locally?

Your son sound lovely. You dont ound as though you're doing anything wrong. It wouldn't pay to all be the same would it?

Well I think your son sounds lovely and very normal! My lad at the same age was dressed up as fireman sam, conducting cardboard circuses. My friend's son spends a lot of time dressed in purple dresses. Your son has often found out about lots of exciting things and is excited about them!

I would talk to his teacher/ TA to find out what's really going on in school. Maybe she can help him pair up with some other slightly geeky kid?
How bothered is your boy about this? Maybe you (sadly) have to chat to him about how to fit in if he chooses to, while making it clear that it's ok to like whatever he likes. My lad ended up very consciously managing his image in school from about the age of 9. He moved into a Junior school and adopted a 'cool kid' persona. None of his school friends knew he was a morris dancer until he was 18!

'Romans, Vikings, Ancient Egypt, Neanderthals and dinosaurs' this sounds pretty standard to me, in that most of the 5 year old boys I knew when DS was that age were into the same thing. Especially the dinosaurs but a sword was also very interesting.

DS1 who is 8 is still quite interested in this stuff but he also plays football and AFL and goes swimming etc. Things that really increase his circle of mates.

It doesn't have to be either or. DS1 is in the chess club at school and on the school football team, he isn't the only one. Encourage his 'geekiness' but don't discourage any of the more 'conventional' boy stuff either.

Beetroot is out of the question here, some complete numpty decided that crisp white shirts were just the thing for small boys to wear to school.

Wanders off muttering about napisan...

My dd would adore your ds op.
No you are not making ds weird, absolutely not.

He sounds lovely and perfectly normal. I reckon as long as you encourage him to develop lots of interests, he'll turn out just fine. Also, is he actually upset about being a little different, or is it just you? When I was younger, I was perfectly happy being alone, and only started to worry about that when I got the impression that there was a problem with it. Maybe he's just a bit introverted - no problem as long as he's happy.

I don't think there is a direct correlation between having different interests and being on the outside. I do think, however, that there is a link between not being able to engage with other people's interests and being lonely.

He's only 5 yet, so it's early days, but if you want to help him, that is where I would put the effort in: not in taking his Neanderthals away from him, but in encouraging him to also be interested in other people. It doesn't have to be an either or.

Dd and I were opposite poles in this respect: we both were passionate about the kind of thing nobody else was passionate about (books, history, art), but whereas I though my interests were better than other people's and would never have contemplated the idea of trying to widen my horizons for somebody else's sake, dd is interested in people and what makes them tick- which means she has always been prepared to take an interest in whatever her friends are interested in. I don't think it's a boy/girl thing; ds is also very much a people person.

Either they've got MILs genes, or I have actually managed to prepare them for life a bit better than my mother did me. As an adult I am a more tolerant, wide-ranging person than my mother ever was: she actively encouraged the idea that being different made our way of life better. It's not the most useful thing she's ever taught me - and as an adult I have realised how many people out there actually manage to combine a far deeper understanding of far more arcance subjects with a bit of everyday modern culture.

Leece I was on your thread yesterday and your son is similar to my DD....her teache r(at her new school...I moved her in Sept because there were hardly any girls in her old scchool) was concerned about her as she tends to stand out due to various things...but listen...some kids just DO!

The HT at my DDs school was quite fast in quashing DDs teachers concerns...she said "There must be children who are not always in a gang of 8 friends...there must be kids who are quieter...these are thinkers and they need not always have SEN...they're just individuals."

My DD IS learning the skills needed to stand out less now...Brownies helped enormously...she's still my lovely, "odd" DD but she knows how to mix in better...she understands the other girls don't want to discuss fossils all day nor do they want to dig for them on the school field.... but she still loves them!

Help your DS by taking him to Beavers....by making surre he has plenty of physical excersise to encourage him out of his mind...my DD isn't "G&T" parrticularly...though she excells at certain things...she lags in others...but she IS "different" and highly creative....and that's to be embraced.

Ask some little boys for tea....that helps a lot too.

He sounds lovely and possible more mature than his peers. When he says he hasn't spoken to another child at school during the day do you think that's really the case? Ask his teacher was she/he thinks. Not all 5 year olds need a "best mate" as your friend suggested.

I disagree that most 5 year old boys are into the same things as the OPs son Morloth....most 7 and 8 year old boys are...but most 5 year olds like Ben Ten, Football and wrestling!

Mys son 6 has the same interests well if you include pirates as well, and he doesn't watch a whole lot of tv, he tends to prefer animal programmes, etc. he doedn't have a best friend but is friends with everyone and they all love playing with him, he does get invited out by girls and boys, I wouldn't worry. My sister at this age was also obsessed with history and dinosaurs and electricity and she now has many more friends than I do and I was more mainstream in interests.

The "odd lunch" thing is interesting...my DD asked for a gherkin sandwich the other day and I said no. I said no because I thought it would attract too much attention and it's not a "good choice" anyway!

I do monitor some of her oddness...if that's wrong then I'm not sure what to do! I can't let her be herself to the point of making her into an object of ridicule.

Someone mentioned Beavers earlier - I'd definitely see if there's one near you.

Really brought my stepson out of his shell and he made a couple of good friends there too.

I forgot to say- don't aim for finding a best friend for your ds. Much healthier to try and find a group of best friends.

One on one friendships at school can go badly wrong- children can outgrow each other, one child could move, best friend can have days off school leavIng other child lOnely... My son had a best friend from reception to y3 and when he outgrew friendship and wanted to deepen friendship with other boys, the best friend lost it and it went badly wrong.

My DS now 11 years old is exactly the same op. He loves the Romans, Vikings and the Knights Templars. He is very interested in animals and wildlife and really enjoys his drama lessons.

He is also disabled and often complain that other boys prefer to play football and run around and he can't join in with them.

My son also speaks more like an adult and is very worldly wise which makes it a lot harder for him to fit in with his peers.

Like you I used to worry a lot and I used to blame his lack of friendships on myself and worry about him being lonely and having a miserable childhood. Until one day I rung my Mum up to talk to her about it and she pointed out to me that actually he IS really happy doing his own thing and that he generally does prefer his own company and that although he doesn't have any deep friendships, he does have friends.

She was right, he IS happy and he enjoys his life and his interests and to me that's all you can ask for! :)