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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really want DS to call my mum's partner 'Granddad'?

55 replies

Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 13:10

I am curious as to what the expectation would be from other people, having just read a thread about Uncles not being called Uncles.

My mother wants my son to call her partner Granddad. I'd rather he didn't, as he's not my father, and I don't consider him my stepfather either - they've been together five years, but I'm 34, he's just my mothers partner and not a parent to me. He's a perfectly pleasant chap and lovely with DS but not someone I love, and I don't particularly want my son growing up thinking he's my dad.

My sister has neatly sidestepped this whole issue by her kids calling him 'Granddad Jim' not his real name and I was planning to do that too, but now my mum says she doesn't like it and wants DS to call him just Granddad.

DS won't ever meet his 'real' Granddad as he's a twat who can't be bothered as we've lost touch, and I've had two other long-term stepdads since, however DH's father is very much around and called by another Granddad-type name.

I'm not massively upset by this or anything, but I just feel that it's ok to acknowledge the difference between a blood relative Granddad, and Granddad Insert-name-here who is Granny's partner.
It is quite clearly not meant as a slight or insult, in the context of my family, but I do see how others could poss see it that way.
AIBU?

OP posts:
doormat · 14/05/2012 13:15

no i understand where you are coming from...my grandad remarried after my dad moved out of home and because she was never a mother figure to him..we referred grandads wife as auntie tweedlebum..not her real name....

it also depends how involved he is in your ds life...will he be active grandparent in the sense or just seen as mums partner and not be in the childs life as much....there are others names he coupld be reffered to such as gangan, pops etc which he could be referred to..but that is your decison not your mums

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2012 13:17

YABU. Why would your DS think he's your father? If you tell him the truth, he'll understand the precise relationship as he gets older. As long as everyone gets on and knows who they're talking about, what does the name actually matter?

vj32 · 14/05/2012 13:20

Grandad Jim makes more sense, as you will call him by his name so I assume your ds will pick up on that anyway. My ds has 3 grandads, but my stepdad has been a parent to me so a bit different. He will not be calling my stepmother (if/when I get another one!) as grandma because she is unlikely to be in his life very long!!

bubby64 · 14/05/2012 13:21

My 2 have always called my FiLs 1st and 2nd wife Nanny(theirname). Also do the same for my mum. They are now 11 and realise that one is DH "real" mum and the other is not.

5Foot5 · 14/05/2012 13:26

My DD has always called Mum's partner Grandad or Grandad . It has never been a big deal. She knows he is not my Dad but as he dies long before she was born I think it is nice that she sees Mums partner as another Grandad.

Also when BIL married a few years ago he became a step-dad to a then 12yo. This boy now calls PILs Grandma and Grandad and they are thrilled.

sixgran · 14/05/2012 13:29

This is a very difficult issue as your Mum probably feels that you are rejecting her partner by not letting the kids call him Grandad. I faced a similar situation but it was easier for me because my mum never complained outright just hinted.
My children call my mum's partner by his christian name because, I, like you did not see him as a Grandad.

Have you tried talking to the man, rather than your mum. If you explain how you feel and that it is not meant in any way disrespectful, he might understand.
He may also help you mum to accept your decision. My advice would be to stick to you guns. If you give in it will upset you every time you hear the word Grandad on their lips.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 14/05/2012 13:30

When I was growing up my grandad had a wife called Yvonne who was his second wife. She was around long before I was born but I never called her gran, to me they were Grandad and Yvonne.....and my gran was my gran. I never thought anything of it and dont think anyone else did either.

Original poster
Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 13:33

Thanks doormat, he won't be particularly involved, they live 3 hours away and don't visit us, so we go to see them every few months.

Cogito kids just do make assumptions, and it would irk me. 'Jim' is still rather new on the scene to me, and names do matter to me, or I wouldn't have bothered posting about it! You're right tho about him understanding once he's older, I guess it's possible I just don't want to hear him calling him Grandad as it'll remind me about my father's absence? Hadn't actually considered that angle before...

OP posts:
5inabed · 14/05/2012 13:36

My children call my parents Nanny Liz and Grampa James and dhs parents Nanny Benjy and Grampa Ian (not their real names) dhs mum is called after the dog and my mum used to be called Nanny Walk as she always came and took the kids for a walk at one point my oldest dd 1 year old at the time used to put her shoes on whenever she heard my mums voice! They are all blood grandparents and I know lots of people who call their grandparents granny and grampa first name. I used to call mine granny and grampa second name. YANBU though to decide what he will be called he's not your childs grandad so it's your choice.

LightbulbSoup · 14/05/2012 13:44

I understand where you're coming from as my dad died 9 years ago and I now have a 2 year old DD. My mum remarried a couple of years ago and although the man she married will never be a father figure to me he has been in my DD's life from when she was born.

Like your mum and her partner, they also live a few hours away and are not involved much but I know how much they love my DD. She does call my mum's partner Grandad and it really doesn't bother me. It doesn't particularly remind me of my father's absence either. I have a photo of my dad in my living room which she will no doubt ask me about when she gets older so he won't be forgotten.

However, if you're not comfortable with it then speak to them. It's a personal thing and 'Grandad Jim' sounds just fine. YANBU.

WilsonFrickett · 14/05/2012 13:49

'Jim' is very new on the scene to you - fair enough, but he's not new on the scene to DS is he? He's been around in that 'grandad' role since he was born, presumably? If he acts like a grandad, he should have that name, IMO. That said, Grandad Jim is a perfectly acceptable compromise and I'd be saying to your mum you think it's best if both sets of grandchildren used the same name

Original poster
Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 13:50

sixgran I haven't spoken to him about it tbh, he's very much a 'small-talk' chatter, not easy to discuss anything personal with. I think I might ask my mum if the suggestion came from him, or if it bothers him that my sisters kids call him Grandad Jim. If she says it's her that it bothers, then I'll stick with calling him Grandad Jim! She does sometimes get offended on other peoples behalf, even tho she had rhino thick skin herself. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 13:52

Wilson yes of course, which is why I'm not suggesting he calls him plain 'Jim'. DS is only 1yo, and just cottoning onto this names business, so I need to pick one and stick with it! I like your reasoning tho, it's def a good bargaining tool! :)

OP posts:
wannaBe · 14/05/2012 13:55

he's not a father to you but he will be a grandfather to him.

I'm sorry but it's not the same.

My grandad was my grandad from the time I met him even though my dad called him Gerald. He'd been in my dad's life since he was about sixteen (his dad was a real bastard by all accounts) but we knew the score.

I think people underestimate children tbh - your ds won't assume that he's your dad if you're just upfront with him from the outset - what's the issue?

BikeRunSki · 14/05/2012 13:58

I know exactly how you feel. In a pretty identical situation, my DC call DM's partner 'Uncle Affectionate Nickname ' ( insert actual nickname!). He actually has nephews a similar age, so this kind of makes sense, that the children all call him the same name.

hackmum · 14/05/2012 14:25

I'm with the OP. When my mum died I found it quite upsetting when my dad died and he found a new partner. (Well, several, actually, as years went on.)

After he got together with his final partner, my DD was born. She was close to both my dad and his partner and treated the partner as a grandmother (though didn't call her gran, just called her by her name). Then when my DD was about 10, they split up. The partner made no attempt to contact us again or send birthday cards to DD (in fairness, we didn't make any attempt to contact her either).

My point is that there's a world of difference between someone's new(ish) partner and a real grandparent.

FunnysInLaJardin · 14/05/2012 14:28

We are in the same situation and the DC call MIL's new DH 'Nanna Michael' This is because he is called Michael and he is nanna's Michael. (FIL and DH are also called Michael!). We would never have called him Grandad because he isn't, their actual grandad died well before they were born.

TheUnMember · 14/05/2012 14:30

We always called my Nanna's husband Uncle Bob and my Grandad's wife Auntie Bob.

AThingInYourLife · 14/05/2012 14:33

I would use whatever name your DS's cousins are using.

And it does matter that Jim is new on the scene (to you) and also that he is the third long-term partner your mother has had.

How long is he even going to be around for?

A grandfather is a parent's father, or someone the parent chooses to see in a paternal role. It's not just whoever your Granny happens to be shacked up with at the time.

My SMIL who is very much a grandmother to my kids is called Granny Doris because I failed to come up with a good name for my Granny and the DDs got used to her being just Granny. Granny Doris doesn't mind at all.

Eglu · 14/05/2012 14:38

YANBU. My dc also call their real Gps Gran first name. So I would not evem be happy with the compromise that you suggest. But as you are happy woth Grandad Jim then I would go with that.

tomverlaine · 14/05/2012 14:42

YABU- DS and all my DN's call my mum's husband Grandad- it defines their relationship ; we don't call him dad so I think the DNs that are old enough know he is not our father but it makes no difference - he is more their grandad than my father is

lisaro · 14/05/2012 14:45

Your child - your choice.

Original poster
Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 14:45

hackmum see, you've hit the nail on the head there - biological grandparents will always be your grandad or granny whether or not they're actually around - I do still wonder if Jim will still be in the picture in another 5 years. I've collected four step-parents over the years, should they all be equal in grandparent status? No. But you could argue that my dads wife, who's been around for 24 years, is more entitled to be called Gran than Jim is to Grandad! completely ignoring the fact that I haven't seen said stepmum for 18 years And then what about my ex-stepdads? Grin

I think I'm going to stick with calling him Grandad Jim, but i will check with my mum to see if it bothers him or just her. If he's genuinely bugged by it, then I shall probably concede. As a few people have said, if he is being a grandad, then he is a grandad, Jim suffix notwithstanding.

OP posts:
Eglu · 14/05/2012 14:58

Tiddly I'm sure a lot of it is the fact that you have had lots of stepdads over the years. And reasonably so, you do not want your dc calling somebody Grandad then them disappearing.

doormat · 14/05/2012 15:02

i also have a step grandaughter whom i adore and i am called nanni doormat...i could never replace her bio grandmothers and wouldnt want to but just is nice to be part of her extended family x

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