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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not really want DS to call my mum's partner 'Granddad'?

55 replies

Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 13:10

I am curious as to what the expectation would be from other people, having just read a thread about Uncles not being called Uncles.

My mother wants my son to call her partner Granddad. I'd rather he didn't, as he's not my father, and I don't consider him my stepfather either - they've been together five years, but I'm 34, he's just my mothers partner and not a parent to me. He's a perfectly pleasant chap and lovely with DS but not someone I love, and I don't particularly want my son growing up thinking he's my dad.

My sister has neatly sidestepped this whole issue by her kids calling him 'Granddad Jim' not his real name and I was planning to do that too, but now my mum says she doesn't like it and wants DS to call him just Granddad.

DS won't ever meet his 'real' Granddad as he's a twat who can't be bothered as we've lost touch, and I've had two other long-term stepdads since, however DH's father is very much around and called by another Granddad-type name.

I'm not massively upset by this or anything, but I just feel that it's ok to acknowledge the difference between a blood relative Granddad, and Granddad Insert-name-here who is Granny's partner.
It is quite clearly not meant as a slight or insult, in the context of my family, but I do see how others could poss see it that way.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 15:03

AThing spot on! After all, what does the title denote but that they are the parent's parents? When I speak to my mum about it, I think I will need to point out that if it had been solely up to me he would be called just 'Jim', so Grandad Jim is a pretty decent compromise from my point of view.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 14/05/2012 15:06

If he married your mum then I'd call him grandad as he will be a grandfather figure to your son and blood ties for grandparents are a bit irrelevent as far as I'm concerned. Also kids have 2 (or more if parents divorced) sets of grandparents.
If you think he won't be around long then I understand you not wanting him called grandad. Alot depends on your bond with your mum and what she wants as she will remain in your lives.

Original poster

Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 15:06

Eglu yes, and I didn't call any of them Dad, there was no fondness. I think my mum possibly forgets about the past, she's very much a 'here and now' person! Pastures new and all that.

OP posts:

Ithinkitsjustme · 14/05/2012 15:06

My MIL had remarried and my children always called him Grandpa John, to differentiate from blood related grandfathers. Everyone was happy with this. If he isn't happy with a compromise then ultimately it's your choice whether you want to make an issue of it.

doormat · 14/05/2012 15:08

tiddly i agree with grandad jim being a reasonable compromise..but i also think you need to point out to your mum that the next bloke comes along doesnt get a title

monstertufts · 14/05/2012 15:11

I sympathise. My sister's boyfriend, with whom she has a child, is a complete waste of space who refuses to work and who leaves all the childcare plus all the breadwinning to her. I get very annoyed if anyone suggests that my children should think of him as an uncle. There has not been any confrontation about this, and I don't intend to have one. We don't see him that often, but I think I would go about things by referring to him as 'X' (rather than 'Uncle X') to my DCs, and hope they all got the hint.

But, anyway, YANBU. It's up to you to decide how you want your DCs to conceptualise their family

Mrbojangles1 · 14/05/2012 15:13

To be honest I think your both WRONG it's what the child wants to call him also what type of relationship they want to have

My son calls my in lawsby their names
They don't see him do anything for him and tret the other grandchildren very diffrent

I would tell child that if he wants to call xxxx grandad their fine if he dose nt want to then fine he he wants to call I'm somthing else that ine also I don't like adults defining childrens relationships

Mrbojangles1 · 14/05/2012 15:14

People get to hung up on blood it's about who is doing the job if it acts like a grandpa, talks like a grandpa and gives hugs like a grandpa THEN it's a grandpa

AThingInYourLife · 14/05/2012 15:21

"I don't like adults defining childrens relationships."

Yeah, good idea - don't involve yourself in any way with this relationship. Leave it to your child to make his own plans with Grandad Jim. :o

milkymocha · 14/05/2012 15:26

I know exactly where you are coming from.
My son idolises my dad who is just Grandad and sadly his other grandad passed away 8 months ago but we call him 'Grandad hisname' although my mum has attempted to get my son to call her partner 'grandad hisname' to which i bit my tongue about at first. I recently told her that we wouldnt be referring to him as grandad anymore as i think its disrespectful to my dad, my husband (who lost his much loved dad) and my husbands dad; god bless soul.
And also it was confusing for my son.

My son calls my mil nan, my mum 'nanny hername' and my nan 'nanny egg'
It works for us!

Original poster

Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 15:27

doormat

MrBojangles DS might well start calling him something different in time, or he might just shorten it and call him plain 'ol Grandad, that's fine if he does it himself, I won't stop/correct him. The thing I wasn't keen on was my mum insisting that he be called Grandad, when he isn't his Grandad. Grandad Jim = fine. DS evolving his name into Grandad over time (assuming Jim is still around) = fine. Automatic Grandad-hood just because he lives with my mum = grating.

OP posts:

Mrbojangles1 · 14/05/2012 15:29

Giddy agreed no one should force the issue op mum is a bit [ hmm]

GoPoldark · 14/05/2012 15:44

I think the bottom line is that your mum's feelings and wishes on what your DS calls someone should not take precedence over yours. And actually, they can't and won't, because the entity that is 'Grandad Jim' will actually only exist within your home iyswim - it's you and your DS that will use this name, not her and him in their home. As you see them so rarely that goes double!

Also, it makes sense to follow what your SIL is currently doing.

Finally, I get the feeling that a big bit of this is about your mum wanting to force more 'acceptance' out of you for her partner - to get you to make a point of publicly showing that he's in the family fold. But that kind of action should come unprompted from you - if it were me I'd dig my heels in at that little bit of bossiness even if I thought that Grandad Jim was the bees' knees.

I speak as someone who had 4 granddads due to divorce and remarriage, all of whom were in residence before I was born - they all had different titles and it cast no slur on their places in the family - I loved them all!!

GoPoldark · 14/05/2012 15:46

Aha your last post - yes that's what I was getting at - grating.

Stick to your guns. It is important that YOU decide things like this, in YOUR family. Not your mum.

truebluebabyiloveu · 14/05/2012 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CremeEggThief · 14/05/2012 15:58

YANBU. It's up to you what he calls him, not your mum! I actually think it's rude of her to think she has a right to have a say about this.

My mum would never express an opinion about what DS should call her partner of 7 years. DS, who's known him since he was 3, although we only see them once or twice a year, calls him by his first name, same as he does most adults. I certainly don't see him as my step-dad either.

Original poster

Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 16:05

trueblue that sounds very hard to take. There's no switch that suddenly flicks when people marry or move in new partners that makes you love them just because they're now 'official'. From the other point of view tho, it's very easy to love a baby or small child in the family you've just joined. I do appreciate that 'Jim' is very fond of my son, while I merely like Jim.

OP posts:

letseatgrandma · 14/05/2012 16:11

What has your mum said to your sister about what she does?

I hate being told what to call people and would do what you wanted personally!

x2boys · 14/05/2012 16:33

My dh has a stepdad who has been in his life for about 20 years even though dh mum died about 7 years ago he is still very much involved. my children and my sil children call him grandad[ first name] my dh dad is still alive[ as far as we know] but he cant be bothered with his kids or granchildren although my boys know about him and my oldest [ aged five is mildly curious about him.I M

Original poster

Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 16:37

letseatgrandma She doesn't dare say anything to my sister - Dsis is a very touchy person who gets upset easily then bottles it all up, so no one ever challenges her on anything! It might be canny trick to get her own way ;)

Last time we were there I said a few things like "Oh look there what has Grandad Jim got for you" etc etc, and she very pointedly would say "Grandad's got your toy, go and get it", just to remind me...

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiddlyompompom · 14/05/2012 16:39

I meant to add the odd and :) here and there, I'm not being all po-faced about it, honest!

OP posts:

monstertufts · 14/05/2012 18:47

'Last time we were there I said a few things like "Oh look there what has Grandad Jim got for you" etc etc, and she very pointedly would say "Grandad's got your toy, go and get it", just to remind me...'

Now that's bang out of order, if you ask me! It's clear that you've made a choice about what you want your DS to call him, and your mum is recognising this and yet trying to override you. Presumably she wouldn't do that with any other aspect of your parenting (at least, not without expecting a major shit storm).

Couldn't you just politely tell her that you want to reserve 'Grandad' for when you talk to them about their biological grandfather, and that anything else would be confusing for them?

(I say 'politely' - but I do think you'd be well within your rights to get quite pissed off about this!)

drcrab · 14/05/2012 18:55

My mum passed away 20 years ago. My dad got a new partner. Never married but been around for about 18 years? She's a widow.

My kids call her grandma. I refer to her as aunty as does my dh, my brother and his wife. But all the grand kids call her grandma. And it's fine. I won't begrudge her that!!

2rebecca · 14/05/2012 19:26

I'm not religious but do think marriage helps with alot of things like this. There is more a feeling of them becoming more of a family member and being a more permanent fixture than just moving in and staying. I'm glad my father is religious and won't just suddenly move some woman in and expect us to treat her like a member of our family.
When I'm old enough to be a granny I think if I'm not still married I'd rather live on my own than play house with a bloke I don't intend to marry and have my grandkids wonder what to call him.
I don't get why "Grandad Jim" is considered more acceptable than "grandad" by your mum as my nephews call both their grandads (who are blood relatives) "grandad first name" to differentiate the 2. I've never thought of it as a lesser form of address than just "grandad".

2rebecca · 14/05/2012 19:27

less acceptable, not more.

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