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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so angry and annoyed about this?

47 replies

blueballoon79 · 14/05/2012 12:23

I probably am being unreasonable but here goes.
I received a letter today from the school health service telling me my son was weighed and measured at school as part of the National Child Measurement programme and that his BMI is in the very overweight range.

Enclosed was a leaflet I found extremely patronising telling me how important it is for him to eat lots of fruit and vegetables and to get lots of exercise.

The reason I'm cross is because my son is disabled. He has cerebral palsy and had a major operation last January which means that he can now walk again.

He couldn't walk for weeks following the operation and had months of intensive physiotherapy plus I take him out regularly on a special trike to build up his strength again.

We are in regular contat with doctors, his physiotherapist and the hospital and not once has any concern been expressed about his weight and he is measured and weighed regularly at hospital.

When I called the School Health Service it wasn't even on record that he is disabled and as such it's not so easy for him to exercise as much as other pupils can.

I can't even let him go out on his own as he is very unsteady on his feet and often falls and is unable to stand up again by himself.

I'm so cross that all his hard work is negated by a letter stating he is obese and implying that I'm feeding him wrong and not getting him enough exercise, when I feed him extremely healthy meals and he exercises a lot!

He doesn't even look overweight. He has a slight bit of flab on his stomach but is very tall for his age and had broad shoulders and looks fine.

Ok I probably am being unreasonable but I just think it's too easy to be so general about things like this and I'm quite offended that it's presumed I'm feeding him the wrong food!

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 14/05/2012 12:25

YANBU.........definately not!! Like you say, he is under the care of a lot of doctors and if it was a problem they would have picked up on it.

I dont have any constructive advice to give you but just wanted to say no, YANBU!

CallMeAl · 14/05/2012 12:26

They didn't know, and they send them out to everyone. Just bin it and calm down.

StealthPolarBear · 14/05/2012 12:26

Yanbu it is a blunt tool and sounds like it needs to be better managed in cases like your ds. Howevr the approach is to inform the results then let the parent decide on the most appropriate next step, which I agree with. In your case, nothhing.

SugarBatty · 14/05/2012 12:27

Yanbu very insensitive.

Mama1980 · 14/05/2012 12:27

Yanbu

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 14/05/2012 12:29

Can I ask - and this will sound weird - are you overweight? and is your son's doctor, your doctor?
When my DCs have ever been measured etc they have been fine, but recently I changed my GP to theirs. Shortly after that, we got one of those vile "your child will die because he is fat" letters and the only thing that had changed was that the doctors now have my weight on record and I am, well, morbidly obese not to put too fine a point on it.
It might well be my "paranoia" kicking in, but I have a feeling that children of fat parents get these letters, and children of thin parents don't. Whenever there's one of those stories in the tabloids, the mother is always overweight. My son is fine, he isn't even the biggest/tallest in his class, in spite of a December birthday, and there has never been the slightest suggestion before that he is overweight, until now, all of a sudden he's "dangerously overweight" Confused It pisses me off - it is precisely because of my health and weight issues that I go to great lengths to make sure my children have a healthy diet and will never go through what I've been through. I'll stop now Grin cos I can feel myself getting ranty!

doormat · 14/05/2012 12:30

yanbu .....how awful and insensitive

tiktok · 14/05/2012 12:31

This is one of the drawbacks of the programme - it is a very blunt instrument indeed, and letters are not 'tailor made' to suit individuals at all, risking anger and hurt. If the School Health Service does not know your son's details then really the letter is not 'about' him.

When you are a bit calmer, you can write a letter saying how irritated the thing has made you, and asking them to change the wording on the letter, and to ensure they try to get details of children whose disabilities might affect the advice given, or indeed the actual weight.

They're not assuming you are feeding the wrong food - they have no idea about you! The machine has sent you the letter, not the health service people.

SofaKing · 14/05/2012 12:31

Yanbu, it must be terrible to receive such a letter implying that you do not care about your son's health when you are taking extra care of his health because of his disability.

Ask your doctors to weigh and measure him again next time you go to hospital, and explain to them about the letter you received. This will reassure you he is fine in the opinion of knowledgeable experts.

I'd also write a letter to the school explaining they have made an error by not taking into account his disability and how much they have upset you, and that you would like an apology.

It is really dangerous of them to do this to disabled kids, my sister was told she was overweight as she had to have her plaster jacket removed and replaced as she had grown (she has spinal bifida). She stopped eating as she was 13 and upset she was fat, she ended up underweight with a serious chest infection all because a health care professional made a nasty comment to her.

FaceForRadio · 14/05/2012 12:33

YANBU to feel upset by this.

But the person sending the letters may have just been looking at 'data' without actually knowing who they were sending the letter to.

Quick sweep of all children over a certain weight and letters go out to all. I suspect it was sent out to more than one.

WorraLiberty · 14/05/2012 12:33

YANBU to feel upset

But YABU if you think they can personalise every single letter to parents when they're taking on such a massive weighing and measuring programme nationwide.

Just bin it and please don't get upset.

LadySybilDeChocolate · 14/05/2012 12:35

They sent the same letter to a child undergoing chemotherapy here! Hmm It's a standard one, just bin it. The NHS are struggling to see that every child is different and has different needs.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 14/05/2012 12:35

Pombear, no I aren't overweight. I'm not slender either. I'm a size 14, I used to be a lot slimmer but having two children put an end to that!

My letter was very much how you described; telling me that he'll get diabetes, heart disease or cancer if I don't make changed to his lifestyle immediately.

I'm absolutely fuming about it all and I'm glad that you all seem to think that it is an insensitive letter. Thank you!

OP posts:
monkeymoma · 14/05/2012 12:35

YANBU OP

but
"My son is fine, he isn't even the biggest/tallest in his class," this doesn't mean anything, average and normal doesn't necessarily = healthy any more! The problem is I think that a lot of parents seem to compare their children to their peers, and these days a lot of their peers are very overweight, so think their child is fine because they're not one of the "fat ones", but actually if same child was in a classroom 20 years ago they WOULD have been one of the biggest

I see this in people writing in about this to local press, okay in the photo the child is not ENOURMOUS, but isn't exactly the nobbley kneed picuture of active youth either, some parents want to be left alone until their child has 3 chins but IMO it is much more helpful to be informed when your child STARTS to have an unhealthy weight than when they are very clearly well down the road - its easier to do a little bit of damage control and get back on the right track then to undo massive weight gain - that's what the letters are about IMO, trying to nip it in the bud before it gets to morbid obesity!

WorraLiberty · 14/05/2012 12:36

Pom Is your child overweight or not?

Sorry I can't work it out from your post

NoVeggiesBeforeEggies · 14/05/2012 12:36

YANBU.
The letter and information sheets are very patronising.

I got one about DS- as did every other mum with a son I spoke to. Even the very slight ones. Confused

theres a story in my local paper here
(This is not us, btw!)

Sorry it's upset you. Chuck it in the bin!

FaceForRadio · 14/05/2012 12:37

Send the letter back. With your comments.

WorraLiberty · 14/05/2012 12:37

It's not a vile letter by the way and it doesn't tell you your child will die or will get those illnesses.

It tells you that they're very much at risk of getting them.

GeneHuntsMistress · 14/05/2012 12:40

YANBU how awful for you and your DS

BTW I opted out of the programme. It is not compulsory.

MarysBeard · 14/05/2012 12:42

I got a letter saying DD1 was slap bang in the middle of the healthy weight range and there was still a healthy eating guide with it.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 14/05/2012 12:42

Sofaking, that's terrible what happened to your sister :(

OP posts:
bubby64 · 14/05/2012 12:43

I had a simular thing, so complained to the school, but it turns out it is not the schools fault. My son has a muscle tone problem, only one lung and is on long term drug therapy which all contribute to him putting on weight, and has difficulty in exercising to get rid of it. I got the letter saying he was "obese", yet his ID twin without these problems is "within normal limits". I complained to the school, and the nurse who did the measurements said she was fully aware of DS1s problems, and had made remarks on his form to say this, but that the statistics and letters are generated by the health authority, and all she is allowed to send there are the measurements, with no additional data. She said we have the right to refuse these measurement being taken. I didnt refuse, as, when I asked my son what he thought, he said he didnt want to be made to feel any "different" from his classmate, he has a hard enough time as it is.
I just chucked the letter in the bin!

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 14/05/2012 12:47

I think I probably am being a little too sensitive as I have struggled a lot this past year as has my son in recovering from his surgery and all the hospital appointments and never ending physiotherapy. I'm a single mum and both my children are disabled and at times I find it incredibly hard and anything that I construe as a criticism I take very hard if you see what I mean?

I just think that their way of doing things is wrong and bizarre.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/05/2012 12:56

I think that's perfectly understandable that you feel that way given your circumstances OP.

But really, this is a massive Nationwide programme the Government are sadly having to undertake.

It's just not possible to personalise it I expect.

NoMoreMarbles · 14/05/2012 12:58

YADNBU IMO!

Sounds like total miscommunication or a general letter like my DDs school sends over a certain percentile. We got one saying my DD is too tall so to look at her diet. I laughed at it and threw it away. How on earth can she be "too tall" it isn't like shes over 6' tall. She's 4'1" at 6yo but she was very long at birth and has been on 99th all her lifeHmm ignore ignore ignoreSmile

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