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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is my sister?

55 replies

iwannabewizbit · 14/05/2012 11:09

i have a shite relationship with my sister at the best of times, so i may be being the U one, but i wanted to check!
dsis is pregnant, and i said yesterday that oh and i cant wait to be auntie and uncle to the baby.
she then says that baby will not be calling my oh ( married 8 yrs, been together 12) uncle as my children do not call her husband uncle. my children are 5, 8 and 13. and she has only b een with her oh 3 yrs, married 1 yr.
so my chidren havent started calling him Uncle as he is very new in their lives.
are me and my oh being U wanting to be auntie and uncle when her husband is not called uncle by our children?

OP posts:

lollystix · 14/05/2012 11:40

YABU - I'm in your sister's boat. I am not called auntie despite having been on the scene for 2 years prior to DN (who is now 15!) being born and I've been quite involved in her life. I find it slightly offensive - like I'm not worthy or something?!.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 14/05/2012 11:42

Does she know that her dh is uncle in all but name? tbh though thats still a bit shit, its the name that kind of signifys the relationship to many, its would be as though he is a secret uncle or something, one you cant offically name but can do the job... i think she is playing you at your own game and you've lost. and yes, if it was important I'm sure you could convince your 13 year old to call him uncle. If he is used to using such titles for others whats the problem wih saying, hes your uncle, call him uncle??

Mrsjay · 14/05/2012 11:42

He is their uncle you are being petty how many years does he have to qualify to be uncle , he is married to their auntie so therefore he is uncle , I think your sister is just playing you at your own game TBH ,

Original poster

iwannabewizbit · 14/05/2012 11:44

lolly, you have been around for 17 yrs, and are auntie to a child who is 15. not calling you auntie is a snub. you have the right to be auntie.
her husband has been around 18 months. to a 13years(and 4 months) old.
its one thing to call my husband by his name but it just seems mean to say he isnt allowed to be acknowledged as the babys uncle by any of us.
( i think its upsetting me as oh has no siblings, his only sister died when she was a child) so my side of the family is the only way he will ever be an uncle.)

OP posts:

Original poster

iwannabewizbit · 14/05/2012 11:45

fair enough looks like iabu.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 14/05/2012 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pooka · 14/05/2012 11:46

We just call uncles/aunts by first names in my family - I.e. my aunt, sarah, is called sarah by me and my brothers.

It's continued on to our children - we're just known by our first names.

Doesn't mean theyre less important or not proper uncles/aunts. Just less formal I suppose.

But obviously in your family it seems to mean something, and on that basis I think yabu - why should your dh be 'uncle' whatever, and your BIL not be extended the same courtesy?

TheUnMember · 14/05/2012 11:46

My brother got married when my daughter was 19. She calls his wife Auntie. Wasn't that hard.

YABU

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/05/2012 11:46

OP... you're being very silly. You aren't going to have a great relationship with your niece or nephew to be because you have a lousy one with their mother. That is a fact. If I were your sister, I'd stay away from you because you're all puffed up with nonsense about things that aren't meaningful at all, particularly when you don't have much of a relationship.

You are compounding the silliness with the aunt/uncle reference. It seems to be all about control and how you and your sister can battle for a bit of power and one-up-manship. You can't refuse for your children to refer to your BIL as uncle and then expect your husband to be called that himself. It won't happen. I think you know this.

Grow up, tackle the problem of your relationship with your sister NOW or all of this will be a moot point and it will be at your own hands.

Rollersara · 14/05/2012 11:47

I find it all a bit odd. My nephew is 7 and calls both me and my OH by our first names, without Auntie and Uncle. He knows that's what we are, but there's no need to say it. My DD has one Uncle X, but only to differentiate him from the other X in the family. What does it matter?

WorraLiberty · 14/05/2012 11:47

A kid in my son's class seems to gain a different Uncle every weekend

Seriously OP if the title means that much to you and your Sister, you'd be better off making sure all the kids use it.

Mrsjay · 14/05/2012 11:50

A lot of families dont use aunt or uncle but I think if a familiy does then it should be extended to all IYSWIM , ive an aunt who is only 10 yrs younger than me my Uncles wife she was a bit at first but she didnt mind i was 11 when they got married ,

TheUnMember · 14/05/2012 11:52

Rollersara it doesn't matter whether auntie/uncle are used overall. What matters is consistency. It's unreasonable to not use them for your siblings' partners but expect your siblings to use them for yours.

Original poster

iwannabewizbit · 14/05/2012 11:53

Lying, i have honestly tried so hard to sort out the relationship with my sister. I have. i cant change the things that happend in our childhood which made us not have a good relstionship.
i have tried as adults to become closer. i asked her to be godmother to my children, i have tried to include her in their lives and mine. and it has been thrown back time and time again.
i was hopeful that her becoming a mum would give us a more even keel, give us something in common. but now that she is pregnant she feels that everythign i have done whilst pregnant and as a mum is wrong as it is different to how she is doing it.
our childhood was not a nice time for either of us. and instead of being able to sort it out and move past it my sister wont let go of it. she has totally cut our other sibling out of her life aswell and i dont want the same for me. thats why i was checking if i was being U. so i can adjust my behaviour to try and keep some line of relationship open.

OP posts:

iscream · 14/05/2012 11:54

Tell your children to call him Uncle from now on.

It is frustrating to hear anyone say they just can't think of X as y, as they have always known them as X. If someone gets married, say a teacher they respect, and becomes Mrs Smith instead of Miss Jones, would your children not call her Mrs Smith?
It may take a few gentle reminders, but you simply remind them to address him as uncle. You may mention he feels a bit left out because the other uncle is called uncle, and that you did not really think of that before. But it has dawned on you after auntie said it would be a great gift to him for the children to call him uncle.

Kaluki · 14/05/2012 11:59

I don't think of DPs niece and nephew as anything to do with me really. Is that wrong? They are lovely and his DN was only a few months old when I met her but it has never occurred to me to call them my niece and nephew and I'm pretty sure DP feels the same about my nieces and nephew too.
Maybe we are BU????

IAmBooyhoo · 14/05/2012 12:02

my dcs are 6 and 2. they call my sister by her name when calling her or talking to her but if i am referring to her i will call her auntie X. she has never been bothered by this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/05/2012 12:11

iwanna.. fair enough, but do you think that your current stance was ever going to get the response you wanted? Of course not.

In your position, I'd meet up with my sister, on neutral territory and explain how sad I was. I wouldn't talk about what's gone on, just asking her what can be done for us to be close (again) as that's all that matters.

I know it's easy to say and very difficult to do but until you know what is upsetting your sister, you can't fix this. Somebody has to make the first move and it's going to have to be you by the looks of it. Talk to her, with nobody else around, just you and her. She may well be waiting for an olive branch or just for you to acknowledge that she will be a mum herself and you don't get to decide everything. That might be fair or unfair, but does it matter? At the end of it all, you want you relationship with your sister to be better.

I wish you luck, dealing with family is never easy.

ivykaty44 · 14/05/2012 12:16

you are in charge of your children not the other way around - if you let your ds be in charge of what he and his siblings call their relations then you will have problems - and in fact you do.

IloveJudgeJudy · 14/05/2012 12:20

Actually, as he is married to your sister, he is your DC's uncle. If that's what he wants to be called, then that's what they should call him. If his name was Dave, you wouldn't call him Davidola or something else, would you? You'd call him Dave. It's the same here.

Even if your oldest DC is 13, you can still tell him what to call your sister's DH. I have 3 teenagers and I would tell them the same if it came up. It's just teaching them manners.

LyingWitch is right. Someone does have to make the first move otherwise it's just an impasse which helps no-one.

claudedebussy · 14/05/2012 12:24

yabu, as you've acknowledged.

i disagree re getting your kids to call him uncle. you can say to them that he is their uncle so it might be nice to acknowledge it. just ask them! as you say, don't make an issue of it.

your dsis and dbil ARE obviously hurt by them not calling him uncle. tell your sister you've had a word with your kids. beyond that there's not much more you can do, but sorry that he feels hurt.

then leave it.

if you want to repair your relationship you have to act with love and kindness in your heart. not resentment and anger. even though you're doing nice things people can sense when they're not from the heart. really.

fuckarama · 14/05/2012 12:32

You ASKED to be godmother? Entitled? Much?

Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander - if you want your DH to be "uncle" then you have to let her DH be "uncle".

Fairs fair.

YABU

fuckarama · 14/05/2012 12:34

Sorry - misread - you asked her to be godmother - that'll teach me to multi-task.

Sorry

2rebecca · 14/05/2012 12:34

If an uncle wants to be called uncle then I would insist the kids call him uncle, not to is rude. My kids sometimes call their relatives x or y rather than auntie x, uncle y just because the adults are calling each other x and y but they do this to blood relatives as often as married in relatives and I try to correct them. I would not let them snub one of their uncles by refusing to call him uncle x and would tell them that everyone wants them to call him uncle x from now on as that is what he is.
My kids don't call anyone who isn't an uncle or aunt (ie married to a sibling) uncle or aunt so they don't have many aunties and uncles to remember.

If anyone isn't married to their partner and wants to be called auntie by his nieces then it seems sensible to get married. You can't get upset at not being called auntie if you aren't an aunt. marriage is important for these things.

CaptainHetty · 14/05/2012 12:39

I don't call any of my uncles 'Uncle... Bob/Joe/Whatever' I just call them by their names. Same with my Aunts. They're both still uncles, even if the term isn't used in every day context.

I can see why it might be upsetting for you but try not to take it to heart, it doesn't make him any less an uncle if she refuses to use the term :)

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