to still find motherhood hard to come to terms with?

[Tangointhenight]

I have a 7 month old DD, who I love more than anything. She was a planned baby but almost as soon as I got pregnant I couldn't shake the 'what have I done' feelings. Anyway, I had a very rough pregnancy which resulted in a traumatic birth and PND which was tied up in feelings of complete inadequacy (I 'failed' at breastfeeding after 6 weeks), feeling trapped, panic attacks, thinking what the point in living was. I had severe insomnia and pretty much spent all day every day yelling at my DD for constantly crying, then crying ny eyes out for yelling at her.

After a hideous 6 weeks I spoke to my HV who referred ne to ny gp who prescribed fluoxetine and things started looking up. I'm no longer taking medication, but honestly as much as I love DD, not a day goes by where I don't wish, even for a split second, to be me preDD again I feel so selfish for thinking this, so basically I'm asking if this us normal or should I speak to my gp again? its almost like my brain can't come to terms if the massive change in my life!

Close friends took to motherhood like ducks to water, I just find it so hard, relentless, everyday...maybe I just need to suck it up.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Sorry for the spelling mistakes, on my phone

It gets easier OP! I felt like that too and my DD is almost 6 now and is AWESOME! Seriously, when she starts walking and talking it is wondrous.

I think lots of women give the illusion of coping when really they aren't. There is the pressure to be super woman and people find it hard to admit they find bits tricky. Please don't think you are alone in this.

Are you getting to do anything for yourself and by yourself? Do you have any breaks at all? Caring for a baby is relentless but it does get easier bit by bit.

My kids are 9, 4 and 1 now - and it's the 1 year old who is the hardest work despite being scrummy.

It's perfectly normal to feel this way!
I had 5 babies, with a 16 year gap between pfb and no5, and there are still days when I feel just like you. You are NOT the only parent to have these feelings, and 7 months isn't long at all, really, to get used to the MASSIVE upheaval a baby, especially a first baby, causes in your life. Nothing can prepare you for it, but you are capable, you are NOT a bad mother (or you wouldn't be here worrying about it) and you can do this!
It is relentless, especially in the early days, you have to interpret your baby's cries, work out what they want/need, be all things to all people, and do it covered in sick and with no sleep. But you are doing it! you've done it for seven months, and are still going. And I promise you, absolutely PROMISE and swear it on my soul, things WILL get easier, and better, and you will get enough sleep, and your baby will grow into a wonderful person who will return tenfold everything you give now. It won't happen overnight, and there will be ups and downs, and tantrums and strops (for you and the baby ) but you can do it - you will do it. You are doing it right now.
And one day you'll go out without the baby again too, and have a drink or go dancing, or whatever it is you did before she arrived, but you'll have her to come home to :)

You will be doing fine, it can be hard to make the adjustment from being child free to having a child. I know I felt that, that I didn't know what I was doing, it seemed such hard work etc etc and that is because it is a constant round of feeding, changing, sleeping or not and its not until they are a bit older that it gets easier.

You haven't failed at anything, e.g. breastfeeding, it just didn't work for you and you've done it another way, that is being mother doing what works for you and your child.

By the way, most mothers I know, me included don't always show its hard work and put on a bit of a front. I don't believe anyone who says it is easy.

I don't know anything about PND, there will be others on here who do and can help you, but I would go to your GP and get any help you need.

Are you getting out to any playgroups, NCT, child centre groups? I found getting out and seeing other people really helped. In fact just getting out of the house helped.

god it's the hardest thing I have ever done! I have had "what have I done" moments and thought how much I didn't appreciate how easy life was pre ds - I think I'd find it easier if ds sttn - I am exhausted! I just want a fw nights of uninteruppted sleep! But I do have more of a routine now and plan my weeks better and that helps - and I love ds more than anything - it is still hard though.

I still find it really hard, and dd is 2.5yo. I could wait for my maternity leave to end - it's only recently I've been able to admit that I hated the baby phase.

I think that a lot more mothers struggle than are willing to admit - what are you meant to say when everyone asks 'are you enjoying motherhood?'. I never felt able to say, no I bloody well am not, I'm lonely and miserable and have a child who never stops screaming. And I'm pretty sure i wasn't unique in my feeling.

On a positive note, toddler years are much more fun and funny, in some ways more of a challenge, but much more fun!

Excellent post PomBear.

Are you going back to work OP? Being the full time mother of a baby or toddler IS relentless. Some women thrive on it, but some (including many excellent mothers I know) are happier when they return to work either full or part time.

Doing something else can allow you to appreciate the time with your children in a way that can be difficult when you're with them 24/7. It doesn't mean you love them any less.

I breezed through the baby days, finding my baby DD a doddle to look after and wondering what all the fuss was about.
It was only when she turned 2 that the full weight of being her mother and responsible for a whole other person and all of their needs came crashing down on me and I had a mini-breakdown. I think every single mother must go through a phase where things seem hard, relentless and miserable, no matter how much that seem to have their shit sorted on the outside. You're not alone, OP.

I don't have any advice, because I'm still in the early months of first-time motherhood, but I absolutely agree with skybluepearl. People who look as though they are finding everything easy and enjoyable may be struggling to come to terms with things just as much as you are.

I made the mistake of avoiding some women who had babies around the same time as I did, because they seemed to be breezing through it all, while I felt the opposite - failed at breastfeeding, crushed by the repetitive, treadmill-nature of my days, wondering what the hell I'd done, and so on. More recently I've caught up with a few of them and they've told me about utter meltdowns they had and real struggles. I'd never have guessed, and nor had they guessed that I hadn't taken to motherhood like a duck to water.

However, if your desire to be pre-DD is so relentless, then I think it probably is a good idea to speak with your GP again. Also, I found it helpful to do a variety of courses like baby massage, and mix with lots of different new mothers - you may not meet people who are willing to speak openly about similar feelings to yours, but you may well have conversations that show you how "normal" it is to be struggling, and certainly that not everyone finds it easy.

Sorry, this isn't much help, but I just want you to know that I really sympathise and while I no longer feel that way, I did spend quite some time wishing I hadn't "ruined my life" or wondering about adoption. That last point is one I've never mentioned to anyone in real life.

It took me a very long time to realise that motherhood doesn't come naturally to many, many people, not just me.

I'm starting to get the hang of it and mine are 8 and 5. You are normal. It gets better.

My dd is 5mo and I've been feeling the same as you. Diagnosed with PND. Failed at bfing, everyone else seems like they're doing better...

Feeling like you'd prefer life to be back to how it was pre-dd makes you feel like a terrible mother doesn't it? It's a vicious circle.

Anyway, you really should still be taking the Fluoxetine - you should take it for at least 6 months after you feel better.

You're definitely not alone.

Oh hon, don't beat yourself up for feeling like this! 7 months is still very little, she'll be needing a lot from you and it's totally knackering. I had a bit of a rough pregnancy - nothing life-threatening but constantly sick and very painful SPD - and it took me a full year to feel like my old self again, not tired and weepy all the time, even though I felt that I'd been coping pretty well. I remember one day waking up and actually having energy again. Until that day I hadn't quite realised how shattered I was.

You've undergone a truly massive life change and it's not at all surprising that you're still feeling a bit shell shocked. Think that it takes most people a few months to really settle into a new job, and that's NOTHING compared to adjusting to motherhood. A few people do seem to just sail into it - I knew people who were out bloody jogging with their 2-month-olds in those special buggies, when I was barely able to crank my eyes all the way open and get dressed. But there are lots and lots of people who find it hard, and that's OK. It doesn't make you a bad person. I still have fleeting moments of thinking all the fab things I could be doing if I wasn't a mother, and I am very happy as a SAHM most of the time!

It gets easier when the constant need for you to help with their basic functions gets less. There'll come a day when you can set her up with a bowl of food and a spoon, and just sit nearby reading or something while she eats quite capably by herself. And she'll need a few fresh nappies a day instead of forty gazillion. And she'll be able to wander around the living room amusing herself with toys without needing your input. It does get less relentless.

Whether you go to the GP again really depends on whether you feel you need the help. There may be other things apart from medication, in case you don't feel like you want to go back on the fluoxetine. If you're in the UK, perhaps Homestart could be of use? www.home-start.org.uk/homepage

Firstly you haven't failed at anything. You BF for 6 weeks which is a darn sight longer than a lot of folk manage. And at the end of the day it really doesn't matter so much as long as your DD is being fed and looked after.

I found the first 6 months so hard. It does get better, I promise you. When their wee personalities shine through and they start communicating with you it really makes a difference.

As for your depression. I can't comment on PND but having suffered depression myself in the past then yes I would speak to someone. Noone is going to judge and if someone can help then take all the help you can.

I found getting out helped. Every day. Whether it was mums and toddlers (not for everyone), meeting friends for coffee or even just a walk in the park, it got me through.

Everyone else looks as though they're natural mothers. It's only on here that some of them admit the truth.

Thankyou so much for your replies, you can't know how much it means to me to hear you all being so honest about your feelings too, my friends all rave about how they can't wait to start trying for the next one, while I'm sitting thinking I can't cope with one so how the hell could I cope with another one! So its nice to know I'm not a total freak of nature!

pombear your reply brought a tear...I know I can do it and my DD is so precious to me but I just want this helpless phase over with, cue more guilt about wishing her life away!

bigjoeent I try to get out most days, whether it be to my parents or the shop or meet friends, I dont go to baby groups mainly because I feel inadequate if I'm honest, maybe I should join one. I have plenty of support from my family and DH which got me through the worst, I honestly don't know where I'd be without my own mum, but when it boils down to it I am the main care giver and DD wants me most which means I rarely get 'me' time.
I go back to work part time in a few months, am hoping it lets me appreciate my time with her more.

When I see pregnant women who are having their first I actually pity them, instead of feeling happy for them :-(

Appreciate everyone's replies so much thankyou!

When I first had DS I looked at parents of older children and thought they must know what they're doing and be really confident. I was totally stumped and didn't have any maternal instinct at all.

Now I have a 5yo DS and a 3yo DD I still wing it. Ok, I'm more confident with some things (I know when they're ill for a start) but a lot of time I'm tearing my hair out.

i think the majority of us have been there, i know i certainly have, it can be so hard. your first child is a major shock, planned or not.

i promise you, it gets sooooo much easier, one day it all just falls into place. toddlers are hard work but ridiculously fun and when they get to about 4 it's lovely, they are your best friend and nowhere near as much hard work.

OP, don't feel bad about carving out some me time. Your DD may 'want you most' but that doesn't mean she can't manage with her dad or grandma for a couple of hours while you sit and read peacefully in Starbucks or whatever you want to do. I too found the maternity leave stage relentless and it seemed like a very long day till my other half got home. It will improve.

It is shocking to realise how much you've changed and to be faced with some of those hidden flaws that kids bring out so, so well. I love motherhood 90% of the time and still get those yearnings to just be me again. Some weeks its more 70:30 - others more 20:80. I find it easiest when I separate out those thoughts about being someone different rather than confuse them with personal failure. I don't manage it that often but I thought it might be a strategy worth sharing...

OP working part time is wonderful.

i get to drink hot cups of tea. I get a lunch break and I get to go to the loo on my own.

And I miss DS and look forward to seeing him at the end of the day.

It really is the best of both worlds for me and I hope it works for you too.

Good luck.

Oh and when you're feeling the Fail, it's easy to feel your child's need for you more than anyone as a validation that then prevents you letting others help - but that can create it's own problems! Please do take the odd half hour to go off on your own and do nothing except be yourself. Now to follow my own advice!

Gentleness you have hit the nail on the head, as much as I crave a break I just can't let go enough to trust others to know how to look after her properly, the way I do it, all her little routines, favourite songs, books, etc...I'm a bit of a control freak! I will only let my mum babysit her atm, MIL keeps asking to but I keep refusing, I can't trust her, I just can't, not yet :-( maybe as she gets older I will find it easier to let others take control!

Tango - i can completely empathise with you on some of the points you make. I had a fairly easy pregnancy but then had a 3rd degree tear and problems with bf leading to me expressing 8-10 times a day with a double pump like a dairy cow! I stopped at about 6 weeks too as I felt I was heading towards PND but then struggled with feelings of guilt and sadness for months. For months I had moments when I kept thinking 'what have I done' and mourned my life pre dd. Things got easier as she became more interactive, and then I went back to work part-time when she was nearly 1. I think that has had the biggest impact on my relationship with her - I love every minute I spend with her now and look forward to her getting up each day. She's funny and cheeky and a joy to spend time with. On the days I'm not at work we are together more or less constantly and whilst she's strong willed and doesn't always do what I want she's the best thing in our lives.

It's tough to admit these feelings - I have one friend who I could admit this too as she had felt the same and dh and my parents knew, but it never felt right to tell anyone else. It will get better I promise, and those tough days do start to become a distant memory. Hope the responses help.