to still find motherhood hard to come to terms with?

[Tangointhenight]

I have a 7 month old DD, who I love more than anything. She was a planned baby but almost as soon as I got pregnant I couldn't shake the 'what have I done' feelings. Anyway, I had a very rough pregnancy which resulted in a traumatic birth and PND which was tied up in feelings of complete inadequacy (I 'failed' at breastfeeding after 6 weeks), feeling trapped, panic attacks, thinking what the point in living was. I had severe insomnia and pretty much spent all day every day yelling at my DD for constantly crying, then crying ny eyes out for yelling at her.

After a hideous 6 weeks I spoke to my HV who referred ne to ny gp who prescribed fluoxetine and things started looking up. I'm no longer taking medication, but honestly as much as I love DD, not a day goes by where I don't wish, even for a split second, to be me preDD again I feel so selfish for thinking this, so basically I'm asking if this us normal or should I speak to my gp again? its almost like my brain can't come to terms if the massive change in my life!

Close friends took to motherhood like ducks to water, I just find it so hard, relentless, everyday...maybe I just need to suck it up.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

I totally understand what you mean but it is a risky strategy - my friend felt like that but by the time she had learned to trust others with her child, her child couldn't cope without her which was much harder longterm. Maybe you could build up really slowly by say going on a walk with mil but sitting on a bench while she did a circuit of the park. Be kind to yourself, and accept that it's your challenge to allow yourself to be supported!

I can really sympathise as I had a similar experience. From the moment I fell pregnant (very much planned and wanted) nothing went as I'd imagined from chronic morning sickness, through induction, emergency CS, having to concede defeat with BF and suffering from hideous PND.

It really does get better, although it is virtually impossible to imagine it when you are in 'that place', and I must admit that I found returning to work PT was when things really started to come together.

I also can't recommend the book Life after Birth highly enough. It really helped me to realise that what I was feeling was normal and that I was not alone, which in itself was hugely comforting.

I have had 3 dc and while I don't have experience of pnd I absolutely understand the feeling of grieving for your pre-dc life.. I felt exactly the same, in the early days it is hard work, seemingly relentless and often boring and frustrating. Trust me, many, many mums feel the same way. And the desire and pressure (whether perceived or real) to be seen to be not only coping, but loving every second can be overwhelming. But we truly are our own worst enemy, take every day as it comes, deal with every little task as it arises and things will just get easier. You are not a bad mother for disliking a lot of motherhood- you are a fantastic mother for admitting your feelings youself and other people and doing it anyway.

I promise this phase will pass, and like other posters have said, it truly does become rewarding. I struggled with giving up my old life, but my eldest dd just started school. I looked at her, all grown up on the mat in her uniform with huge smile on her face and my heart literally burst with pride. I have never in my life felt such an overpowering sense of joy, love and 'it's all been worth it-ness'
I can't wait for many more moments like this and I wouldnt swap the 'old' me for anything.
It will happen to you too :)
Hang on in there, you are most definitely not unusual, or alone . X

OP my DD is 7 months too and still a rubbish sleeper a lot of the time .

I had a meltdown at about 4 months because I felt like a shit Mummy (never been near babies really before her) and whilst she is fab and I love her to bits I do crave my lovely quiet house back .

For now I do think it is a case of just ploughing on until you are spending a few days back at work. Some people need to routine and adult conversation of work. Have you got a routine/various things you do at home with her? I would highly suggest you joining some classes with her as it gives you routine and stuff to get out for, any random thing for DD because at this age DD is happy to play about and see new faces and you need other people to interact with. Where are you? Is there a Sure Start Centre near you?

As others have said though the fact you are even dwelling on these things make you a great Mummy.

I can only echo what everyone has said about it being normal to feel like this.
It is the biggest change in your life that you'll ever experience and to mourn your previous lifestyle is something we've all done (and sometimes still do)
I had a traumatic birth and developed PND too. My anger wasn't focused at DS (now 3.6) but was aimed at DH (for lack of help). I actually wanted to stab him at one point!
That was when I sought help, I had pills but DH shouted at me for taking them (but he didn't know how close he came to physical injury).
I have to say: those first months / year had to be the worst time, mentally, of my life.
But now DS is such a joy, I sleep reasonably well, I work part time and I spend half my day laughing at him.
It does get so much easier as they become able to communicate with you.

I once went on a "control your stress" course (through work) and I had to make a list of 3-5 things that I like to do every day. Now these things should be utterly normal: hot tea in the morning; catch the news headlines before work; bath at night; read for 20 mins before bed.
Just simple, relatively easy "ME time" things.
Make a list of up to 5 of these, and make sure you achieve 3 each day. Trust me, 30 mins a day, in the bath, is probably what cured me (sounds daft!). It's about looking after yourself, your mental wellbeing and having a small amount of time where you aren't mummy.

I also echo the "let MIL help" bit. I had the reverse: MIL I trusted, my mum - no way!! But little by little I let my mum do stuff with DS and he utterly adores her. I'd never let her have him overnight (she's not physically in good health) but she takes him out for a few hours each week with my Dad - he has a great time.

It will get better, it will get easier, you are a fantastic, utterly normal mum

I think the first baby you go through a sort of grieving process for your old lifestyle. It's a huge change and it's natural it takes a while to adapt. As others have said, it gets a lot better/easier.

I found it helped to tell others mum friends how I was feeling - turned out many of them felt the same way, including those I thought seemed to be 'perfect' mums. So those friends of yours you say took to motherhood so easily, may just be putting on a good show!

ps rather than baby groups maybe look for baby activities - swimming is great, we're also joining a farm toddler group where they feed animals and go on farm walks - better than sitting around trying to make small talk with random women

pps whenever anyoneasks me how motherhood is going I say ' it is the hardest thing I have ever done' no one has made me feel bad about it

Being a mum is definitely the hardest job I have ever had.
My twins have just turned 4, and I feel exhausted by the end of each day.
I am in fact sat here in tears now, as they have just pulled down their blackout blind and I have no idea how I am going to fix it. No blackout blind at this time of year means no sleep :(
I think you just have to keep telling yourself it will get easier, and you are definitely not alone in feeling like this.

If you think about what a massive irreversible adjustment it is, going from not being a parent to being a parent, it's amazing people cope as well as they do.

OP I found the first year tough. Much better now that DS is nearly 2 and developing so much personality and his own interests.

I still have days when I think "I have a kid. OMG. How did that happen?" though.

Some days I just feel so weary, not tired, well I feel tired most of the time now I'm used to it, but somedays I just feel like its an effort to even get out of bed to heat her bottle, or change her nappy. I do it because I have to but it takes a lot of effort.
I'm relieved to hear it does get easier to come to terms with, I just don't think anything in this world can prepare you for it, I always thought I was very maternal until I had a baby and realised I'm not actually!

I am so pleased everyone feels like this. i have 7 week old dd. I love her to bite but feel my life has been taken from me! So tired sometimes I feel sick! Everytime I go out its so much effort! Trying to plan my life around her feeds etc. I think its hard adjusting to your freedom going. Ny Dh still has a lot of his. My dm helped in beg. I don't get on that well with mil and she has bad hip 68. I watch her with dd but wince at how.she holds her etc she struggles to change her nappy. However how I do I get across I only wish my mum to watch her atmoment. I haven't left her with anyone yet but know I need to for my sanity. I sympathise with you about other mums seeming to come natural. I had forceps and needed two transfusions after breastfeed for 3 days and my milk dried up cos of blood loss,felt awful like everyone judging me. I hold onto.everyone saying it gets easier!!!!

Tango why don't you come and join us on our thread for October babies.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/1461692-October-2011-Crawling-teething-and-we-hope-sleeping-through

We are the October 2011 Ante Natal Babies (some babies turned up in September and November though too) . I found it invaluable for asking questions even before the baby turned up!

It gets soooooo much better! I found the baby years an absolute grind. Utterly lonely and miserable despite adoring my (very much wanted, very much planned) DS.
I started back at work part time when DS was 5 months which saved my sanity as I knew what I was doing at work when I didn't have a clue at home.
Now, if DS wasn't my actual son, I'd just hang out with him anyway cos he's like my best mate. He's 4.5 btw.
Hang in there. I absolutely promise you it's all worth it.

Btw, everyone told me how well I was doing when DS was small, what a "natural" mother I was etc
They couldn't have been more wrong. The impression I was giving to the outside world was a completely false representation of what was actually going on.
I bet if you have a frank talk with some of friends they'll tell you this too.

I found the first year with DS1 the absolute hardest of all. Having one little baby, who can't speak, for company most of the time is lonely and isolating. It does get better though, as others above have said. Once your DD is walking and talking and interested in things around her and asking questions and more independent it all suddenly seems a lot more worthwhile. That's not to say that it suddenly becomes easy and you never have another day of doubt (I still miss the 'old me' and my old, pre-DC life), just that you learn to balance who you are now with who you were then and make your peace with it a bit.

My first year with DC1 was the hardest thing I have ever done. Unable to cope, yet unable to seek help, it was truly horrible. I had untreated PND- couldn't even get the courage to go to the GP, so you are doing well there for a start!
Obviously there were amazing moments with DC1, and lots of love, but I could not reconcile with being a mother either. I tried to pretend I was OK in public though- so maybe your friends might not have the rosy life they portray? Measuring yourself against others is v hurtful when you feel like this; maybe better to think back on how you are when you are feeling OK, and aim for that, giving yourself space and time, and also giving yourself credit for simultaneously doing the hardest job- creating life, and then nurturing it

I echo what others have said- I hid away with DD for the year, and eventually was FORCED into getting a part time job to survive- and it did me the world of good. At first it was horrendous, I was a nervous sweating incompetent wreck. But it helped me gradually return to my 'normal' self a bit more.

Now I am on DC3, who is 6wks old, so plunged back into another year off work... Too early to judge how I am feeling yet, as this time round I have so much to do with other 2 DC that I am again forced to socialise (school run etc) and leave the house at least twice a day to walk to school, which does help boost my mood. I recommend walking, you dont have to talk to random women in baby groups if you dont feel like it, yet get positive energy boost (yes really!! even if you are weaving about with exhaustion)

My advice would be, to keep this thread, maybe make a copy of it and save to PC or whatever, then when you feel crappy, look back at all the support and similar experiences written about, and take strength from them. I did not have anything like this 5 yrs ago, and it would have been an immense help just to connect with women in this way, gawd aren't they all lovely, I am serious, people receive amazing support on this site for all sorts

Oh, and I echo the "activities" rather than baby groups.
I liked our local baby group, went every week. I saw a couple of groups firm but the majority were "floaters" like me who just talked to anyone who looked friendly / lonely.
But I went to one that was purely cliques and it was horrid, I never went back to that one
My DS loved baby sensory, we also did swimming and tiny talk. Even gave jiggy Wrigglers a go recently. I'd recommend Sensory, Wrigglers and swimming as good fun activities. And if you've signed up, paid in advanced, it'll force you to go (even when you feel like shit)

Completely normal feelings ime and 10 years on I still find some days really hard, NO ONE warns you parenting is so bloody hard!

OP it sounds like you came off anti depressants after a very short time - did you do it with your GP's supervision? I only ask as the mistake people make is coming off them as soon as you feel better when in fact they need to be stable and feeling 'happy' for a good while before even considering it. Just a thought x

Completely normal. I found the first year the hardest and the second hard (tantrums!) but not as bad and now DD is 4 and I love it as she can be reasoned with more and makes up funny jokes. She's also much more independent so I get lots of "me time" even if she's in the house.

These comments helped me a lot. I have felt this way, also, since becoming a mom 3 and 1/2 years ago. Sometimes it is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced in my life, and then at other times it feels completely impossible and exhausting and I fear that I am failing. I haven't heard mothers that I know express these feelings, and I was beginning to think I was one of the only ones to go through this. Even aside from the relentless routine of the baby phase and the ups and downs and tantrums more recently, I have also missed things like my pre-baby body, which, despite a great deal of effort, has not returned (and of course I believe now that it never will, but it's all sort of disappointing), and spending time just relaxing or going out with my husband which we used to do all the time and now is very difficult to do. (We live very far away from our parents, due to jobs?theirs and ours?and so every bit of childcare we get we usually pay for, which does add up, and we work a lot, so a lot of the free time that we get, we try to spend with our daughter.) Having our darling girl has just changed everything. Sometimes I am just so happy and wouldn't trade it for anything, and at others it just really seems so hard. When I hesitantly admitted that the transition had been difficult for me to my SIL this past summer, she implied that I lacked maturity, that I was selfish in a way for feeling this way. I started to think maybe she must have been quite hard on herself as a mother (her daughter is 11). I decided not to let her unkind response get me down. I have decided that being a mom involves learning how to treat yourself gently, how to let things be imperfect, and celebrate the parts that go well. I have learned a lot from having my daughter. And I hope to model for her that being a mother, which she herself may someday be, is not about getting it right all the time, or enjoying every moment, or creating a blissful childhood experience for your kids. It is about giving yourself the same grace and patience with imperfection and mistakes, and the same kudos/praise for the successes, that you want them to grow up to give themselves some day, whether in parenting, in their jobs, or in whatever it is they do.