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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL BIRTHDAY

30 replies

hifi · 13/05/2012 12:21

mil has a landmark birthday,she was having a party but has changed her mind.i think this is becauses i havent offered to organise it .

instead of a gift dh suggested he take her away for 4/5 days.

i have just been discussing dates with her and shes really annoyed shes not going to be away with dh on the actual date of her birthday,it will be a few weeks earlier.

we have arranged to go on holiday with friends and will be away for her actual birthday as she said she wasnt having a party. we havent actually booked the flights yet but its the only week we can all go.

aibu in thinking its not the end of the world shes not away for her actual birthday?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 13/05/2012 12:24

Why doesn't your DH organise her party?

fridayfreedom · 13/05/2012 12:27

As you alraedy have a committment then it would be rude to chnage that now especially as it's the only week you can all go.
It's lovely that you are taking her away for 4/5 days, many mil would not get that opportunity.
Are there any other family members or friends who could take her out for a meal or afternoon tea on her actual birthday?

Original poster

hifi · 13/05/2012 12:27

he couldnt organise a piss up in a brewery.she has another son and daughter but they havent suggested anything.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 13/05/2012 12:30

How about your DH phones his brother and sister and they work it out between them?

I'd have not told her about going away and given her it to open on her birthdays as a surprise, with the trip happening later. Too late for that now but I think it would have got a better response.

Why on earth though would you agree to a holiday when a very close member is having a landmark birthday? For me, if it was my mil, that would me we couldn't go that week.

Original poster

hifi · 13/05/2012 12:33

she has to book time off work so need the dates. as she wasnt having a party and dh was going away with her we didnt feel the need to be here on the actual day.

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 13/05/2012 12:37

Im not sure why you are expected to arrange all this, its your husbands mum, let him sort it out!

rhondajean · 13/05/2012 12:40

But I thought the reason they aren't going on her birthday is because you couldn't make it because you were going away. Or am I missing something? She said she didn't want a party, you arrange to go away, her trip gets fitted in around when you decide suits you?

I love my mil and i am aware not everyone does but I would never ever leave her on her own on a birthday, never ind a big one, regardless of whether she wanted a party or not. I'd be having her for dinner if no one else arranged anything.

And a voucher could be used to book a trip at a time that suits everyone.

Original poster

hifi · 13/05/2012 12:51

to some degree yes it does have to fit around us and dh,i suppose because it wouldnt bother me when the trip was i assumed as long as she was going away she wouldnt mind too much when. she obviously does.

OP posts:

robotcornysilk · 13/05/2012 12:53

she can like it or lump it then

TheHappyHissy · 13/05/2012 13:09

Your MIL sounds a bit 'sulky' YANBU. If she is so offended at the dates, then DH can always re-think and just get her an engraved carriage clock or something..

TheHappyHissy · 13/05/2012 13:12

...OR...

You could buy her a ticket for where YOU are all going on holiday...

Original poster

hifi · 13/05/2012 13:15

did actually think of taking her with us but she likes dh to herself .carrage clock sounds easier

OP posts:

cocolepew · 13/05/2012 13:16

She's acting like a spoilt brat.

mynewpassion · 13/05/2012 13:28

Its a landmark birthday. Will you guys and the rest of her family celebrate it a few days before or after? It just seems mean that you guys couldn't get together for even a small cake and dinner to honor that milestone. It doesn't have to be on the actual date but a couple days before or after should be fine.

PooPooInMyToes · 13/05/2012 13:40

Will she be on her own on her birthday?

2rebecca · 13/05/2012 13:45

I'm sure your husband could get his finger out for his mother's birthday if he lived alone and you weren't acting as his social secretary.
It sounds as though your husband and his sibs should have had a proper discussion with his mother about what they all could do for her birthday and you have got too involved and are the one she has got stroppy with.
If she lives nearby I probably wouldn't have arranged to be elsewhere on the day of her birthday though without husband checking she was OK about that and that someone in her family would be with her on the day.
Her wanting to go away just with your husband for a few days sounds a bit weird, but if you're all happy with that then fine.
Agree that if you had plans for her birthday to be elsewhere I wouldn't have discussed the trip until she had her birthday so it was a surprise. If it's a few weeks after her birthday then that shouldn't matter. If you give her a choice of dates near her birthday she was obviously going to choose to be away for her birthday.

TheHappyHissy · 13/05/2012 14:09

I think MIL sounds like a spoilt toddler; this cancelling the party thing is totally self indulgent and whiney. She sounds rather self absorbed. By the sounds of it she WON'T necessarily be on her own on the Big Day, as she has other children to come and spend time with her.

What is stopping HER throwing a bash to share with her extended family and friends? She sounds like she wants everyone to dance to her tune and to kneel at the Alter of the Almighty MIL and make her feel special.

She needed to be generous of spirit and actively share her day with everyone, or if overwhelmed at the task to have actually ASKED for help from her DC to throw the party.

I think that TBH your DH's siblings needed to have stepped up and sorted this. It's not right that YOU are the default party planner.

Your comment about her preferring to have DH all to herself rather than share it with you and your family too is very telling. THIS would be why she may be on her own on any given 'day'; she makes it HARD to be with her.

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2012 14:21

Okay -

When I next have a landmark birthday, I would appreciate it if the celebrations were organised by my family, not me.
I would be thrilled if it was suggested that some of them would like to take me away for my birthday.

I would be pretty upset if my family booked a holiday so that they were away for that birthday.

I don't think that's because I'm 'spoilt' either.

Original poster

hifi · 13/05/2012 14:24

She is obsessed with dh,when I said do you fancy a trip she did say as long as the kids weren't there.
I am the default party giver as we are seen as loaded. She was organising her party last year ,told me 3days before it would be better if she had it at ours as the weather wasn't great. 19 people turned up,they also brought their own doggy bags for any leftover food and his sister filled a carrier bag full of beer to take home. It's the last time I'm doing it.
Will call sil to see if she's arranged anything,will take her to dinner before we go.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 13/05/2012 15:00

Well it shouldn't be one sibling or his wife to do it. It should be a discussion among the siblings with the MIL. If she has stated that she doesn't want a party and its not one of those I-don't-but-really-I-do, then just organize a family dinner at a nice restaurant and all of you pay for your own meals and split MIL's a few days before or after the big day.

PooPooInMyToes · 13/05/2012 15:13

Nannyogg. Yeah id like that too! (smile)

PooPooInMyToes · 13/05/2012 15:13

Or rather

Gay40 · 13/05/2012 15:17

Big birthday celebrations, like Christmas, are for children.

I wouldn't be organising anything.

Dropdeadfred · 13/05/2012 15:23

I'd tell her you couldn't take her away on her birthday as you already have plans- you wouldn't want her to be away from the rest if her family on the actual day ( that wouldn't be fair!!!) so you have the following dates available - take it orf leave it. And what do you mean she said 'as long as the kids won't be there' I'd not take her anywhere with that attitude

Trills · 13/05/2012 15:31

Anyone who is old enough to read a calendar is old enough to realise that birthday celebrations do not always take place on the actual birthday, but on another date that is more convenient

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