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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit 'discarded' by my friend.

31 replies

GiserableMitt · 13/05/2012 11:22

I am, I know I am, just need a kick up the arse.

I'll try not to make this too long, but also try not to drip feed.

Lovely friend and I both moved overseas to become expats on the same day, but to different countries - didn't know each other then. A year later I moved countries again and we lived close by and were introduced. We have very little in common but became close friends. She is the sort who would do anything for anyone despite having severe health problems, and she's someone I trust.
She moved to a different city, we stayed in touch, and by coincidence we moved to the same city. We saw each other regularly and she introduced me to quite a few people, some I stay in touch with, the rest I'll say hello to or chat with if we bump into each other.
Because she does so much to help other people, I try to help her out when I can to try and give back something to someone so selfless.
Her health got much worse last year and the most I could do was look after her pets while she was in hospital, which was no bother as I have my own pets.
They left to go home later in the year due to her health and them having no medical insurance. Her DH left soon after to take a job overseas (he'd been jobless for a long time) and she settled in well with her sister. We stayed in touch and I was glad she was happy back home.
Before they left they asked me to store some boxes of valuables which they didn't want to leave but couldn't take. They also gave me the keys to all their properties so I could collect bills and make sure they were all fine, no floods etc. I also used to clean their car so it didn't look abandoned and get towed away. I also lied to anyone who asked as she didn't want anyone to know she'd left the country.
They were supposed to meet back here months ago but she wasn't well enough to travel so her DH came alone for a few days and came to mine and collected the boxes and all the keys - no explanation as to why they didn't want me looking after or looking out for them. Fine, no problem. I understand this may not be sinister - maybe they felt they had put me out for long enough (which wasn't the case but you never know what they were thinking).
Since a few months ago I've not heard from her and she stopped responding to my emails, so out of concern i emailed her DH and asked if she was ok as I was worried I hadn't heard from her. He replied to say thanks for asking, she wasn't ok but she didn't want to discuss.
A week ago I noticed his car was missing. Concerned that it had been towed I emailed to say it had gone and I hoped he was aware, but if not I would try and find out what had happened if he wanted me to. I never heard back. A few days ago I saw his car back again, and clean so I'm sure he's here, or has been here.
I know their problems are theirs and they don't have to justify their whereabouts or wellbeing to me but I do care for her immensely and I'm so upset that I don't even know if she's still alive -her health problems were v v serious.

There isn't anything I can do except leave them to it and silently hope for the best, is there? :(

OP posts:
Selks · 13/05/2012 11:27

Difficult one. And a bit odd. It's a shame that the H is not prepared to offer some kind of explanation.

FartBlossom · 13/05/2012 11:30

Do you know where she went to? Have you got her sisters address or phone number? can you get in touch by any other way than e-mail? Have these other friends she introduced you to heard from her?

Seems strange that the partner took all the stuff and you've not heard anything since.

Sorry I can't come up with more practical advice, Im just trying to think of anything.

AgentZigzag · 13/05/2012 11:32

Her DH does seem a bit cagey and evasive, and you're right it's their business what they do, but that doesn't mean you don't have a 'right' to know what's going on with your friend.

You're worried she might not be alive! That's strange in itself, the people around her must know you're a close friend and for them not to let you know how she is would make me wonder WTF as well.

Is there any way you can get in contact with her sister? Anyone else in the family you can email/phone/even facebook?

Original poster
GiserableMitt · 13/05/2012 11:33

I deleted a paragraph because it sounded odd but I'll rewrite it...

My friend is an intensely private person, almost to the point of paranoia. She gives very little away because she seems to think that people are always trying to get something from her, or to get one over her. Some of the things she's said have made my mind boggle and I'm thinking "No, that's not what they mean at all" when she's convinced someone is trying to shaft her.

So, what I'm getting at :) is that she has possibly told him not to tell anyone what's going on with her her and he's just 'following orders' (she wears the trousers!)
Unless of course, it is bad news and he can't bring himself to tell me...?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 13/05/2012 11:37

Is her saying to her DH not to talk to you about her illness a plausible thing for her to do?

If she's too ill to contact you that's understandable, or is it you suspect her DH has got more of a hand in it?

AgentZigzag · 13/05/2012 11:41

X-posts, people do all sorts of unusual things when someone close to them has died, but (and I don't have any experience of this) I would also think it'd be unusual not to tell your DWs close friend that they had died.

Original poster
GiserableMitt · 13/05/2012 11:41

Agent, I would doubt anyone apart from her DH knows my contact details. She did have a to-do list on her fridge with "Give Gis UK contacts" written on it, but she never did. I'm sure her sister knows my name but that would be it.

Out of all the people I've spoken to who we know mutually, only one person knew she'd gone home, and knew even less than me.

Friend had told me they weren't telling anyone they were leaving as they didn't want anyone to know their business, nor for anyone to know that their properties (mostly investment, but a few furnished, and one their main residence) were left unattended so I was surprised when this person asked if they were still home.

I've just looked on FB and her account is deactivated. But..... i've just looked on Skype and it says she (or someone) was last online 3 weeks ago. Unless her DH has her laptop now.
Do you think I should send her a meesage via Skype and hope she gets it sometime, or is that too invasive if it's her DH who has it, and he's already told me she doesn't want to discuss her situation, and he's ignored my lst email?

OP posts:
Original poster
GiserableMitt · 13/05/2012 11:43

IF she's died (and it makes me feel sick to even think that could be the case), he's here, or been here, which suggests that it may not be THAT recent (so surely he could email me at least?)

OP posts:
LadySybilDeChocolate · 13/05/2012 11:46

Have you tried googling her name? If she has, sadly, passed away then there would be notices to family etc. Sad Her husband sounds controlling to be honest. He should understand that you're concerned about her.

FartBlossom · 13/05/2012 11:48

She obviously trusted you to look after he belongings for a period of time so even though she may be worried about being taken advantage of and being very private I still find it very wierd you dont know any more about her current situation.

I can understand why you feel discarded, but Im not really sure what you can do. If she wont reply to you what more can you do. Its all very sad.

NotGeoffVader · 13/05/2012 11:50

What a difficult situation to find yourself in. Short of either writing to her, or turning up at the door, I don't think there is very much more you can do, unfortunately.
Sad

Original poster
GiserableMitt · 13/05/2012 11:56

Nothing recent came up on Google.

Her DH is the opposite of controlling, she's the controlling one and if she says not to tell anyone, there's no way he'd tell anyone. Although, if it was bad news I guess he could do what he wanted, and I hope he would tell me (I would also hope he would know that I care what's happening!). He'd be completely lost without her though.

I can't figure it out. All their boxes were sealed when they came to us, and that's how they left here. She was even talking about giving me power of attorney so if they sold any of their properties I could handle the sale from here.
I just assume that she's taken a serious turn for the worst and can't bear to tell anyone outside of her sister and her DH :(

I am thinking of sending a message via skype just to say I've been thinking of her - I guess I have nothing to lose now. If someone else sees the message maybe they'll let me know what's going on.

OP posts:
olibeansmummy · 13/05/2012 11:59

It's very odd, but try not to take it personally, there's obviously something going on that they/ he don't want anyone to know about, not just you :(

TheMonster · 13/05/2012 12:07

What a strange situation. I would be worried and hurt too. Do send a message via Skype. You have nothing to lose and it might give you the answer you need.

claudedebussy · 13/05/2012 12:39

i agree - don't take it personally. very, very hurtful though.

i would write to her one last time - say that - and put your heart on the line. if you never hear from her again at least you'll have made your peace.

if you don't, you'll never know and it'll be unresolved.

claudedebussy · 13/05/2012 12:40

also, i wouldn't skype, i'd email.

if she doesn't log onto skype again, she won't get it. with email, people are more likely to check.

HildaOgden · 13/05/2012 12:50

Do you have her sisters address?I'd contact her,you have nothing to lose.

I personally don't think she has passed,the husband would have told you that.It's all very odd indeed...maybe there was a reason she was so paranoid?Shady dealings going on?It could be,now that she has no need for you to take care of stuff for her,that she has decided to just cut ties with you.Its a cynical point of view but one that you should consider.

You also mention that she originally introduced you to a lot of people,maybe contact some of them to see if they have heard anything?

Heyyyho · 13/05/2012 12:51

How odd, are there really no mutual friends who may know more?

I would be upset, it's understandable!

JustFab · 13/05/2012 13:10

I would send a card saying you miss her and your lovely chats/insert occupation of choice and that you hope all is well and you hope to hear from her one day.

Gets your point across without pressuring her.

Original poster
GiserableMitt · 13/05/2012 13:18

I don't have her sister's address, I think I know her first name but that's it.

There's one person who may know and I'll contact her, but I doubt anyone else has a clue. Most people thought they were still here but keeping themselves to themselves (my friend would often go long periods without going out) so no-one would think too much of it. The odd person has asked if I still see her, am still on touch, if they're still here. I just say I haven't seen or heard from her for ages and leave it at that.

Hilda, I do wonder if there's something I don't know but I never had her down as the shady sort. Who knows.

OP posts:
mirry2 · 13/05/2012 13:24

If she is seriously ill, and I mean terminally, maybe she just doesn't want anybody to know.

Original poster
GiserableMitt · 13/05/2012 13:29

That's what I wondered mirry, and she has the right to that privacy, I know that and respect that.
Doesn't stop me feeling very sad that I have a very good friend and I don't even know how she is.

OP posts:
BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 13/05/2012 13:39

What a very sad, sad situation.

Honestly, it doesn't sound as though there's much left that you can do.

mirry2 · 13/05/2012 14:02

I once had a friend who appeared to have 'dropped' me and i was very angry with her because of it and nearly told her so when i bumped into her at the supermarket. She died about a year or so later and I found out she had been terminally ill but didn't want anyone to know and had cut off ties with everyone she knew. I'm so glad I didn't let rip at her.

Original poster
GiserableMitt · 13/05/2012 14:29

I'm not angry with her mirry, just very sad that I can't be part of her life.

I guess you must be so relieved you kept your thoughts to yourself.

This is the kind of thing I can imagine her doing if she was terminally ill.

OP posts:
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