to be cross about DH's constant excessive spending?

[BellaBahBooBoo]

Am I being unreasonable to be cross and upset about this?

About 3 years ago my DH ran up a large amount of credit card debt, it was around 5k. The minimum payments were taking us into our overdraft every month and so we were in debt with that too. We ended up doing a consolidation loan through our bank and have got sorted and been ok financially since then.

Then a few month ago a credit card statement came addressed to DH which I opened and saw he had run up yet another credit card debt, this time of around £2k. He has always been very vague about it and has never as such told me how it was run up, although he is happy enough every month to have the minimum payment for it coming out of our joint account! He has an expensive hobby so I'm assuming he ran the bill up paying for equipment for it and doing the hobby itself.

Everything has been fine since then financially, however I have just this moment looked at our online banking and seen that the past month he has been taking up to £50 out in cash from our bank account every 4 or 5 days. He has also transferred money over from our savings account to the current account, without telling me, presumably so I won't notice the shortfall of money, although our account is far lower than I would expect it to be at this time of the month, as we still have just under 2 weeks to go until DH's payday. He is currently away with work and won't be back until Tuesday so I can't discuss it with him until then. I then checked our account out of which all our bills come (mortgage, insurances, that kind of thing) as we have a standing order going in to there once a month to keep it all separate and organised and that is overdrawn to the max, so he has been dipping into there too.

I really don't feel like he's doing anything sinister with the money, I think he is just bad with money, but he'll never discuss it with me. He seems to take care of his needs first, ie buying anything he wants, before considering if there is enough left for our DCs and I. He also won't budget or compromise, for example he won't take a packed lunch to work when he's not working away and will spend up to £10 on lunch per day. He has a rather expensive hobby as I mentioned before, very much a keeping up with the Jones' type hobby. If he wants something he buys it.

I am the opposite and am careful with money, but then I feel I get walked over and go without. I am a SAHM as our youngest child is 2, but I have my own account into which maintenance for my eldest child and child benefit is paid and I use this for all child related expenses and I still have managed to save a fair bit of money in it over the past 2 years. The only thing is, he thinks he can spend whatever we have in the joint account as he pleases and then starts wanting to spend the money I've saved up, which thankfully he has no access to.

I just do not know what to do about his spending. He won't rein himself in. I am planning on going back to work at some point in the next couple of years, it's very difficult though as DH works away a lot and works long hours, and I wouldn't earn enough to cover childcare for all our DCs if I worked now. I would like a bit of financial independence though. He doesn't restrict my spending but I just would not spend money that isn't there, I'm not like that and I prefer to save for things but he will never save for things he just buys them. If we save, he finds a use for the money whenever we have £1k or so built up in there. And if I get any money for myself, for example for Christmas, he tries to get me to spend it on things we need rather than on myself.

I'm a SAHM, and DH is the breadwinner. We have a joint accout, and everything is shared equally. We both consult each other about spending money, and both know exactly where we are financially. We don't keep any secrets from each other about spending, ever. This all adds up to RESPECT in my book, and I couldn't live any other way.

I hope you can get this sorted, as it must feel very unnerving.
I have to say though, OP, your Parents clothing your children all the time is a bit weird imo. It should be you and your DH providing for your children, not your parents (no matter how well off they are). I'm wondering if your DH is thinking you both have your parents to bail you out if things go pear shaped?

Oh, and £10 a day for lunch, when you're in debt???? seriously?

balia, maintenance is the child's money? Seriously? I consider any maintenance I get for my eldest child to be part of the family money, not my child's money. As I said before, maintenance isn't just for frivolous expenses but the regular day to day expenses of raising a child. I have only ever received the bare minimum of maintenance for my eldest child, my husband and I have probably spent ten times more the amount on my DD than I have received from my ex. Many exes are on a very good deal, it would cost my ex a LOT more to raise his child if she lived with him. And as I said before, I very much resent the suggestion that this money should be used for university costs when we use it for day to day living expenses for DD. I have two other children from my new marriage and it's unfair on them if DD has a pot of money for uni that they don't have.

Stop your parents paying for the DC'sclothes & shoes, that needs to be paid from the main joint account. When you save don't put the money in an account he can see or access, even if you have to open a new account. Could you get the main account changed to 2 signatures, for the short term until you decide what to do. I say you because he won't change anything. You need to look after yourself and DCs until and unless he decides to sort out his problems.

Cut up his debit card and give him a fixed weekly amount to spend. You need to take control and he needs to grow up.

This is why I have never put myself into a position where I rely on anyone (DH or parents) for money. There has to be total trust that others will provide for you. If you can't have that trust, it doesn't work.

Agreed it is financial abuse. He is treating the family's money as his own pocket money, and is showing disrespect to you by opening credit cards and spending large amounts of money on them, then stealing family money to pay for it.

But I can see how you get caught up in it, my XH did the same - bought himself pricey electronic toys as and when he felt like it, hot lunches out at least once a day (whether I made packed lunches or not), snacks on the way home, ridiculously large quantities of booze on himself and "friends", holidays abroad, courses at universities. And I "let him". Well, he was so emotionally abusive in other ways, that this was the least of my worries. I was so trodden on at the same time, that he got angry if I got my hair cut (every 6 months), I didn't buy clothes for me for over 5 years...etc.

The sheer relief at walking out of the relationship (with zero anything) made me realise how abusive he had been with money. I cried with shock when I first got child tax credits, as this was more money I had had in my own name, well ever, and it felt so good.

I was young, naive and stupid, when I started earning a good salary, put everything into joint accounts and savings, and was not in any way independent with money, then as a SAHM lost any say or respect. He spent all our savings (10s of 1000s), refused to let me buy a home even though my parents offered to help out, racked up credit card debt (many 10s of 1000s) on toys and drink. My only saving grace is that credit cards cannot be joint, so the person that opened them owns the debt, otherwise I would be bankrupt now. And I am well educated, competent, and ridiculously naive. I will be giving my children some sensible life lessons before they leave home!

I am not in any way saying leave him, but get it under control now, it can get so much worse. What are you otherwise going to do, wait until he takes money from your parents/ you inherit and he blows it all. He is not being kind to you, he is being selfish and is on the financially abusive side of the spectrum, and for goodness sake take control!!

Maybe in the back of his mind is your parents money , aside from paying for your DC clothes and shoes which I find odd irrespective of their wealth, have they ever bailed you out ?

Personally I could not tolerate all that deceit and selfishness over money and YANBU in the least to be furious

Really does sound like gambling please please do something about this, family went from an £80k mortgage to zero equity from a house that sold for £250k not to mention his annual earnings of probably £40k

Same thing, cash earned not coming home, loads of credit cards taken out behind the spouse back - it was just endless, postman met at the end of the road so deceitful and they had already bailed themselves out of debt previously and were paying stuff back and he did it all again.

He doesn't understand why she left, clearly she must have had an affair!!!!

I'm sorry but £10 a day for lunch a day is not a huge amount in London when you're working. I like nice food and I spend about that and sometimes even £20.

I am not rich but no debts.