Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to not ask dh to wear ear plugs in bed

41 replies

MrTumblesCrackWhore · 11/05/2012 22:29

dh and I don't sleep well. We have 2 dcs under the age of 3. Dh works full time in a fairly stressful job. I'm on mat leave and have one 'challenging' toddler to deal with as well as a young baby all day every day.

Dh is a good father in most respects but clearly expects me to respond to the majority of night wakings/v early mornings - he puts in ear plugs every night now. When I complained, he said it's because I snore and he finds it impossible to get to sleep, and that he can still hear if our dcs cry. However, judging by the amount of times he gets up with the dcs, he does not hear them very often. I find it incredibly hard to dig my heels in and not get up because I always think why should the dcs suffer just because dh can't get up. I've elbowed him a few times to tell him it's his turn - he does get up but always seems really arsey, and I get 'payback' by him saying later in the day that he has to go and have a nap because he was woken too early etc.

I need some strategies to kick him into touch.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 11/05/2012 22:31

Why don't you do night times during the week because of his job and you guys can split with him doing more at the weekends?

AnyoneforTurps · 11/05/2012 23:00

Well YANBU if he uses ear plugs every night, but YABU if you don't want him to use them at all. If you're not BF, why don't you agree with him that you'll take it in turns to get up in the night? Not much point in both of you having a bad night, every night.

Bumdrop · 11/05/2012 23:02

When I was on mat leave, I did all the night feeds, settling etc during the week, DP did the early morning once at weekends to give me a lie in, I did same for him one day of the wkend,
Now I'm back at work we share it.
Works for us.

greyhairsahead · 11/05/2012 23:08

I wear ear plugs every night as I'm a really light sleeper. It means that the background noise, and DS's general snuffling, is muffled enough for me to sleep, but has never stopped me from hearing him when he wakes in the night. DH, OTOH, doesn't wear earplugs, and sleeps through everything unless I whack him!

You need to sit down and work out a fair division of labour for nighttimes as you're clearly not happy. Good luck

5318008 · 11/05/2012 23:10

um if you are snoring badly you ought to get checked out by GP; snoring can be indicative of some pretty serious health probs

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/05/2012 23:17

You have to divide this stuff up more fairly. In our house, when I was on mat leave, I did all the nights (BF baby) and he did all the early (5am) mornings. Now I'm at work, I still do all the nights but of course DD is not as restless at night except this week with a cold and I am exhausted. He still does the early mornings, which are less early (I count night until about 5.30am). On the weekend, DD goes with him for the first hour, then I take her and DH goes back to bed for an hour or two.

TidyDancer · 11/05/2012 23:26

I think this depends on what he does at weekends/days off. During ML, I did all the night wakings with both DCs, and DP did his fair share at weekends. Now I'm back at work, we share roughly 50/50.

fluffypillow · 11/05/2012 23:39

I've always got up to my 3 children at night. DH would sleep through an earthquake (even without ear plugs!). I've always bf though, so no point in us both being awake.

DH does his fair share during the day, so I don't mind doing the night shift. He lets me have a lie in at the weekends if he's not working..........it's bliss!!!

To be fair on your DH, you say he has a stressful job, so maybe it's only right that you do the nightshifts while on Mat leave?

Rosebud05 · 11/05/2012 23:41

You need to decide in advance each night whose turn it is to get up in the night and early morning. It will depend on how often you are woken etc.

Our dc1 slept pretty well from 6 months, so I used to get up with her in the night as being woken once wasn't too bad, then take getting up in the morning in turns.

Dc2 was a shocking sleeper and there was no way I could do all the night wakings for months and then look after both of them during the day, so DH had to do some (albeit begrudgingly).

Rosebud05 · 11/05/2012 23:43

I seem to remember that we had an agreement that every other night I'd sleep downstairs from the first time that dc2 woke up, so that I could at least get 3 or 4 hours consecutive sleep.

bobbledunk · 11/05/2012 23:55

Sort your snoring out and he won't be able to use that as an excuse, I couldn't sleep in the same room as a snorer no matter how tired I was, it would keep me awake all night. Why should he go on zero sleep just so you can feel better? Will you be happy when he loses his 'stressful' job because he has been up listening to you snore all night and dealing with the kids? You should do night duty while you're on maternity leave, that's what it's for.

Rosebud05 · 12/05/2012 10:57

That's a lovely, supportive post bobbledunk, I'm sure that's exactly the type of thing that will make OP feel better about herself whilst being exhausted and looking after 2 young children. Nice one.

Maybe if you could 'just sort snoring out', OP would have already done that, do you think?

I'm a bit surprised at the 'you should always be the one to get up because you're on maternity leave' posts, tbh. The situation OP describes sounds like being woken up several times a night and the day often starting very early. One parent works in a stressful, demanding job and the other parent looks after 2 young children which is also very stressful and demanding.

It seems manifestly unfair that one person in this arrangement should always have a decent amount of unbroken sleep and the other person always get up in the night and early in the morning.

Some sort of 'you do the night and I'll get up in the morning' arrangement agreed in advance to avoid middle of the nights hisses, nudges and resentments are the way forward. No-one can function on continual broken sleep, whether they're doing paid or unpaid work.

Herrena · 12/05/2012 11:05

We FF our DS and so it was more possible to take turns at night, but even so we had a system where I'd do the first waking (around 1am), DH would do next one (usually around 4am) and I'd do 7am. That way DH did help out but he stood a chance of getting a good chunk of sleep afterwards.

OP my DH does listen to the radio (on headphones) in order to drift off to sleep and TBH I find it a little upsetting, because I feel like we're in bed together but I'm alone IYSWIM. That might just be me, but I was wondering if your DH's use of earplugs upsets you in the same way and if that might be contributing to your sense of annoyance.

Even so I think I'd be annoyed too, if DH wasn't helping at night at all (or acted all arsey if he did)!!

Does your toddler wake often? Could you maybe have a system where you tend to young baby and he looks after toddler? Then you might stand a chance of getting some sleep...

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 12/05/2012 11:08

When I was on ML I did most of the night wakings. Now DH is a SAHD I do most of the night wakings.
It sounds bad, doesn't it? Actually, it makes sense for us. He is a heavy sleeper, so for him to wake to either the baby or the toddler, I have to wake up and try quite hard to wake him. By which point I'm fully awake, and the child is frantic. If I just go, I can get baby fed or toddler settled and go back to sleep without too much hassle.
Having said that, very little sleep over a long period of time is awful, for the SAHP or the working parent. Do your children sleep badly? Could we help on that side of things a little perhaps?

tinkertitonk · 12/05/2012 11:09

Rosebud, the OP wasn't asking for support, she was asking whether she was being unreasonable. And Bobbledunk gave her view, as asked. Which I share, FWIW. One of them has "a fairly stressful" job, the other is on mat leave. Their positions are not the same.

Ithinkitsjustme · 12/05/2012 11:09

I think that during the week he needs to get some sleep, so maybe ask him to not use them on the weekend, or possibly not to use them until after a certain time. I used to snore (apparently! and would get upset if my DH started the night in another room, or with earplugs. If, however, he couldn't get to sleep or got woken up then I thought it was reasonable for him to take action.

fuzzpig · 12/05/2012 11:14

agree you do need to see a GP about the snoring. it isn't always just an annoying 'habit' - as 5 said it can indicate something serious. Sleep apnoea can kill - you don't get enough oxygen. My dad was diagnosed with this a few years ago.

I know it is really embarrassing but it's nothing they won't have seen before. I delayed going for ages when my snoring got worse, I was embarrassed and scared I have SA too, but he prescribed a steroid spray to shrink some polyps in my nose - it totally works and it is so easy. So either way it's well worth getting checked out. Snoring does not have to be put up with.

Anyway, that obviously doesn't solve the rest of the problem, but at least if you both get a bit more sleep it might help!

fuzzpig · 12/05/2012 11:16

rosebud, fair enough if the OP has tried to sort snoring out, but she doesn't mention that she's tried, and lots of people just 'put up with it' for decades when they only need a trip to the GP.

everlong · 12/05/2012 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lumbago · 12/05/2012 11:20

I LOVE ear plugs. Even use when alone. Got new weird ones that are like gelly

everlong · 12/05/2012 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lumbago · 12/05/2012 11:24

Yes. The gel ones are vile looking as your hair gets caught in them

Mmmm. Sex

everlong · 12/05/2012 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milkysmum · 12/05/2012 11:27

I'm on mat leave with a 7 month old and a 3 year old. DH has never done night feeds! by the time he heard them and managed to drag himselk out of bed i could have been up, fed baby and be back in bed again!

BlackholesAndRevelations · 12/05/2012 11:30

I must admit mine never gets up in the night either, but he works very hard (physical, long hours) and I'm on mat leave. I just don't expect him to get up and in fact I make sure I get to the kids quickly so as not to wake him. At the weekends he gets up sometimes, but only for the toddler as I'm bf. Actually when my son was younger, tiddler went through bad sleep phase so OH got up a lot more.

He does sometimes give me longer in bed at the weekend, but he doesn't even get every weekend off. Usually we all get up together after spending some time lying in our bed with the kids. Works for us!

When I go back to work I'm hoping we share more equally! It does surprise me when some of my friends on mat leave still expect their partners to get up in the night/cook dinner every evening etc. I'm far from a doormat but j just think all that is my job whilst on mat leave.

Flip

1 2