to not ask dh to wear ear plugs in bed

[MrTumblesCrackWhore]

dh and I don't sleep well. We have 2 dcs under the age of 3. Dh works full time in a fairly stressful job. I'm on mat leave and have one 'challenging' toddler to deal with as well as a young baby all day every day.

Dh is a good father in most respects but clearly expects me to respond to the majority of night wakings/v early mornings - he puts in ear plugs every night now. When I complained, he said it's because I snore and he finds it impossible to get to sleep, and that he can still hear if our dcs cry. However, judging by the amount of times he gets up with the dcs, he does not hear them very often. I find it incredibly hard to dig my heels in and not get up because I always think why should the dcs suffer just because dh can't get up. I've elbowed him a few times to tell him it's his turn - he does get up but always seems really arsey, and I get 'payback' by him saying later in the day that he has to go and have a nap because he was woken too early etc.

I need some strategies to kick him into touch.

PS you are being a bit U.

OK, so judging by many of the comments, IAB abit U. However, I think it's what the ear plugs actually symbolise - the 'sod you, I'm switching off' kind of attitude - I suppose that is what needs to be addressed.

Regarding the snoring, it's not that bad (dh has admitted this and I don't do it all the time) and I do take the spray stuff for it.

I am going back to my (professional, stressful) job soon and FWIW I think it will be actually less stressful than what I'm doing now.

i dont see why you are cross.

you are off work
hes at work
toddlers is hard but come on..

MrTumbles - I also found my professional, stressful job much less stressful and demanding than being at home when my children were as young as yours.

everlong, maybe OP also needs sleep to be able to function in her job of looking after young children? Being hideously ratty with young children is horrendous - I found being at work much easier when I was severely sleep deprived because I could go to the loo by myself, drink a cup of tea whist it was hot not worrying where I put it down and generally think a whole thought without it being interrupted.

No idea whilst OP is being given such a hard time on this thread - maybe because it's AIBU.

OP maybe post in sleep if you would like more support and advice than a general "you're at home slacking during the day so of course you should put up with broken sleep every night and by the way why haven't you found time to go to the GPs about your occasional light snoring with 2 young children in tow you're on mat leave FFS, you're can really kick back".

God no-one thinks maternity leave is "slacking"- hell no! I've found this year really really hard (2.5 yo and 7 mo). I just think it's my job AT THE MOMENT to get up in the night (I hope he steps up a bit when I do go back!)

I dont think anyone said the op was at home slacking all day, people were just pointing out that if you are on maternity leave it generally seems reasonable for op to do the night time feeds during the week and her DH does it at weekends.

And personally, I found that whilst it was nice to be back at work, it certainley wasn't less stressful than maternity leave, when you consider you have to drop DCs at child minders, get to work on time, do a full days work, pick up DCs and then do whatever DH and I had to do at home, dinner, ironing, washing, packed lunch, tidying up etc.

But that's just my opinion FWIW.

Thanks rosebud

Whatever anyone else thinks, I know I'm not slacking :o

Just to clarify. I always do the night shifts during the week. I just feel dh should be a bit more proactive at the weekends, rather than skulk in be

That makes sense, after all, if you are doing all the nights during the week, it's only fair your DH takes his earplugs out at the weekend.

Do you think things will change when you go back to work, do you think he will do a more equal share.

We do:

Weekdays - I do nights, DH gets DD up with him at 6.30 for milk and puts her back to bed, he goes to work and I get up whenever DD wakes (usually 8am).

Weekends - DH does nights, I do the 6.30am feed and put DD back down and go back to bed myself. One morning one of us gets up with her at 8am and the other has a lie in and the other day we swap the 8am bit.

Works really well for us.

And, if DH goes for a random afternoon nap in the day, why don't you? Wait til he gets up, or head him off at the pass. Even if you don't sleep, pretend!

And on the nights where He is on duty and you arent, YOU put the plugs in not him

Dh is a really good dad, he means to get up but takes a much more relaxed attitude to getting up with the dcs, whereas I know that if they are left to cry for a bit, yes, it won't kill them, but the fallout will be greater than if I just got up with them straightaway, and by the time he takes to get up with them, I'm wide awake.

When I went back to work last time after mat leave, it took a good few weeks for him to get into a routine that worked for all of us (ie, he got up with ds while I got ready - I have to leave the house much earlier than dh - and he grabbed a shower and got ready when our nanny (live out) arrived)

Hopefully when I go back to work the night wakings will not be so much of an issue (dd2 is sleeping much longer stretches at nights now, and ds1's phase of having nightmares seems to come and go) and dh will need to get up when I do as dd2 wakes up around the same time as I'll need to get ready for work.

Gnocchi good plan!

I think you've had a bit of a hard time here OP. I sympathise. DP used to do this and it drove me mad. He always said "you can wake me up if you need me" but I felt that was passing the buck & giving all the responsibility to me (not only waking up, but always having to decide who got up etc) DP was also grumpy if i asked him to get up & like you, it also meant I was wide awake regardless so would usually end up going to DS as 'I might as well'

What helped us was (as ever!) talking about it. He finds it really hard to get back to sleep after being woken whereas I usually drop off quickly, plus he can't nap during the day whereas I can so we agreed i'd do the night wakings, he'd get DS up for the day (any time after 6am counted as 'up') and he'd take DS if I needed to nap during the day (we're lucky that he works from home) After we'd agreed that the earplugs disappeared.

Now that I'm back at work we're having to readdress it, but so fOar the bloody earplugs haven't reemerged.

It's totally fair to negotiate based on your various needs for your jobs (and yes, caring for your children is a job) and your health. Then whatever you decide together gets reviewed to see if it's working.

I do all the waking for the bf baby and when not shattered, dh deals with toddler nightmares. They happened a lot at the same time for a while so it wasn't possible for me to do it all. Then I did it all but became so exhausted it exacerbated my pnd and I'd crash at weekends. So then he did a lot and got poorly. We just have to keep talking honestly and constantly about how we are coping. It really helps that I had a more stressful job than his before kids and that he's done enough full days on his own with the kids to appreciate it isn't easy - in fact he's sure it's harder than getting out to the workplace however stressful! So we try to be kind to each other ( and moan elsewhere to vent!).

Does your dp get why you need to be rested for your job?

So, do you have a nanny now that you are on ML?