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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU or "really aggressive"

40 replies

Bathsheba · 11/05/2012 22:08

I've had a horrible week. My Aunt died very suddenly last Saturday morning. I've done around 1000 miles this week going to another bit of the country (Scotland) and back to take my mum to be with her sister, and then yesterday going to a 2 centre funeral with my entire family.

DH (who before you ask had absolutely no reaction to my Aunt's death - he decided years ago to have nothing to do with my fundamental Christian family and when I told him my Aunt had died his biggest concern was that if I was taking the car for the day could I nip to the bank for him first...he is very definately ASD)

Anyway all this week he has been flumping and mumping around the house as he is "tired" and "not sleeping well". He has moaned, he has lain in. He has given me no support or help at all. He has also gone to bed past midnight every night.

Tonight he spent half an hour lying on the sofa like he had been thrown, complete with laptop and iPad...he fell asleep 4 times during 1 half hour programme. I told him "for pity's sake, just go to bed".

Initially I was warned for "shouting" at him until I pointed out that I hadn't shouted. Then it was changed to "being really aggressive".

Frankly in my world at the moment, strangling him would be nowhere on the 'justified aggression" scale... Simply telling him firmly to go to bed was nothing to what is actually justified.

Please tell me to throttle him.

OP posts:
finnbarr · 11/05/2012 22:09

Throttle him
Grin

shrinkingnora · 11/05/2012 22:09
finnbarr · 11/05/2012 22:10

Sorry for
Your loss hun and sorry youve ha such a rubbish week xx
Take yourself off for a bath and a long soak...and lock the door!

Bumblefeck · 11/05/2012 22:10

YANBU

Arsehole

Frontpaw · 11/05/2012 22:11

You'd get a row for throttling him.

Just clean the loo rim with his toothbrush.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 11/05/2012 22:11

Throttle him, seriously, if you don't i will

cutegorilla · 11/05/2012 22:11

Throttling definitely in order.

Catsmamma · 11/05/2012 22:11

leave him there to get a cricked neck and take the bed yourself, open the window on the way out so he gets cold too!

oh and leave the bastard! Sorry for your shitty week though. x

Bumblefeck · 11/05/2012 22:11

He's the arsehole...not you obviously :o

Original poster
Bathsheba · 11/05/2012 22:11

Oh, for the record I have asked him throughout the week if there is anything specific wrong - he has a big history pc work stress - but as of this morning his answer was "no, nothing specific" so I told him to get back with the program and be an effective family member ( we had 3 DDs aged 8, 5 and 2)

OP posts:
NonAstemia · 11/05/2012 22:11

He's being an absolute arse. Pick up a pillow, pretend it's him, and beat the shit out of it - do this in front of him for maximum effect. Wink

i'm sorry about your aunt.

pictish · 11/05/2012 22:12

Ok - I think he's a self indulgent toad...BUT you did snap over something small. If I drift off on the sofa I get left alone.
I think righteous resentment is beginning to overflow and you are finding yourself grinding your teeth at the wee things.

AgentZigzag · 11/05/2012 22:12

Unless there's something he's not told you/you've not put in the OP, it sounds like he's attention seeking.

It is very 'You're attention is elsewhere and look at how helpless I am, I need you toooooo '.

If I'm even half right, you'd be quite within your rights to throttle him.

Original poster
Bathsheba · 11/05/2012 22:14

Oh another addition to the story - I now have enough wine and chocolate and crap telly to drink myself to sickness which is frankly my intention

OP posts:
madmouse · 11/05/2012 22:19

I'm with AgentZigZag

Original poster
Bathsheba · 11/05/2012 22:23

I absolutely can't think of anything I've not told you . He has no idea at all of 'emotional support' but then as I've said he is ASD. I asked him specifically this morning if there was anything wrong and was told no. I was the one up during the night for DD3 - his claim that he 'doesn't sleep at all ' for nights on end is dispelled by his lack of ever hearing his children and constant snoring

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 11/05/2012 22:29

The drip feeding bit of my post was only a disclaimer for basing what I said on your OP and not a dig at you or anything Smile

Could his behaviour be a way of expressing himself because of his ASD?

I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with seeking attention, sometimes you need a bit more than at other times, it's just it doesn't always come out in appropriate ways or times sometimes.

Could you being absent have made him feel a bit vulnerable?

ScrambledSmegs · 11/05/2012 22:31

Kill him.

Original poster
Bathsheba · 11/05/2012 22:39

Last Saturday he was supposed to have the girls all day ( I was supposed to be going to Dancing on Ice with my best mate, instead I ended up going to my Aunt's with my mum) - I was out of the house for the same amount of time.

Yesterday was funeral day. I took the 2 eldest out of school and we all went. We arrived home 2 hours after he would have arrived home from work.

Literally this week he has missed 2 HOURS of attention - and for those 2 hours he had time in the house alone (my dream). Tomorrow he is going to the pub and the football.

If he is craving attention then that frankly makes me wasn't to kill him more as he has literally missed out on nothing this week ( other than £130 in petrol)

OP posts:
laurenamium · 11/05/2012 22:40

Grin at frontpaw

Go have a nice long soak in the bath, then "air dry" on his side of the bed whilst reading a book...when he comes to bed he will have a cold wet pillow Wink

AgentZigzag · 11/05/2012 22:58

What's his behaviour this past week like compared to his normal behaviour?

If he's done it before/regularly, what was the reason for it? (like maybe because something was genuinely stressing him out and he wanted to tell you, but didn't know how?)

I don't know how ASD might have an affect on the situation. Someone without ASD I'd say it'd be unreasonable to dump on your DP at a time when you know they're already stressed. You'd keep it to yourself unless it was an emergency because you love them and how they feel would mean more than how shitty you felt.

But if ASD might affect the way his thought process would fire, it wouldn't necessarily be as inconsiderate as someone without it IYSWIM?

Original poster
Bathsheba · 11/05/2012 23:17

Hi Pictish - he/we often fall asleep on the sofa - I did it at 1:40 pm the other day having a cuddle with DD3...but honestly this was 4 times in 30 minutes..!! I'd be having a conversation about the program we were watching and suddenly...no answer. I unplugged the iPad to use the cable, got snapped at "that was synching...it isn't now"....then snore snore...literally 4 times in a 30 minute period.

Either fall asleep. Or go to bed. This was falling asleep but being up, but falling asleep but watching tv... But falling asleep but synching the iPad.

I'm all for multi tasking but if you ate THAT tired then go to ruddy bed rather than asleep/snort/snore/awake/grump:asleep/snore

OP posts:
Tranquilidade · 11/05/2012 23:19

I tell my DH that it's not aggressive unless shouted in scouse and contains at least 3 F words!

needsavino · 11/05/2012 23:23

Are you sure that you haven't got my dh there? It sounds very familiar. BTW he is being arse x

Original poster
Bathsheba · 11/05/2012 23:27

Ah, see, DH is a little flumpity marshmallow kitten of an angel's dream whereby anything he doesn't want to hear is 'shouting" or "aggressive". He spent the worst 3 years of my life obsessed with the 'tone' of every. Word. I. Said. ....and according to him, diagnosed with clinical paranoid, it was always 'snappy' or 'horrible.

Every
Word
I
Said

OP posts: