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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU or "really aggressive"

40 replies

Bathsheba · 11/05/2012 22:08

I've had a horrible week. My Aunt died very suddenly last Saturday morning. I've done around 1000 miles this week going to another bit of the country (Scotland) and back to take my mum to be with her sister, and then yesterday going to a 2 centre funeral with my entire family.

DH (who before you ask had absolutely no reaction to my Aunt's death - he decided years ago to have nothing to do with my fundamental Christian family and when I told him my Aunt had died his biggest concern was that if I was taking the car for the day could I nip to the bank for him first...he is very definately ASD)

Anyway all this week he has been flumping and mumping around the house as he is "tired" and "not sleeping well". He has moaned, he has lain in. He has given me no support or help at all. He has also gone to bed past midnight every night.

Tonight he spent half an hour lying on the sofa like he had been thrown, complete with laptop and iPad...he fell asleep 4 times during 1 half hour programme. I told him "for pity's sake, just go to bed".

Initially I was warned for "shouting" at him until I pointed out that I hadn't shouted. Then it was changed to "being really aggressive".

Frankly in my world at the moment, strangling him would be nowhere on the 'justified aggression" scale... Simply telling him firmly to go to bed was nothing to what is actually justified.

Please tell me to throttle him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bathsheba · 11/05/2012 23:28

Oh Needsavino - I so hope I have yours so I can send him back..!!!!

OP posts:

needsavino · 11/05/2012 23:31

Would you mind keeping him for the weekend-the peace would be lovely x

FallenCaryatid · 11/05/2012 23:31

I am sorry that this has been such a stressful and difficult week for you.

You say he has ASD. Does he have a diagnosis?
How much about ASDs do you actually know and understand? Because shouting is an ineffective method of communication. Does he usually become more annoying to you and less aware of your feelings when you are stressed?
If he can't read your feelings and emotions, and you haven't told him exactly what sort of response you need in a calm voice, all he'll be hearing is the noise and the volume. If you are under stress and behaving atypically, then his general whinging and insensitivity could well be a response to that. He doesn't know how to deal with your feelings and so any spectrum-type behaviour will increase as he gets more stressed.
If you love him and want the relationship to improve, you need to tell him calmly exactly what you want and why. tell him to do stuff, tell him that you loved your aunt and are sad and that you need him to do XYZ to help you cope.
Yes it's a PITA.
But it's probably what he needs to know how to process what's happening, and what to do about it. You can yell and scream and strangle him if you like, but it won't change his behaviour because he won't get what's got you so angry.

FallenCaryatid · 11/05/2012 23:33

When I am very angry with my DS, or my DH, I have to talk in a very level and calm voice and be very specific about exactly what has gone wrong and what I want them to understand. DS gets angry and shouts back if things get shouty.
DH just walks away.

FallenCaryatid · 11/05/2012 23:38

AgentZigZag, if he is indeed on the spectrum and this is not yet another thread of
' I married a prick so he must be ASD'
then I think you are on the right lines.
I am my family's touchstone for normality. If I'm ill or upset, the shit hits the fan if I can't explain what's happening and the emotional context.
Those with no extensive experience of being in that sort of a relationship will only see the behaviour not the trigger, and so be offering different methods of strangulation and revenge.

needsavino · 11/05/2012 23:44

I do genuinely know what you are going through. Feel free to pm me-don't want to expose myself too much here. Be strong x

FallenCaryatid · 11/05/2012 23:48

Be strong?
Be informed about your DH's condition, you must have been together a while if your oldest DD with him is 8. Yes, be angry and upset that he's not being supportive, but work out how to get the response you need.

needsavino · 11/05/2012 23:55

Yes-be strong. The op can be given all the advice and info in the world but she does need the inner strength to take it on board and make an informed decision

AgentZigzag · 11/05/2012 23:56

I was going on how I used to be Fallen, I used to express myself in really destructive ways but didn't realise that was what I was doing.

I wasn't rational at the time, but if the DHs OP can be open about it, (not implying that's got anything to do with ASD btw) it's possible for both of them to recognise the lead up to the triggers and sort out a way of the OP saying 'I can see you're getting frustrated, what's up?' and the DH accepting it's happening and be able to say 'I think you're right, it could be because of blah blah'.

Instead of a week of the OP having to guess at WTF's going on on top of the stress she's already got.

needsavino · 11/05/2012 23:57

Btw-we all have the inner strength but we don't always recognise it

AgentZigzag · 11/05/2012 23:58

And to want to? (in addition to what you said needsavino?)

needsavino · 12/05/2012 00:01

Completely agree agent. You can't be helped if you don't face it. Trust me. I'be been there

HecateTrivia · 12/05/2012 08:53

When was he formally assessed and diagnosed as having ASD, as a child or an adult? What information and support have you been given?

My children have autism. It does not mean you are an uncaring arse. That isn't a symptom of autism at all. If someone with autism behaves in a socially unacceptable way - they need to be told and to be told to stop it.

People with autism do actually care about other people. They may have trouble empathising - perhaps. some of them. but they do care. He isn't being uncaring about your loss because he's autistic.

bochead · 12/05/2012 09:55

What Hecate said!

How has your own behavior varied from the norm? Normally people who are bereaved look withdrawn, red-eyed etc. You may have completely confused him and left him very out of sorts if your reaction to bereavement isn't what he's pre-loaded to expect in this sort of situation.

If you need a hug and something practical doing - tell him, get that rule established. ASD can often mean over sensitivity to the moods of those they love, not being an uncaring arse - even if they don't always demonstrate it in fluffy ways or know quite what to do with an over emotional female.

An ASD man can actually be a real godsend during family periods of emotional crisis given the chance, as they can keep things on track and practical for the family - acting like a real rock given the opportunity. If you let him he'll specialise in the practical stuff like ensuring everyone eats regular meals and that the kids are bathed, story read and put to bed on time etc, etc. The ASD man stepping up to the plate like this when the NT's are all at sea following a bereavment is a scene I've seen play out a few times over the years in my own and other relationships with ASD men.

An ASD man isn't gonna sing kumbaya with you, but he will help ensure that the flowers are ordered, the taxi arrives on time, the children are given a toy or game to distract them etc. Once he's completed his tasks he may give you a hug, and tell you he loves you before retreating to his cave or obsession for a day or two to process his own feelings.

If you think he's acting like a tosser - tell him. ASD does not equal plank.

fortyplus · 12/05/2012 10:02

Agree with Hecate - I'm in a sports team and one of the guys has autism - he's absolutely lovely but sometimes just doesn't 'get' the rules that most of us apply.

For example last week one of the ladies told him that she's vegetarian and he proceeded to give her a detailed account of his former work in a slaughterhouse to reassure her that meat production isn't cruel

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