To think my ex was out of order

[FateLovesTheFearless]

Just before he arrived to pick up our 4dc for the weekend, I discovered eldest dd (7) had not put away her pens after using them like I asked her to do and my ds had had a go at redecorating her room with them. Unimpressed is not quite the word, this follows a week of my dd losing money for a school disco after me telling her to keep it safe in her school bag until she saw the teacher, breaking her bedroom window latch after telling her not to touch it when damaged, and pulling a hanging basked clean off the shed after telling her not to hang off it. Anyhow.

He asked me to get dd's snuggle pillow, a teddy type one that she likes to sleep with. I refused. Because I had asked her not ten minutes before to make sure all her bedtime stuff was downstairs ready for her dad. And she hadn't done it. I explained to her as much and whilst I was doing so, my housemate saw out their window that my ex was stood behind me making 'blah blah blah' signs with his hands to try make my dd laugh I presume.

I am really angry that he thinks it's acceptable and good parenting to teach our children to not take what I say seriously. There is a whole lot more to his irresponsible, childish, selfish behaviour. At this moment in time after being informed about what he was doing I am having to restrain myself from phoning him. AIBU to be so cross?

I should also add I am upset that he clearly doesn't agree dd needs to learn consequences to actions and about being responsible.

He too needs to learn consequences. Sit him down on his return and ask if he wants to discuss things properly, the cheap way, ie. with you, or the expensive way, through the courts.
He's obviously a bit of a tosser, you can also warn him that if he wants to undermine your parenting, you can undermine his far more effectively.

He is immature, manipulative and plain nasty. Not sure what you can do about it though.

I would implement consistant consequences for your dd's behaviour, and make it clear that she has to obey your house rules, even if her dad has different (non-existent) rules in his house.

"you can also warn him that if he wants to undermine your parenting, you can undermine his far more effectively."

That is a truly appaling stance to take. I do hope the op has the sense to see that post as nothing other than vile poison.

It's the last straw for me really. I have been far far too lenient with him for the sake of trying to ensure my children are not too badly affected by our split. Over the last ten months there has been so many things from being stoned and/or drunk whilst caring for our children (his excuse was its only one joint and they are in bed, I laid down the law there but I can't exactly make sure he isn't doing it still can I?) to leaving my youngest aged 2 just turned unattended by a road at a far enough distance not to be able to stop him should he have gone into the road (his excuse being my ds was in a phone box playing, it's a very quiet road and my ds apparently wouldn't leave the phone box)

I know I should have just gone through the courts then and there but for whatever reason I haven't. This might be a small thing but enoughs enough.

everlong

The OP was disciplining their daughter and her ex husband was standing behind her making signs with his hands taking the piss out of the OP to make their daughter laugh. Completely unacceptable in my opinion.

imo he shouldn't have done that tell him so. But to be fair he is the one that will have to deal with her bedtime when she wants her pillow. Its ok to discipline a child but he is probably annoyed the punishment is being dealt, for misbehaving, with you, while he has her. Some comments on here are vile.

Yes they are happy. They are fed though I wouldn't use the word well. They tend to come back with various cuts and bruises but having been brought up in the country I know that's to be expected. I am just worn out with worrying when they are away. My dd2 yesterday was telling me how much she loves daddy's open fire. Except when it spits out hot bits that go on the carpet. Which means he still hasn't got a fire guard, four months after our youngest fell and hit his head on the mantle piece. I would only go down the court route if that would make him buck his ideas up. He never had any respect for me so I shouldn't be surprised he never appears to listen to common sense.

I relented on the pillow purely for that reason and she did get it.

I can understand why you are upset. He undermined your attempts to discipline your dd, something which is particularly hard when you are a lone parent and have no back up.

It was my housemate and the way she described it, it was blatantly obvious he was taking the piss. Coupled with the fact the girls told her he apparently told them to make 'silly noises' at me when I am telling them off for whatever, I don't doubt she is correct.

Do you mean to come across as a bit controlling?

She's concerned (with good reason) about the safety of her young children and is attempting to make her daughter take responsibility for simple tasks, like tidying up. To me, that doesn't seem controlling, just sensible.

You can punish your DCs when they get back. Just grab the pillow or if you can't, let him or your DC grab it as its probably something they need.

She may be but she also is coming across as rather controlling and precious. Maybe if she rephrased her points. It appears these children are content with daddy so thats a good thing.

If controlling means not wanting my child's head messed with, with one parent she loves and respects, ridiculing another parent she loves and respects, then yes I absolutely do. My dd has just completed an eight week counselling course with her school to help her understand the separation and that she still has two parents who may not be together but live her and want to do the best by her.

If I wanted to be controlling about him with his children I have had many opportunities to do so but we are separated and I have no interest in what he says or does as long as its not damaging our children.

She may be but she also is coming across as rather controlling and precious.

Have you actually read what's going on here?

A dope smoking/drunk in charge parent who then wilfully disrespects the other parent in front of their children when they are quite rightly disciplining the child.

That's neither controlling or precious. It's called being responsible.

It was a very immature thing for him to do. Having said that, ignore him- he probably wants you to react to it, to have a go at him so he can have a go back at you.

The issue really isn't about him and me. I can and have ignored many things he has said or done. I can't ignore his actions whilst my child is witnessing his behaviour. That is entirely different.