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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel annoyed with my mum?

50 replies

mintymellons · 11/05/2012 11:02

A bit of background first. Basically, I grew up in a loving home but my mum has always been a real worrier/stress merchant. As I grew up, she became quite fussy and would want to know the ins and outs of everything I was doing. As you can imagine, this got tiresome and I became less and less willing to tell her anything (which of course just made her more fretful). It's all a bit hard to explain really. She never stopped me doing anything as such and was supportive of me trying new things, but I always resented the way she was so nosey.

Fast forward to now and I would say our relationship is amicable, but we're not what you would call close. I see her at least once a week as she looks after DD2 while I work. I hardly ever tell her anything these days and feel irritated when she asks me about things, which I know is childish, but it's like a auto response now.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, there was an incident yesterday which left me feeling a mixture of anger and guilt. I had a hospital appointment for a fairly minor but quite personal matter and didn't really want to tell everyone (including mum). Unfortunately, DD1 let slip that I was going to hospital later when my mum was walking her to school yesterday. DD1 is only 6 and I think she knew she wasn't supposed to say anything, so she also told my mum that it was a secret!

I returned from work to find my mum looking all concerned and her first words were that DD1 had said I was going to the hospital and what was wrong with me.

I told her enough to put her mind at rest and said I hadn't told her because I didn't want a fuss making.

I was a bit thrown to be honest but when I thought about it later, I felt annoyed by the fact that she'd deemed it acceptable to question me about something which I obviously didn't want to share. It was as though it was her right to know, even if it made me uncomfortable.

Part of me feels a bit guilty for never telling her things, but most of me feels really pissed of with her

AIBU?

OP posts:
JayelleBee · 11/05/2012 11:06

She's your mum, she's going to ask.

When your DDs are big girls, you'll want to know these kind of things too.

For different reasons, I tell my mum as little as possible too, so I can understand that.

WheresMrMonkey · 11/05/2012 11:08

A tricky one, can see just how annoying it must be-have pretty much the same issue with MIL. However, looking at it from the other side, if you heard your DD had to go to hospital what would you think? That maternal instinct must kick in and you would be instantly terrified. Maybe this is the one example of nosiness that could be forgiven?

Hebiegebies · 11/05/2012 11:09

It's a tough one. I want to know what my dd is up to but she is 10. My mum wants to know everything I'm up to and I'm 40. Somewhere along the line mum shoud have learnt to back off but her mothering instincts haven't let her.

It's tough too when they ask sooooo many questions. Have you said 'that's enough questions now mum'? I have to do that occasionally but usually I just change the subject or say I don't know.

Your mum loves you but doesn't show it in the way you can receive. It's not our fault. She won't change, it's up to us to let it wash over us or challenge if they really are going too far

mintymellons · 11/05/2012 11:09

Thanks, Jayelle, but the thing is I hope that when my DDs ar older I'll respect their privacy - I really don't think that just because you are someone's parent that it gives you the right to know everything about them, particularly when they're adults. I'm 37, but my mum makes me feel like a teenager!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/05/2012 11:10

Of course she was going to ask why you were going to hospital, who wouldn't?

I think you need to separate the two things.

On this occasion, she wasn't being unreasonable

In the past, it sounds like she certainly has been.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 11/05/2012 11:11

YANBU to be pissed off, I think I understand how you feel because I have a simelar relationship with my Mum. I love her, but I don't like sharing personal stuff with her at all.

I think YABU to expect her to have not asked you though. You will want to know the reason why if you find out your dd has hospital appointments when she is an adult. It's completely natural that your mother would worry about this and what to know if you were ok, even if she was the most relaxed laid back mother in the world.

luckylavender · 11/05/2012 11:12

I think you are being unreasonable. She is involved in your life, you are her daughter. Imagine when your DD is grown up if that were to happen to you. Minor things I can understand but hospital, especially when your DD knew - quite unreasonable.

mintymellons · 11/05/2012 11:13

Thank you for your swift reponses. They're very helpful. What you said Worra is very accurate.

OP posts:
mintymellons · 11/05/2012 11:15

I think I should also mention that my mum is a bit of a hypochondriac too so minor health issues get blown out of proportion. She's regularly at the GP and always reporting other people's health problems. It's very tedious.

OP posts:
Iheartpasties · 11/05/2012 11:15

Honestly she had to ask on this occassion - but I feel your pain. She normally obviously gets on your tits, but I think she had to ask this time because anyone would.

BeaWheesht · 11/05/2012 11:16

Oh of course shees going to ask. She's your mum. You could have told her it was nothing. Why tell your dd, she's only 6, maybe she was worried?

Tbh it sounds all a bit childish and you're letting your past colour your thoughts - let it go, its no biggie.

mintymellons · 11/05/2012 11:18

Hebie, no, I've never said "enough questions". She's quite sensitive and I imagine that might upset her. I tend to just get a bit snappy if she goes on at me too much, which doesn't reflect well on me I know.

OP posts:
DogEared · 11/05/2012 11:18

YABU. She cares for you.

redskyatnight · 11/05/2012 11:20

I have what sounds like a similar relationship with my mum so I think I know where you are coming from. Lots of people have said that of course your mum would want to know why you were in hospital.

But why did she want to know? My mum would want to know so she could revel in the "excitement" of the situation and milk it for everything it was worth - she wouldn't have any genuine concern for me. I wouldn't mind her asking if she was concerned.

For me, the other acid test is would your mum tell you if she was going into hospital for tests? My mum wouldn't - she would keep it deadly secret and bite my head off if I accidently find out.

mintymellons · 11/05/2012 11:20

Bea, DD1 knows about my health problem, it's been going on a long time and I don't hide things from her. She wasn't worried, she let it slip because she told my mum that daddy would be collecting her from school and it went from there.

OP posts:
HuggyPomBear · 11/05/2012 11:20

Flip it on its head. If she'd told you she couldn't look after your DD2 one day then you found out from your DD1 that to keep it a secret but Grandma went to hospital and, for the sake of argument let's say she's very healthy. Would you honestly not feel concerned and want to know if she's ok? Take it further. If it was your DD as an adult, would you keep completely quiet if you knew she'd been to hospital? We tend to regress a little around our families. You sound a bit a bit like a teenager around your mum. So on that basis YABU.

HuggyPomBear · 11/05/2012 11:22

Sorry, missed th hypochondriac thing!

mintymellons · 11/05/2012 11:23

Huggy, you're right, I am like a teenager around her!

OP posts:
diddl · 11/05/2012 11:24

Hopefully she was asking out of genuine concern-in which case SINBU.

That said, you are an adult & are entitled to tell her as much or as little as you like.

Just be careful in future who else knows & might unwittingly "spill the beans"Wink

squeakytoy · 11/05/2012 11:26

YABU... a 6yo does not need to know about your health problems really either to be honest, nor should she be expected to keep secrets.

As Worra says, it sounds like she has been a bit interfering in the past, but you are her daughter, and she would worry if you had been to hospital, just as you yourself will worry when your own child grows up, and probably feel hurt if you found out she was reluctant to share anything with her own mother.

mintymellons · 11/05/2012 11:34

Squeaky, I don't expect my DD to keep secrets, I never asked her to do that. Also, why shouldn't my DD know about non serious health matters - it affects my day to day life sometimes and I would rather she knew why. She isn't remotely bothered by it.

I think this is one of those issues which is hard to 'get' if you don't have experience of an overly intrusive parent. I understand everyone who's said "of course she would ant to know" but I think there's a difference between wanting to know and accepting that you haven't been told for a reason (i.e the fact that it's personal).

Diddl I think she did ask out of genuine concern, but as I said at the beginning, she's always looking for something to worry about.

OP posts:
oldraver · 11/05/2012 11:41

OP my Mum is exactly the same an is also a medical drama llahma..... this post from RedSky is exactly her ... My mum would want to know so she could revel in the "excitement" of the situation and milk it for everything it was worth - she wouldn't have any genuine concern for me. I wouldn't mind her asking if she was concerned.

I think when you have a Mum like this you do tend to be a bit guarded so on the occasions that it would probably be pretty normal to ask if your DD had a hospital appointment you tend react slightly different from the norm. FWIW I kept a medical condition form my Mum for 12 odd years and when she did find out she made it 'hers' and is now convinced she had the same though I think she may be right. She knows nothing of anything current even though we have the same condition... she has used it to get her own way for years so I just dont want to go there with her 'concern' for me as I dont think it would be genuine. She has managed to wangle compensation from Virgin due to her making a fuss over my Dads medical condition that was just OTT

Some parents are just outsidethe range of 'normal' reactions so therefore your reaction to them is skewed

mintymellons · 11/05/2012 11:44

Thanks oldraver, that's so true. Your mum sounds 'tricky' too!

OP posts:
sleepsforwimps2010 · 11/05/2012 11:54

wow op! I could have written your post....
are you my sister???
I understand completely its really tough when your mum makes every 'non' event a crisis/ drama...
you end up mute, as saying nothing is just easier than dealing with constant drama!
in my case ive hid my pregnancys from her till ive been 20+ weeks, just because I didn't want to discuss what 'type's of sick I am... 'is it food or bile?' Wtf!!
I try to remember that it all comes from a loving place and just change the subject.

DeWe · 11/05/2012 11:54

My dm is very worried etc. so I know just where you're coming from. I tend to tell her after the event in a "oh I did tell you I saw the doctor and all's well" sort of way. She fusses and I then get irritated and then she gets upset and I feel guilty... So for that reason I play down anything like that.

We don't live near though so I don't have the day to day issues.