To feel annoyed with my mum?

[mintymellons]

A bit of background first. Basically, I grew up in a loving home but my mum has always been a real worrier/stress merchant. As I grew up, she became quite fussy and would want to know the ins and outs of everything I was doing. As you can imagine, this got tiresome and I became less and less willing to tell her anything (which of course just made her more fretful). It's all a bit hard to explain really. She never stopped me doing anything as such and was supportive of me trying new things, but I always resented the way she was so nosey.

Fast forward to now and I would say our relationship is amicable, but we're not what you would call close. I see her at least once a week as she looks after DD2 while I work. I hardly ever tell her anything these days and feel irritated when she asks me about things, which I know is childish, but it's like a auto response now.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, there was an incident yesterday which left me feeling a mixture of anger and guilt. I had a hospital appointment for a fairly minor but quite personal matter and didn't really want to tell everyone (including mum). Unfortunately, DD1 let slip that I was going to hospital later when my mum was walking her to school yesterday. DD1 is only 6 and I think she knew she wasn't supposed to say anything, so she also told my mum that it was a secret!

I returned from work to find my mum looking all concerned and her first words were that DD1 had said I was going to the hospital and what was wrong with me.

I told her enough to put her mind at rest and said I hadn't told her because I didn't want a fuss making.

I was a bit thrown to be honest but when I thought about it later, I felt annoyed by the fact that she'd deemed it acceptable to question me about something which I obviously didn't want to share. It was as though it was her right to know, even if it made me uncomfortable.

Part of me feels a bit guilty for never telling her things, but most of me feels really pissed of with her

AIBU?

Well I wouldn´t say that I have intrusive parents, but since leaving home I no longer tell them everything.

Just the way I am.

Thank you again for your replies.

I think I can just about understand why she needed to ask me, but it still makes me mad. Ultimately it is just symptomatic of our not too great relationship I suppose.

My mum is the same. Everything is about how it effects her. I went to the hospital I didn't tell her. I also didn't tell dd. She is 7 and I didn't want her to let it slip. Only dh knew.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks it's ok to have a bit of privacy!

Yep sounds like my mother too and it's hard to explain to people with normal parents why you are upset!

What would usually be an expression of concern in most people, to them is a great reason to have a drama about not only what is wrong with you (which is invariably blown out of proportion) but then subtly turned round to what an awful person you have been not telling her and how worried SHE is and blah blah blah.

I feel I must say at this point, that my mum doesn't really make me feel bad for not having told her things (I just feel bad all by myself!).

I think one of the big issues is that she has a pretty mundane life so she takes pleasure in busybodying in other people's business. This is what I can't bear more than anything.

Sorry was obviously projecting then!

Minty... My Mum does not know the meaning of privacy, as a teen she would go through my stuff and letters and not even hide it

minty-are you an only child?

No, diddl, I have a brother. She's less like this with him, but still a bit.

rhonda - no worries, it gets you like that doesn't it?!

'I think this is one of those issues which is hard to 'get' if you don't have experience of an overly intrusive parent.'

Exactly.

OP, your mum is reaping what she sowed, sadly. It's not your fault, what you feel and how you react is perfectly normal. If another adult is inappropriately nosey, it's normal and healthy to tell them to butt out! It's no different because someone is your mother.

Yes it's sad for her as it's obviously normal for her to be concerned for her daughter's welfare, want to know etc. But the failing is hers. If she'd started treating you as an adult in this respect years ago, respecting your boundaries, offering a normal, non-pressurising level of interest/support as you grew older, when the control of the relationship was in her hands, you would probably not feel like this and would be closer as a result. As it is, you put up barriers against her years ago! Too late now!

My mum was like this. I hope I've learned from that feeling of being smothered and irritated and not respected at all, and will give my DD a bit of respect and space as she gets older. I'd like it lots if she grew up feeling supported by me rather than desperate to shake me off!

Thank you Gopoldark, you have put that beautifully.

It is sad. My mum is a nice person and a kind and loving grandmother to my DDs, but what's done is done and I can't imagine ever feeling any differently towards her. It makes me feel awful sometimes.

Me too.

Exactly.

Especially because I really think that the root problem is my mum's complete LACK of emotional intelligence in this respect. She can't see the problem, not because she's a 'bad person', but because she's not clever enough to. Partly. Or maybe I'm putting my own spin on it...Either way, I'll never feel any differently either.

One alarm bell that rang for me, though, was when you said your mum is 'sensitive', so you don't feel you can broach stuf like that with her. You know what, when someone says that of a parent, I always think, ahh, they trained you well!! For 'sensitive', read 'manipulative' OP...

At some point, your mum put responsibility for how she feels about your relationship onto your shoulders... wrong, wrong again. All about her.

Be nice to her, but don't feel bad, really. And maybe start telling it like it is, and if she wants to be 'sensitive' about it, let her...

Just asked as my husband is an only & MIL wants to know everything-although I know that doesn´t mean that all intrusive mums have an only.

But I think with her it´s also lack of her own life.

But she never lets on anything about herself.

So when she wants to know something & husband won´t let on she moans-"you play your cards close to your chest"-well yes-a trick learned from her & her nosiness has made him "shut down".

My mum is like this also. She is lovely, kind and a great grandmother, but she doesn't understand about confidentiality at all. She just needs to talk through everything with her friends, and sadly that is a lot of people. So I don't tell her anything, and if I tell her something then I know that it is now public. It makes me sad that I couldn't tell her that I was pregnant as soon as I found out like other people can. When I hear people talking about how they told their mum lovely secrets, I feel that I'm missing out on something, but that is just how things have to be. I don't live near to her and that makes life easier. I would find it almost impossible to live so close to see her every week and there is no way on earth I would let her be my regular childcare. She would just be too intrusive.

I have to say that as soon as I was able to get away, I went and then that was it until pretty recently.

First I went to uni and quite often didn't go home for the hols, then I moved to London where I met DP and we lived there til 2005 when DD1 was born. we then moved back up North where we're both from, but not to my hometown where my parents then still lived - to be fair my hometown is a dump and there was no way I would have moved back there anyway, so our choice of location wasn't particularly fuelled by staying away from my mum.

Anyway, my parents retired and then sold their house and moved to where we live now. I think they just wanted to be be near to DD1 and be able to see her regularly. As you can imagine, this didn't sit well with me but I've got used to them being local again now.

As far as childcare is concerned, I think my mum really appreciates the opportunity to spend time with my DDs and wouldn't do anything to put that in jeopardy. The thing with her is that I think she probably knows she's irritating and manages to keep herself in check sometimes!

OP , I often feel that I live my life on Big Brother and my Mum feels able to comment upon, question me about, every aspect of my life .

I know she does this out of pure love and protectiveness, but sometimes when it gets too much I just say 'Mum, it's really nothing to do with you is it?'

That said, op, I really think you need to reconsider having your MUm provide childcare. You cannot expect your DD to keep certain things secret from her care giver. It's too much responsibility for a ilttle person.

wordfactory, thanks for your response.

Can I just make clear the fact that I don't expect DD1 to keep secrets from anyone - I didn't ask her to keep this a secret and I wasn't cross with her for telling my mum. I was cross with my mum for feeling the need to question me about it when I obviously would have told her myself if I'd wanted her to know.

As for the childcare, that's not an issue. My mum's care is wonderful. She's not manipulative in her nosiness, more just overbearing/smothering (or at least that's how it seems to me - others would perhaps find it ok, but I'm quite a private person and I don't know if that's my natural personality or if I've just developed it).

For all that I've said about her nosiness, I wouldn't want it to seem that she's a bad person, because she really isn't. She's basically a bit of a busybody who has worn me down over the years. She's not selfish or thoughtless, just too into other people's affairs.

Sorry, also meant to add that my mum looks after my younger DD, NOT the one who told her about the hospital!

I can see why you didn't want her to know, and I can see why she would have wanted to know.

But I do know that if I was your mum and I'd read your posts above I would be desperately hurt.

From what you have said, there is nothing nasty or malicious about her (unlike some) you are just very different people.

And is it your mum who is irritating or do you just have low tolerance for her?

Is it something you could try and overcome as she is such a good and helpful grandmother?

My mum is a bit like yours but im a bit like her also I am quite curious what my dd are up to its just natural i think you want them to be safe , especially when they become teenagers , you have to try and strike a balance imo , I have a medical condition my mum was sort of my carer when i was younger and it was stressful for her obviously having a sick child is worrying , I try and not tell her that much these days and if im not well i try and play it down i can see where you are coming from and YANBU to want some privacy in your life ,

My mum is like this and it drives me mad. Everything gets turned around to how it affects her. When my job was at risk, we had the drama of her "Not sleeping as she was sooo worried about me" When DS2 had to have an operation on his foot, she was "Not sleeping as she was sooo worried about DS2". When I found out my job was safe, it was "Oh thank god. I will sleep tonight", not, thank god you will still be in work!

And she feels the need to discuss every aspect of my life with just about every other person that she knows. I was being investigated for possible cervical cancer, and had asked her to not to discuss it with anyone until I knew the outcome of the tests. The day after I told her it was "You didn't mind me telling Mrs so and so, did you?" well, yes I do mind as I asked you to keep it confidential. "Oh dear. I told Mrs X as well. She said she would have prayers said for you in church" So the whole bloody community knew.

Now I tell her nothing unless I don't mind it spread across half of the town. It's hard as she is still my mum, and I would like to be able to talk to her about things, but she just makes such a sodding drama out of everything.

All of your replies have helped me get a bit of a perspective on the matter, so thank you everyone.

My mum cares about me (I know that) but just has an irritating manner (it's not just me who thinks that btw). In her eyes she still has the right (or maybe the need) to know everything about me. It's as though she's never fully let go. An example of this is the way in which she still harks back to things that my brother and I used to do as children.

We are very different people, yet similar in some ways too (which is probably the biggest issue). IMO, my mum is old before her time and lacks any aspiration. I think she has a bit of a working class inferiority complex and is pretty sneery about people who have money or big houses or whatever. I've become middle class through education and profession and obviously I can't blame my mum for that. We're simply not on the same wavelength.

I just can't shirk this feeling of guilt though, but not really sure why I should feel guilty. It's going round and round in my head. I feel bad because she basically discovered that I was keeping something from her, but then it was none of her business in the first place iyswim.

modre your mum sounds like My MIL she isnt with us anymore but when she was alive , it was oh im so relieved that X has worked out i was soo worried i couldnt eat (for every little thing) , or when DD2 was in babycare mil said oh what would i do if I lost the little mite i dont think I would cope

the little mite was fine just 6 weeks early and needed a wee bit oxygen , but mil was so dramatic and not a thought for anybody else ,