Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU or is nursery? (toilet training)

39 replies

Bagofholly · 10/05/2012 16:31

DS1 is 3ys 2 mths. I have 16 mth old twins. DS1 doesn't want to use the toilet, doesn't want pull-ups, doesn't want to be the big boy. He openly tells me he wants to be a baby too. Fine, I reckon - he's ready when he's ready. He takes himself off for a quiet moment to fill his nappy, comes and tells me, and I change him, takes seconds. Sitting him crying on the toilet seems to serve no purpose yet, and also means I have to leave the twins unsupervised.
I plan to try toilet training him in summer when the weather is warm and he can run about in the buff, or even wait till the twins are ready and tackle all 3 together.
Nursery have him 5 sessions a week and reckon he's ready. They've told me they sit him on the toilet and sometimes he goes. He's also come home in pull-ups despite my sending nappies and when I had a chat with them saying I wasn't planning to even attempt training him yet, they said that they think he can do it. I explained that if he's not happy, and there's no rush then why upset him? I thought they'd accepted this but today he told me he was going for a poo and then suddenly started shouting "don't want toilet" and got REALLY upset. I suspect they're pushing him. I plan to say something but then wonder if AIBU as they've toilet trained more kids than me!

OP posts:

Gumby · 10/05/2012 16:33

I'd let them go for it
So much easier for them to do it than you!0

porcamiseria · 10/05/2012 16:34

tough one! I trained DS1 far too late, but it worked for us and he was not at nursery

I think, in this instance I would defer to their judgement

(a) you save nappy £
(b) they are going to have a go at you until you cave in
(c) he is a decent age

If its ano consolation I got bollocked at DS1 asked for help wiping his arse, when told NO he said "Mummy does it". cheers DS

sootie · 10/05/2012 16:36

I only started potty training DD at home, once she had established potty training at nursery. It seemed the more stress free and easier option for me. The nursery were basically teaching her to use the potty, and she was copying other children. When it came to potty training at home, she learnt within a week. Why on earth would you not let nursery do a bulk of this hard job for you?

Original poster

Bagofholly · 10/05/2012 16:41

Because he doesn't want to do it at home, gets really upset and I don't know that I can give it the time it needs right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bagofholly · 10/05/2012 16:43

I suppose I'm worried about sending him mixed messages too and need to present a united front with nursery don't I? Or can I just say "yes see how you go on with it?" and leave him in nappies at home? We get a LOT of he doesnt want to be a big boy, etc.

OP posts:

sootie · 10/05/2012 16:46

You don't have to do it at home. I didn't. Just let them get on with it at nursery. He'll watch others and will want to copy them and slowly he will want to do the same at home too. Just let nursery know that you won't be attempting it at home yet. It took DD a few months before I introduced the potty at home when she was just over 3 years old. She had been using the potty at nursery for months before that.

ShellyBobbs · 10/05/2012 16:48

I think you would be surprised at how different your son is at nursery. I used to help out at my daughters nursery and the change in some children when their parents walked out was amazing.

Your son may feel comfortable using the toilet at nursery as other children his age will be doing. Believe me, if he really is unhappy about it, you'd know straight away, there would be a marked difference in his behaviour most of the time and not just when he needs to go.

Good luck, and I'd wait until warmer weather too, much easier :)

kilmuir · 10/05/2012 16:49

think you need to be a bit tougher. let nursery try with him

OTTMummA · 10/05/2012 16:49

I found ds rebelled against toilet training at home, more so than at nursery.
I tried 3 times and he got a bit better each time, but on the last attempt we had nursery pushing him awell, i think that he had a lot of positive responses at nursery, the fact that there were a few other children he liked that were training to helped.
He got it within a week, no problems, he was around 3yrs old, we made a big deal of getting big boy pants which he chose, and pull ups for night time.
We also got him a book on toilet traning, pirate pete something, read it everynight, pirate pete also had a baby brother in the book, and highlighted that only babies need nappies etc.

I think i would let nursey continue, he will probably have a few moments of rebelling, but will more than likely stick to it with encouragement all round.

3duracellbunnies · 10/05/2012 16:50

He may be different with them when he is amongst older children and wants to be a big boy, and then with you he's wanting all the attention as a baby boy. In my experience pull ups are expensive and confusing, I wouldn't use them to actually potty train, but nurseries seem to prefer them for some reason. Tell the nursery that it is great that they are helping him to get ready for potty training, and that you will give it a go either at half term or the summer.

I have found that the best time is when you can devote at least a week of fairly quiet days. Take all napppies, pull-ups away and go cold turkey, he may well have quite a few accidents, which is why many people prefer to do it in the summer when you can be in the garden, so less puddles to clear up. Even going to and from nursery may be a challenge at first. If he starts being dry when you get him up in the morning then take away nighttime nappies too. He is old enough to be potty trained, but it is a bit dispirating sometimes so you need to be ready too.

Original poster

Bagofholly · 10/05/2012 16:51

Thanks, I'm blooming clueless about all this! I don't want to confuse him etc, butane am used to having three in nappies!

OP posts:

IvanaNap · 10/05/2012 16:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/05/2012 16:52

He's probably completely different at nursery. He might want to be like the babies at home, but I expect he wants to be like the big boys at nursery.

I'd let them get on with it,and I don't see a problem with them putting him in pull ups.

Crazyfatmamma · 11/05/2012 16:40

I think reading between the lines he can do it ie the telling u he needs to go, taking himself off somewhere quiet to do it and using the toilet at nursery but he doesn't want to do it, perhaps because he doesn't want to be the big boy in the family, I think naturally he is a bit envious of his siblings and wants to remain your baby as it where. So I think there is two separate issues there. I think if u wait for him to toilet train with his siblings then realistically he could be well over 4 before he is trained and this is school age! I think gentle praise and encouragement is what's needed and allow the nursery to help out, your little man seems to be resisting change but unless tackled this could well continue, maybe try a firm bit fair approach with loads of praise and encouragement. II think physically he's really but mentally he isn't, ur his mum tho and u know best.

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 11/05/2012 16:47

I would agree with letting them get on with it. He is clearly ready physically to be toilet trained - he knows when he needs to go and consciously does it. I suspect at nursery he is emotionally ready too because he wants to be like the other kids. At past 3 he is pretty late for toilet training, and it's amazing how kids pick up when they are different.

I suspect that at home it may be harder because he's realised that nappy changes are guaranteed one on one mum time!

LimeLeafLizard · 11/05/2012 16:54

Since he is over 3 I am not surprised the nursery would like him to be trained.

I agree with YLAIOD (above) and the posters who have said let nursery get on with it - saves you the work, for a start, and sounds like you don't have much experience of this particular thing whereas they do. Lean on them for support - you have your hands full!

Have you tried leaving his nappy off at home?

5318008 · 11/05/2012 17:00

ummm nursery should be working with you, not barrelling ahead

ProcrastinateWildly · 11/05/2012 17:02

Could you reassure him that he can still be your baby, but also use the toilet?

giraffesCantGoPotholing · 11/05/2012 17:04

you say there are other ways he wants to be a baby too?

Is this not about jealousy of dts? trying to stay a baby to be the same?

Melindaaa · 11/05/2012 17:08

Yabu. He is three. He shouldn't be in nappies during the day at that age, he is perfectly aware of when he needs to poo so should be doing it in the correct place, which IMO is the potty or toilet.

ProcrastinateWildly · 11/05/2012 17:10

My ds has no other siblings, but was not motivated by talk if being a big boy.
Just remembered that he did say at one point that I wouldn't love him any more if he didn't wear a nappy (on the contrary!).
I played a game with him where I made a toilet, me, ds, and daddy out of plasticine, and we took turns going to the toilet.
Also does he see you on the toilet? He might not realise that everyone does it.
We also had a book called pirate pete's potty which we read prior to training, at first he was fairly reluctant to read it, but he got used to it

MrsHuxtable · 11/05/2012 17:12

Yes, let the nursery do it.
If you wait til you train your other children, would he then not have to go to school in nappies?

notjustamummythankyou · 11/05/2012 18:20

I have a ds (2.7) and a dd (11 weeks). I tried training my ds at about 2.3) but didn't have much success and it ended up being stressful for both of us. I decided to wait until dd was here and settled in.

Ds's nursery said that he was copying other children and in fact wanted to use the toilet. They asked me to take in loads of pants and they'd have a go for a day. He did really well.

I think I was holding him back because I was worried it would be too difficult with a newborn. I've been proven otherwise and (bar a few puddles) haven't looked back!

Go for it - you could be pleasantly surprised. :)

Original poster

Bagofholly · 11/05/2012 20:33

Thankyou all (except melindaa - I asked was I being u regarding nursery, not what's best for my individual child! How the hell would you know?)

It's parents evening next week so I'm going to have a good talk with his keyworker. Giraffe, you're right, there are loads of sibling rivalry things going on, so this particular behaviour doesn't surprise me - he doesn't want a big boy bed, wants to sit in a highchair, etc all of which are reasons I want to handle this carefully. I don't doubt for a second that if he was a singleton we'd have cracked this long ago, but he isn't, and I have to take the other factors into account. Having the twins was a huge shock to him and I don't want to push him unnecessarily if waiting a few months and letting him find his own pave might be gentler.

OP posts:

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 11/05/2012 21:03

Ah, so there is a whole pattern of wanting to remain a baby then? TBH, I am not sure that time alone is going to fix this. I can understand you saying 'if waiting a few months...might be gentler' if he was younger, or the twins had very recently arrived. But I think there is a risk that actually this will get harder and more entrenched the longer you leave it. I don't think it's out not being ready to potty train - it sounds like it is more about not wanting to leave babyhood. Possibly tied in with the fact that the two babies probably (inevitably) get lots of attention for baby things, like nappies, food, etc.

I would totally agree with your plan of discussing it with the nursery. But I think maybe you and your DH/DP (unless you are a single parent?) need to work on a wider plan of action on convincing your DS that growing up is a good thing. Things like special trips out that only the 'big boy' can go on - Daddy and son go off to play football, mummy and son go off to the city farm (or vice versa. Don't want to stereotype!) could work at building his self confidence and understanding that being a baby isn't necessary?

Flip

1 2