AIBU or is nursery? (toilet training)

[Bagofholly]

DS1 is 3ys 2 mths. I have 16 mth old twins. DS1 doesn't want to use the toilet, doesn't want pull-ups, doesn't want to be the big boy. He openly tells me he wants to be a baby too. Fine, I reckon - he's ready when he's ready. He takes himself off for a quiet moment to fill his nappy, comes and tells me, and I change him, takes seconds. Sitting him crying on the toilet seems to serve no purpose yet, and also means I have to leave the twins unsupervised.
I plan to try toilet training him in summer when the weather is warm and he can run about in the buff, or even wait till the twins are ready and tackle all 3 together.
Nursery have him 5 sessions a week and reckon he's ready. They've told me they sit him on the toilet and sometimes he goes. He's also come home in pull-ups despite my sending nappies and when I had a chat with them saying I wasn't planning to even attempt training him yet, they said that they think he can do it. I explained that if he's not happy, and there's no rush then why upset him? I thought they'd accepted this but today he told me he was going for a poo and then suddenly started shouting "don't want toilet" and got REALLY upset. I suspect they're pushing him. I plan to say something but then wonder if AIBU as they've toilet trained more kids than me!

I think regardless of the debate on should you or should you not go ahead with potty training him, you need to agree with nursery about what you want and what they think works best in their setting/with their experience and knowing how he copes in the nursery setting. Have a good chat with them.

Im with others as in let nursery do it- I doubt they would push him into it if he isn't ready (as he probably wants to go the loo like other children when there)

I found with dd1 she prefered potty to toilet when dd2 was born so she didn't feel like she was missing out. Also check out the toilets at nursery- get him to show you his favourite. Let him pick a toilet in your house (ie dd likes the main bathroom one as the cloakroom has a noisy extractor)

Good luck!

If you have a few weeks spare in the summer I would try having all three boys naked in the garden. Although 18 months is young to potty train, ds had some successes then, and three little potties lined up may encourage all of them to try. The dt may surprise you too, although at that age the main aim is familiarisation. I agree with the other posters to try to find some fun things which only big boys can do.

My dc is 3 1/2, she has been potty trained for about 5 months now with the help of thr nursery she goes to 5 days a week.
Just go for it & dont look back he will do it.
At first, because it was the 3rd attempt i thought she wasn't going to fail but she didn't.
For a week we had a few accidents but after that not so many and now shes been totally dry for 3 1/2 months and she is also getting dry at night most nights.
A tip would be never to regress into pullups except for at night-put him straight into pants and provide him with a potty and toddler loo seat

When I worked in the 2-3's room, I used to continue any potty training which parents started at home. I wouldn't start at nursery as I felt it wasn't part of my job, that was up to the parents but if they came in and said "We've started potty training at the weekend!" then we would continue it. I feel the nursery have overstepped the mark. If he was too big for their changing station then they can move the mat on to the floor.

My ds was exactly the same til very recently, he's 4 next month. One of the things that worked for us is putting a potty into the place he was taking himself off to for a quiet poo(!) which for ds was his bedroom. He obviously felt ok to do it there, so putting a potty in there was just not as scary I suppose as making him go to the loo and sit there forever. He now very rarely has accidents, when he got the potty training, he got it very quickly indeed.

Just let them do it, it'll be easier for you.

I think you're lucky they entertain the idea anyway, the nurseries around here insist they are 'trained' before they even go.

The nursery are obviously trying to tell you that he is ready to toilet train. I'm sure thay have trained dozens of children. I would trust their knowledge and experience and let them continue what they are doing.
Why not sned him in pull-ups. It will make it easier for all concerned as he will be able to sit on the toilet and pull the pull-ups up and down without needing a new nappy each time. If the rest of the children are doing it, it might be just te catalyst he needs.

I have no idea of the answer to your Q since my DD is not quite 2 and not ready to toilet train. Only wanted to add that kids are weird and he may be ready for different things at nursery where he is with children his own age than he is at home with his little siblings and Mummy. And if he uses the toilet at nursery but carries on using nappies at home for a bit longer that is fine. I'm an older sister to twins and I behaved just like your DS when they came along and wanted to be babied at home, but at playgroups everyone kept telling my Mum how grown-up I was. Drove her nuts! If he runs on two-speeds for a little bit it will not do him any harm.

Oh and I am toilet-trained now (32).

I left it 'til past three to toilet train DS1 too, following advice that they're ready when they're dry through the night, they'll let you know when they are etc... And, it was a huge mistake. We're still having some trouble at four and a fecking half. Sooner you tackle it the better. Sorry.

I agree with whoever said it would be good to build his confidence as a big boy, see if he can get some individual attention; and that his nursery behaviour may well be very different from his home behaviour. I mean, maybe he's following other kids to the loo, wanting to use it etc and that's why he's coming home in pullups. You maybe need to talk to them in more detail.

Ok my situation is a little different but i think the main thing is the same. My dd1 was 5 when the twins were born and she went backwards. She didnt want to be a big girl anymore. She had the odd accident and would say she needed a nappy to be like her brother and sister. I decided that i needed to make it that she really wanted to be a big girl. When we went shopping i would say "i really wish i had a big girl to help me choose (insert thing here)" or id say its a lovely day at, if only i had a big girl to do (insert thing here). After about a week or so she was dying to be a big girl because she got to do things that the babies couldnt.

Could you maybe plan some things that only big boys can do?

I think if you just say to him that he doesn't have to use the toilet at home if he doesn't want to then it would be fine to have two different ways of doing things - afterall everything is different at nursery (food, naps) why not toileting too?

I think that it's so dummed into parents not to give 'mixed messages' that we take it too far - i think individuals and places need to have consistent rules but differnet places and carers can easily have differnet rules. Children are generally ok with things being different at nursery or at grandparents..

The fact that he can take himself off for a poo means he is physically more than able to be toilet trained. It sounds like there are psychological reasons he doesn't want to move on as you have correctly identified and I'd speak to the nursery - do you have access to a health visitor too the system has changed since mines were small - and get some guidance on how to improve his ability to deal with change?

Don't fret too much though he will get round to it, you don't see many children at secondary school in nappies!