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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

rubbish comment to mixed rave dd, from her friend. AWBU to just ignore?

40 replies

EckyThump99 · 09/05/2012 21:41

Or does it need to be tackled?

My dd is yr2. Her friend said to her she must have came from the care home because she is brown and I am white Shock

The school is really diverse, there are lots of MR children. I'm really suprised.

I know the mum pretty well and consider her a friend. Am sure she would be pretty shocked

My dd is confident in het identity thus far and took the comment for what it wad I.e. stupid

I've discussed it with her, she doesn't think it necessary to speak to friends mum. But I do don't i?

Having trouble gauging my reaction to anything these days, ad going through very difficult divorce od EA stbxh

Friend had made another comment in the past when dd straightened het hair-said she liked her when her hair was straight, but couldn't be her friend when het hair wad curly Confused

Dd not too bothered about this girls friendship anyhow. She finds her annoying so is not upset by any of this. Obviously could be having a subconscious affect

But Ford friend need to be pulled up regardless of how it had or hadn't impacted dd? Or am I over reacting because it is race related?

OP posts:
Original poster
EckyThump99 · 09/05/2012 21:43

She is mixed race Too young to be raving!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/05/2012 21:44

I wonder if it's something to speak to the school about, you don't know the source of these comments - could be her parents or a "popular" child in the class that she wants to impress?

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 09/05/2012 21:46

Her friend sounds a bit... confused. Could it be misunderstanding rather than malicious?

usualsuspect · 09/05/2012 21:48

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it if your daughter wasn't upset , I agree her friend sounds a bit confused rather than malicious

DeWe · 09/05/2012 21:49

I think I'd mention the "care home" incident to the mum. Just in a "so you know this happened" kind of way. It might be something innocent like "why do I have blue eyes?" "Because your mum has blue eyes and, X has brown hair because her dm has brown hair and Y is tall because her dm is tall etc..."

The hair comment sounds like just being a 7yo girl though and I wouldn't worry about it.

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2012 21:49

She's only 6 or 7yrs old...possibly confused?

sixlostmonkeys · 09/05/2012 21:50

Your dd is dealing with this right - taking the comments as just stupid.
Don't make a big deal out of it.

mynewpassion · 09/05/2012 21:50

I wouldn't ignore it per se but I would reassure your DD about being mixed race and say that her friend was not being very nice to say things like that. Kids can be really mean and thoughtless.

Itsjustafleshwound · 09/05/2012 21:51

Your dd sounds like a grounded individual and has dealt with it well. I wouldn't really see the value taking it further and against the wishes of your daughter. The friend seems like just background noise parroting what she has been taught/said at home ..

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 09/05/2012 21:51

It's not racist, this is just a child who doesn't understand.

When I was little (7 or 8) I was friends with two sisters,one was black and one was white. I didn't believe they were sisters just because it never occurred to me that they could be. I wasn't being racist, I justdidnt get it.

Talk to their teacher and get the teacher to explain it. It's no big deal, children aren't born knowing everything.

usualsuspect · 09/05/2012 21:52

I think it might be difficult for a child to understand why a child is a different colour from their parents , I wouldn't say she was mean and thoughtless

Original poster
EckyThump99 · 09/05/2012 21:57

This is it though- she ain't confused-there are lots of MR kids in the school. Lots of brown kids with black or white mums. She was born in the area, so at 7 yo she knows that children don't always look like their mama

Her mum is not racist or prejudice in anyway. Don't know about dad

She won't be impressing anyone in the school with that kind of speak Confused

But yeah, kids are mean about anything and everything

Might tell mum and teacher, just to make sure it is squashed

OP posts:
Original poster
EckyThump99 · 09/05/2012 21:59

Where the fuck did she get 'care home' from though???

OP posts:
crazygracieuk · 09/05/2012 22:03

Agree with the others about the comments probably being ignorance rather than racism.

I have a 9year old dd and she has gone from a school with no black girls in her class to one with black girls and she was talking about their hair and this led to me having to explain the little I know about afro hair/weaves. I didn't know what afro hair felt like and what weaves were until I was at university. (I went to schools with white, Asian and Far East girls).

The care home comment is shocking but my kids (11 and 9) would have asked if your dd was adopted if they hadn't met your h as in their limited experience of life, mixed race marriage is unusual.

Jinsei · 09/05/2012 22:08

I'm the white mum of a mixed race dd who is also in year 2. I'd be upset if someone said this to my dd, but if she wasn't bothered about it, I'd be tempted to let it go on this occasion.

As others have said, it could have been ignorant rather than malicious in intent. And I'm not sure you'd achieve much by trying to address it anyway.

For the time being, I'd focus on ensuring that your dd knows how to handle stupid comments of this nature, but just not make a big deal of it. If the other child makes more comments like this, it will need to be addressed, but give her the benefit of the doubt this time.

Glad your dd is not upset!

Sunscorch · 09/05/2012 22:10

"at 7 yo she knows that children don't always look like their mama"

Does she know that? Maybe she thinks all the mixed race children are coming from care, because no one has ever explained to her.

Jinsei · 09/05/2012 22:16

Sorry OP, meant to add that I don't think you should let your dd see that you're upset about this. If you say something to the mum, it may well get back toyour dd via the child. I don't think it's in her interests to make a bigger issue of it than what she currently thinks it is iyswim.

Original poster
EckyThump99 · 09/05/2012 22:16

Where would she even have got the idea of care home from?!

I would say growing up in a diverse area, at 7 she is much more likely to understand mixed raceness than know anything about care homes!
I had to explain to dd what a care home wad. No one in their class, or school probably, lives in a care home! But there are lots of mixed families
Similarily with adoption;much less exposure to adopted kids than MR

OP posts:
Sunscorch · 09/05/2012 22:19

And yet, this is what she has said.

Original poster
EckyThump99 · 09/05/2012 22:19

JINSEL yes, that's the balance isn't it

It needs cutting dead, but don't build it up unnecessarily

Gah! Shouldn't have started this thread, I'm getting more annoyed Smile

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 09/05/2012 22:20

She has probably heard care home from Tracey Beaker.

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2012 22:20

Where the fuck did she get 'care home' from though???

A book? A TV programme? Tracy Beaker? An adult talking about care homes?

The list is endless really.

BrightnessFalls · 09/05/2012 22:20

Could she be reading Jaqueline Wilson? thats all I can think of.

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2012 22:20

Snap wiggles Grin

BrightnessFalls · 09/05/2012 22:21

Cross posted Worra!! Smile