rubbish comment to mixed rave dd, from her friend. AWBU to just ignore?

[EckyThump99]

Or does it need to be tackled?

My dd is yr2. Her friend said to her she must have came from the care home because she is brown and I am white

The school is really diverse, there are lots of MR children. I'm really suprised.

I know the mum pretty well and consider her a friend. Am sure she would be pretty shocked

My dd is confident in het identity thus far and took the comment for what it wad I.e. stupid

I've discussed it with her, she doesn't think it necessary to speak to friends mum. But I do don't i?

Having trouble gauging my reaction to anything these days, ad going through very difficult divorce od EA stbxh

Friend had made another comment in the past when dd straightened het hair-said she liked her when her hair was straight, but couldn't be her friend when het hair wad curly

Dd not too bothered about this girls friendship anyhow. She finds her annoying so is not upset by any of this. Obviously could be having a subconscious affect

But Ford friend need to be pulled up regardless of how it had or hadn't impacted dd? Or am I over reacting because it is race related?

Ah yes-Tracy beaker!

Still seems like a unlikely connection to make, given we live where we do

But I suppose kids are unlikely aren't they

If you're friends with the girl's mum I would mention it to her before saying anything to school.

I work at a maintained nursery school and something like this would have to be recorded as a racist incident which is possibly not a route you'd want it to go down if it is just a little girl being daft/confused/thoughtless.

I would mention in a "it doesnt bother DD but it might upset another MR child" way. I have a mixed race child and I have to admit that having heard some of the spiteful things kids say to each other, I am worried about when she goes to school :(

I have a disabled child too, some of the things said to him were from confused understanding, and some came from parents who made it clear that my son was a "Mong" or some such :(:( You can usually tell the difference.

2 weeks after my Ex left, a boy in DS class (Reception) came to tea. DS was 5, the boy approaching 5.

he said (in a clearly snarky taunting voice, in front of me) "I've got a Dad and YOU haven't"

Give DS his due, he replied, 'I do have a dad, he's in Egypt'

Kids (some) are VILE. This boy has gone on and on, they've been split in classes and I've had to complain formally twice.

What that girl said is CRUEL, team it with the Straight hair/Friend, Curly/Not friend comment, however you look at it, it's not a pretty picture at all.

IF you think you can have a nice chat with the mother to bring her up to speed, and to suggest that the pair of them play with other people from now on then do it. Remind her in a very soft way that if she makes comments like this again and they are heard in school that it WILL be logged as a racist incident and you'd HATE for that can of worms to be opened for her DD.

Just a thought that occurred to me.

All it would take would be for this girl to have one previous friend who also happened to be mixed-race and did happen to be fostered (which I presume is what she means by coming from a care home?)

If she was told that was the case by one child who looked a certain way, it might be very easy for her to assume thats where all similar-looking children come from.

Young children tend to think in very generalised and black and white terms like that unless corrected by someone. :)

I'd bank on it being a tracey beaker reference! I'd mention it to the teacher they might bring it into a dicussion at group time.

I'd mention it to her mum in passing. I would - it's not a nice thing to say, even if your DD is unconcerned and knows it's stupid - because the mum should be aware of the things her DD is absorbing and spouting.

When I was about 5 or 6 the dinner lady asked my friend why she looked so different to her older brother. "Because I'm adopted" saidmy friend cheerfully.

When I told my mum about this I said I didn't think they looked very different because my friend had brown hair and her brother had red hair. And brown and red were quite similar colours. (Especially in comparison to my yellow hair.)

As an adult I can see that my friend probably had one mixed race birth parent which gave her her colouring whilst her brother was a red head and had red head colouring but as a child I was adamant that brown was like red and couldn't see why the dinner lady had asked.

The point I'm making is that children see things strangely and once they get an idea in their head it can stick - even if it is wrong.

Happyhissy I totally agree with you. Taken in conjunction with her other comment about curly hair, this really needs to be nipped in the bud. If she said something like that to the wrong child it would be logged formally as a racist comment and God knows where it would end. A quiet word with her mum should sort it.

Sorry to hear about your son's 'friend' happy. Dh is white but is a wonderful dad to my 2 sons who are black. Everytime he used to collect tgem from school there was one girl who kept asking how he could be their dad, no matter how many times he answered her, she kept asking. I really felt it was undermining the lovely relationship Dh had built with my boys so in the end Dh had to be quite firm with her and refuse to discuss it anymore. That soon shut her up, but its as if she just wanted DS to feel daft for regarding a white man as his dad. Bet brad pitt doesnt have those problems!

Thanks guys, for all the replies

I've had a good think about this over night. I'm afraid I really don't buy that she said this because she is confused

She knows me quite well, and dds dad. She's been for tea on lots of occasions and we've been out on days trips together a fair bit.

They have previous for winding each other up. I think she did make the comment to provoke a reaction. I'm not saying she is racist, that is a strong term for a 7 yo, but I do think she was being antagonistic and trying to upset dd

I'm going to speak to her mum-imo happy to do that. I am also going to speak to the class teacher but I am not going to give her the name of the girl; then she can't be obliged to escalate it to 'racist incident'. But maybe they can have a chat about families and diversity (which they do lot anyway, which adds to my feeling of about the girls intentions)

Also, whilst I know its important that I don't make a big deal out of it, if dd is not bothered;

I think it is very important for her to see that she doesn't have to tolerate comments like that, that it is taken seriously and she can turn to teachers and parents to support; in case in the future she is upset by someone's stupid remarks

Fair enough, OP - I think you have to go with your gut instinct when it comes to stuff like this. I hope your "chats" go well - let us know how the mum & the school respond!

Hi- I spoke to the class teacher first, as I saw her first this morning. SHe reassured me that it wouldnt be 'escalated' into anything so I was happy to tell her the girls name as teacher said she would prefer to talk to girl directly as well as doing so circle time stuff with whole class. She is also going to talk to mum. She had the same reaction as me really; suprised at care-home reference! and suprised that it was said in the context of the school and area being very diverse with lots of mixed families; and also that this is addressed throughout school from YR- always doing stuff about 'my family' 'differences & similarities' etc etc

Spoke to mum on way home from school run. She was happy for teacher to be addressing it and thought it was a Tracy Beaker influence. She said TB is pretty awful and maybe her dd shouldnt be watching it. Ive not watched it (for years and years) to know. I always thought it was suppossed to be a positive programme bringing fostercare kidsintomainstream etc etc??

Hi glad its sorted. My dd is 8 and loves Tracey Beaker but she doesn't always fully "get" what's happening. She also reads the Jaqueline Wilson books which are a bit of an eye opener I think.

Also age 7+ is a funny age IMO. My dd has experienced some very hurtful things said to her, not about her race (she is mixed race too) but about her appearance and her family life. I think they say things to be mean and push the boundries but don't really get how hurtful it is until someone says something to them back IYSWIM! I'm sure she has said hurtful things to other kids along the way too. I always tell the teacher if its something that has genuinely upset her or even if its being said to someone else. A lot of this stuff happens at playtime and teachers aren't often aware of it until a parent brings it up.

I think you handled this well.

Maybe there's a new storyline in here for JW...?