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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to discipline without shouting?

47 replies

NotAnOstrich · 09/05/2012 16:43

I have run out of ideas on how to "discipline" my two toddlers, if that is the right word. I HATE shouting and hate myself for doing it - but am in an awful repeating habit of the children misbehaving and me yelling.

DS is 3.7 and DD 20 months. They are lovely but energetic + will often do the opposite of what is asked - taking off their shoes when we are dressed to go out and running into another room, taking all the cushions off the sofa. These are clearly minor, but I would prefer that they didn't do them. I start off asking nicely but it often descends into raised voices. Up to hitting each other etc which makes me so angry that they have hurt their sibling that I shout more quickly.

I am tired out as they are bad sleepers, and need to be more patient. What do other parents do? Ignore? Use the naughty step? Shout + wish they didn't?

AIBU to not know how to manage without shouting?

OP posts:
LadySybilDeChocolate · 09/05/2012 16:46

Get down at their level, look them in the face and use a stern tone. Don't ask nicely, you ask nicely if you want them to bring you a chocolate. You need to practice the look of 'no messing with me', you can use a mirror to do this. 3.7 is old enough to understand time out also. Wink You don't need to shout, you can be far more scary by being stern.

Sirzy · 09/05/2012 16:51

What lady said. If that doesn't work then a warning that "next time I will ...
(put you in time out/naughty step whatever you decide) and then IF needed the 3rd time follow through and do it.

Save shouting for when it's something dangerous and you need an immediate scare to get attention.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2012 16:53

Agree. Shouting is for touching hot things and running towards the road. Stern face, stern voice and no negotiating. I am a total hypocrite Grin

Catsmamma · 09/05/2012 16:54

stop asking and start telling, you are not there to negotiate, you are not there to be nice!

It'll probably get worse before it gets better as they will up the ante against the new regime, but calm and consistent and being everywhere helps!

LadySybilDeChocolate · 09/05/2012 16:55

See it as training a puppy. You have to be firm and show them that you are the boss. It's no different (apart from not talking them for walkies or feeding them dog food).

itdoesnthurttohavemanners · 09/05/2012 16:55

Agree 100% with Lady Chocolate! (it works!)

Catsmamma · 09/05/2012 16:57

i dunno about the no walkies Lady syb....I'd maybe draw the line at heelwork though :D

LindyHemming · 09/05/2012 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldGreyWiffleTest · 09/05/2012 16:57

They don't listen when you shout. Do what LadySybil said - get down to their level and, in a low stern voice, tell them. Give a warning first, tell second, time out third.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2012 17:00

My DD has reins so yy on the walkies. Is dog food worse than jar baby food?

5Foot5 · 09/05/2012 17:00

The stern voice might be more impressive if you can make it a little deeper.

BTW - when DD was that age I was always amazed how effective it was if I said "I will count to 5..." I never, ever needed to say what would happen if I got to 5 and she never asked. No matter how silly she was being we just had to say that and it seemed to shock her out of the silly behaviour and make her co-operate.

MooBaaWoofCheep · 09/05/2012 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadySybilDeChocolate · 09/05/2012 17:02

Ds is usually compliant, he likes to discuss EVERYTHING though. Sad

LadySybilDeChocolate · 09/05/2012 17:02

It's the equivalent of having an obedient dog which wants you to explain yourself before he'll stop barking. Grin

Original poster
NotAnOstrich · 09/05/2012 17:05

Thanks, some good ideas! I will try the counting to 5 5foot5 - was there a threat of eg time out if you did ever reach 5?

LadySybil I will try again with the stern voice. My l

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAnOstrich · 09/05/2012 17:06

Sorry posted too soon! My logic says to be stern, just I get a bit annoyed + shout! New regime on its way ...

OP posts:
LadySybilDeChocolate · 09/05/2012 17:08

You have to stay calm. Smile

BrainSurgeon · 09/05/2012 17:08

thanks ladies, and thanks OP for the thread, it's a question I wanted to ask too

Pandemoniaa · 09/05/2012 17:09

There was only 18 months between my dcs. I did a lot of shouting at times and felt v.bad about it so rethought my tactics and I've got to say that the day that I followed through on the threat about the Toy Library was a revelatory one.

ds1 & 2, then aged 2 and 3.5 had bickered, fought, shouted, taken shoes off, thrown them at each other and generally been awful in the car journey down to the Toy Library. I warned them in That Voice that they need to start behaving properly or we'd just drop off the toys we had borrowed and go straight home again. I gave them two warnings. They chose to ignore both. So we walked in, left the toys and walked straight out again.

Admittedly I did feel guilty as they clung to my ankles wailing "Nooooo, Mummy noooo! Please don't take us home, we'll be good now, Mummy" all the way back down the path but it was a wake-up call all round.

I'm not saying I never shouted again but they realised that if I used That Voice and gave a fair warning, the choice was theirs. Whereas all the time I shouted I got the distinct impression it just went in one ear and straight out the other.

KatieMiddleton · 09/05/2012 17:10

I ignore the small stuff and always follow through if I issue an ultimatum. I also rarely raise my voice (shouting is for when you need to be loud to be heard, not for discipline IMHO) but I do a good hissed telling off.

I also do the "I'm going to count to three and if you are still lying on the floor/refusing to put your shoes on/throwing that orange around like a ball/refusing to ear your sandwich, I will leave you behind/go without you/not get you a magazine/pack up and go home. One... two..."

Original poster
NotAnOstrich · 09/05/2012 17:16

Will look for 123magic MooBaa, thanks.

Just know that something has to change, am so worried about shouting that I wonder if I need anger management sometimes :(

Thanks for constructive ideas + not just flaming me - the children copy me shouting and I want to make things better sooner rather than later.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAnOstrich · 09/05/2012 17:17

Off to make the tea now, so not ignoring replies, will check back later on.

OP posts:
DumSpiroSpero · 09/05/2012 17:21

I'd second the counting to 5 tactic - it rarely failed with my DD, although sadly not so successful now she's nearly 8!

I remember 3 and a half-ish was a particularly trying time though, fingers crossed you'll be on a upward spiral with your eldest soon.

MadameChinLegs · 09/05/2012 17:22

I second the following through on any threats you make. Especially with the elder child.

"Laura, we are leaving in 5 minutes, put your shoes back on"
2mins later, shoes still off
"Laura, mummy has asked you nicely to put on your shoes and you haven't. If you don't put them on now then there will be no cartoons this afternoon"

No shoes on = no cartoons. And do it.

The little one will follow suit.

Try making a den out of the sofa cushions, then, when they run in and throw them around try "no, it's not den-making time, pop them back until after tea when we can build a den"

Oh, and if you are taking them somewhere nice, and they fail to do as you ask, dont take them.

Sirzy · 09/05/2012 17:23

Be carful with counting to 5.. Ds joins in with me as I count the cheeky monkey!

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