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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know how to discipline without shouting?

47 replies

NotAnOstrich · 09/05/2012 16:43

I have run out of ideas on how to "discipline" my two toddlers, if that is the right word. I HATE shouting and hate myself for doing it - but am in an awful repeating habit of the children misbehaving and me yelling.

DS is 3.7 and DD 20 months. They are lovely but energetic + will often do the opposite of what is asked - taking off their shoes when we are dressed to go out and running into another room, taking all the cushions off the sofa. These are clearly minor, but I would prefer that they didn't do them. I start off asking nicely but it often descends into raised voices. Up to hitting each other etc which makes me so angry that they have hurt their sibling that I shout more quickly.

I am tired out as they are bad sleepers, and need to be more patient. What do other parents do? Ignore? Use the naughty step? Shout + wish they didn't?

AIBU to not know how to manage without shouting?

OP posts:

KatieMiddleton · 09/05/2012 17:28

I am actually doing all of this right now. The bribe is a new DVD from the library. The defiance is refusing to put pants and trousers back on after a wee.

DS is the defiant one by the way. I have my pants on.

Mrsjay · 09/05/2012 17:33

you have to find your stern mummy voice shouty mummy doesnt get heard
its all Blah to your children and all your doing is getting yourself in a state , as others have said get down on their level and speak to them in the stern voice , and keep it short and sweet dont go into huge lectures because honestly they will switch off to you which will fustrate you even more , keep shouting for when they are likely to run off or in danger
, all this is of course hindsight i used to shout and rant like a loon It takes time to learn to calm the hell down ,

Mrsjay · 09/05/2012 17:35

and yes counting i did this with mine but you have to have a consequence to it ,

Tidypidy · 09/05/2012 17:47

I find rewards work well. My kids love stickers so I make them a little chart if they get 3 stickers they get a treat. Can be trip to the park, ice cream for pudding, anything really. I try to focus on what they're doing well rather than the naughty stuff but it can be difficult at times! We do have a naughty corner, the threat of it is usually enough. Also no story at bedtime is a useful threat! If all else fails and you can feel your anger rising then walk away for a few minutes.

KatieMiddleton · 09/05/2012 18:15

I got as far as counting to two, ds got dressed, went to the library, returned the dvd and got a new one as promised. However, if we'd got as far as counting to three there would have been no DVD.

The counting, threat and reward works surprisingly well. Ds was hard of hearing and unable to communicate very effectively until he was almost 3 years old. He's just turned three, he's able to communicate effectively with me now and I've only just discovered the counting and it really works for DS.

CalamityKate · 09/05/2012 18:57

123 Magic. Wish I'd read it years ago.

MooBaaWoofCheep · 09/05/2012 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 09/05/2012 20:11

Just realised today that DS (4) didn't realise I was 'telling him off' when I used Stern Voice because I use it all the time. Once I'd pointed out that Stern Voice and shouting meant I was v unhappy and he was getting a telling off the lip wobbled and he started crying

He's a difficult one... not a bad kid at all but seems incapable of listening.

MooBaaWoofCheep · 09/05/2012 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redwineformethanks · 09/05/2012 20:20

Be firm and consistent, let them know the consequences "If you do that again.....then ........)

always follow through with your threats, they need to know you mean business - this is really important!!

make sure your threats are realistic (eg no point in suggesting you'll take them home half way through a holiday, everyone knows you won't)

the consequences should be immediate ("We'll go home right now" not "On Saturday we won't take you swimming")

Make your consequences logical ("If you don't tidy your room, then I won't have time to read you a bed time story")

pepperrabbit · 09/05/2012 20:20

I took DD (3.5) to pre-school in her slippers after numerous petty arguments all morning counting to 3, and her still refusing to co-operate and put her shoes on.
The staff were aghast at her arriving shoeless (and coatless but I sneaked that in her bag) They tried to offer her spare shoes so she could go out to play but I said absolutely refused to authorise that, I just said "She has to learn".
She was soooo grateful when I turned up at the end of the afternoon with her shoes

amicissimma · 09/05/2012 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 09/05/2012 20:48

MooBaa - I swear testosterone has an effect on hearing.. (not even kidding)

Meglet · 09/05/2012 20:51

yanbu. I can do stern and get down to their level, it didn't work. 123 Magic didn't work either.

Mine are a bit feral though and they know they can wear me down as it's 2 against 1 . So I just shout.

sheeplikessleep · 09/05/2012 21:01

Great thread, thanks all.
I'm struggling with my 4 year old and 2 year old at the moment, they're bickering, answering me back and generally ignoring everything. With my 2 year old especially, things like brushing teeth, getting dressed, getting in car seat etc are all resorting to physical force, which I hate.
I find it hard to really do 'the voice'.

NowThenWreck · 09/05/2012 21:11

It is bastard hard. I am a shouter, but that's usually after 123, sanctions (my son just revels in his punishments. I swear, he gets right into character as the martyred child-bloody loves it) and stern zero tolerance scary voice.
Bribes work, but I won't usually go there.
He loves to argue his case, and I have learned to say "I will not argue with you" but generally, when I can't get him to listen, and I shout, he finally complies.
He is 5. I think he is going to be a politician. Or an actor. And I apologise profusely for bringing any more of those into the world.
Not helpful-sorry!

KatieMiddleton · 09/05/2012 21:15

With the teeth cleaning we have to read Peppa Pig's Dentist Trip book before any teeth cleaning will happen. It works, it's not a big deal and then I and dh if he's around have to pretend to be dazzled by the shiney bright teeth afterwards. That and a collection of toothbrushes from the latest that flashes for one minute to the Thomas-The-Tank-Engine-from-the-pound-shop one to the one with little beads in that makes more noise the more vigorously you brush. All chosen by DS as treats for other good behaviour.

BsshBossh · 09/05/2012 22:12

I actually lower my voice a few octaves and also slow it down. I also threaten to take away something (eg a favourite toy or no TV) and/or offer an incentive. I always praise good behaviour and she likes being "a good girl". I ignore all tantrums as much as I can (eg it's easier in the home than outside). DD is nearly 4. It works 90% of the time which is pretty good going in my book.

BsshBossh · 09/05/2012 22:13

I never ask nicely. I always tell her.

skybluepearl · 09/05/2012 22:44

I struggle too but have found the following works well. Stay calm and be routine with your actions every time they are challenged. Don't let your buttons be pushed. Have a no hitting rule and use time out straight away for physical violence. If both kids are hurting each other or arguing, put them both in time out in separate rooms. Remove any toys they are fighting for and tel them they can have it back when they have decided how they are going to resolve the situation fairly. Setting a timer to get things done can work a treat - ''OK, you can play with the lego for two more mins but when the timer alarm goes off you need to get ready for bed''

''James, come and put your shoes on''

''James, you need to put your shoes on now because play group is about to start and we don't want to be late'' (spoken close by and with firm eye contact)

'' Shoes on now. One, two, three. OK time out'' (firmly, calmly and simply moves child onto step or into boring room for a few mins. No attention given.)

(after a few mins, a quick calm fair overview of what happened) ''What were you doing that made me put you in time out? How do you think I feel when you don't listen to me? What will you do next time I tell you to put your shoes on?''

Original poster

NotAnOstrich · 09/05/2012 23:34

Thanks, feeling encouraged that there are other methods I can try - staying calm myself is my number one problem but I am going to make a fresh start there! Sorry not to reply to all individually but it is genuinely helpful, been pulling my hair out over it recently.

Being objective, I think I have been giving DS too much "negative" attention, long conversations about why he should/shouldn't do something. Going to try to be clearer about one specific reason for the time out, and not give in to the angry screaming.

I'm also going to try to pick my battles - seem to be saying "no" so much, don't think it is very effective any more. Fingers crossed!

OP posts:

Mrsjay · 10/05/2012 09:04

notanostrich its great you feel supported and going to try and calm down , it isnt easy especially when you feel on edge its as if you (the collective you ) are waiting for something to happen , good luck x

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