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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being unreasonable?

42 replies

StandingAlone · 09/05/2012 13:28

Yesterday I had a new friend and her DS round for lunch and a play in the garden (was nice weather for all of half an hour Hmm)
I also invited another friend and her DS's round who I have known for a bit longer. I basically want to know if how I reacted yesterday was unreasonable or not and if it was how should I handle it in future.

My new friends DS was quite horrid to my DD2 and to my other friends DS's, snatching toys, pushing, throwing wooden bricks inside the house, he even ran into the dog with the toy pushchair.

I had to remove a toy off him that he had snatched off my DD, who was actively playing with it, and give it back to her as his mum wasn't able to get him to give it back. Was I U doing that? I felt terrible for taking it off him but also felt bad for DD as well.

When we came back in, he had a huge meltdown, screaming and shouting, biting & kicking his mum. I didn't know what to do so asked if she wanted any help in calming him down, she said no, but I was unsure if I should have stepped in and helped anyway. Once he had calmed down and I had made another cuppa I thought that maybe putting the TV on for the kids for a bit would help keep him calm. It didn't work.

He then ran the toy pushchair into my dog while she was laid in the corner of the room, at which point I told him off, I didn't shout, just used my stern voice and told him not to do that as it is not very nice. His mum said nothing. Was I U for telling him off for that? I had waited a few seconds after it happened thinking his mum would say something but she didn't.

Then he started chucking bricks around the room (wooden stacking ones) at which point I thought his mum might actually step in and tell him not to, she didn't, so I did and I confess I shouted Blush
I know I am U for shouting but TBH I was fed up pissed off by this point Blush and told him not to do that. I then asked the kids to tidy the toys away, all of them helped baring my new friends DS.

So was I U to have told him off if his mum wasn't going to. Was I U for taking the toy off him that he had snatched of my DD (while she was playing with it)?

Another thing that kinda annoyed me was that his mum kept saying to him that if he doesn't do as he is told then StandingAlone will tell him off and smack him! I wouldn't have smacked him, I don't smack my DD's I certainly wont smack someone else's child. There are many other things he did that I didn't do anything about (neither did his mum).

I feel a bit horrid now that I told him off and I feel horrid for not helping my new friend when her DS was having a tantrum.

If you think I was U how do I deal with this in future as there are likely to be lots more times we get together with our DC's, and I really like my new friend she is funny, nice and kind.

Thanks for reading this far.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 09/05/2012 13:33

YANBU. If a child isn't behaving appropriately and their own parent isn't prepared to do anything it's absolutely right that someone else should.

FauxFox · 09/05/2012 13:34

How old are the children?

Lovetats · 09/05/2012 13:34

Well the son isn't funny, nice or kind so personally I'd not be inviting them again. Your poor dog!

YANBU to scold a child who's causing havoc in your home. The mum needs telling!

VolkswagenBeetle · 09/05/2012 13:35

No YANBU, but his mum was! She should have definitely dealt with it better. If that was one of my dds I would have told them off at first, then second time a warning that we would be going straight home if she didn't behave, and then third time around I would have apologised (and made her apologise) and left. I can't believe she let it get to that stage TBH. Shock

fatherchewylouis · 09/05/2012 13:36

YANBU to tell him off, as long as you gave a chance for mum to get in first (which is sounds like you did).

I would really try not to shout at someone else's child (although I do confess to shouting at my own when I lose my temper) but I can understand you reaching the shouting point based on your description of events.

She is very wrong to suggest you would smack him. I CAN sort of understand her letting you deal with it because sometimes children do behave a bit better for people they are not as familiar with, but what she said was out of order.

I would probably not have her round again any time soon tbh.

Original poster
StandingAlone · 09/05/2012 13:37

My DD 2 is almost 3, my older friends DS's are 3 and 4 and her DS is almost 4.

I felt unreasonable taking the toy back from him that he had snatched from my DD, he cried and I felt terrible Sad

OP posts:
MINIBondGirl · 09/05/2012 13:37

Your house your rules. In these situations it's often best to meet up when DC is elsewhere or you can meet at her house or at a park.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 09/05/2012 13:38

YANBU but his mum was, no wonder his behaviour is so bad if she fails to parent him properly

Im another one who wouldn't be asking them back round, maybe if you really want to meet up then a public place would be better

Original poster
StandingAlone · 09/05/2012 13:39

Thanks everyone, I think in future I will suggest going out and about with the kids instead of at my house.

I've been to her house before and he was fine there, it was his first time meeting my other friend and her DS's though. Wonder if it was down to excitement?

OP posts:
GinPalace · 09/05/2012 13:40

Not being unreasonable at all, you can't tolerate behaviour you wouldn't accept in your own children under your own roof, especially if yours are there to see it as they have to see your standards are consistent or they will wonder what the deal is, not fair on them.

That said, obviously there would be no problem if the mum had dealt with it.

For me that would be a warning bell on the friendship - even if she is amazing and lovely there is only one way it can go if her son is going to be a pain and she can't manage him, whenever you meet.

I would give benefit of doubt for it being first visit but if it looked like typical behaviour I'd cease to invite child and see if meeting her on her own in eve without kids would be way forward for friendship.

sparkle12mar08 · 09/05/2012 13:40

I wouldn't have new friend round again for a long time, sorry, and I wouldn't put up with being made to look like the bad guy either. You did absolutely the right thing in stepping in so don't feel guilty at all. Unless you're prepared to have a difficult conversation and spell out to the mum in person that you will not tolerate that kind of behaviour and you expect her to deal with it, then I think you simply have to not invite them round, because optherwise I don't think she's likely to change.

sugarice · 09/05/2012 13:40

Yanbu at all. It's your home, your dc's and your dog, poor thing Sad., thank goodness you took charge or it could have been carnage!

ripsishere · 09/05/2012 13:40

Perhaps he cried because he's not used to being parented?

fuckbucket · 09/05/2012 13:40

It's a shame if she's funny nice and kind that she's scoring a massive fat zero on parenting-in-company skills. YANBU and I don't envy you, but you're either going to have to be upfront with her and say that you don't really want to have her round for a playdate until her ds has been tamed, or skirt round the issue and only meet her/talk to her in childfree situations.

lisaro · 09/05/2012 13:42

The only bit thing that makes you unreasonable is that you didn't tell his useless stupid mother to take some responsibility for her child.

lucyellensmumnamechange · 09/05/2012 13:43

She sounds horrible, so does her son, dont ask them again

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 09/05/2012 13:44

I don't think it really matters if it was down to excitement, the real problem wasn't really his behaviour more her failure to act on it putting you in a difficult position

Original poster
StandingAlone · 09/05/2012 13:45

Oooooh I like the idea of a child free situation even more Wink Grin

I think our friendship is to 'young' for me to feel comfortable having a chat with her about it TBH. I think days out rather than in from now on and see if he is better behaved or if my friend deals with him better in a more public place. I am hoping it was just excitement on his part. My new friend said she doesn't have any friends and is lonely when her DH is working so I really don't want it to be the end of the friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
StandingAlone · 09/05/2012 13:47

I felt awful when I took the toy back from him and when I shouted I just wanted the ground to swallow me up TBH. But I was quite put out angry when she told him I would tell him off and smack him. In fact I felt like a bit of a witch. Which is why I have been worrying about it since, wondering if I was out of order in telling him off.

OP posts:
GinPalace · 09/05/2012 13:47

I've recently had a similar situation and after the child hurt my dog badly enough to make him growl, I warned friend not to let her dc be alone with my dog as I wasn't confident dog wouldn't do more than growl (usually softy but child was trying to pull his skin off)

Literally 1 minute after I said this her dc goes looking for dog who I had put out of sight in other room - I say to her to go after child, as she was between me and door, she ignored me so I had to dodge round to intervene just as my dog was running away from child, tail between legs.

The mum was standing by while her dc aggravated my dog despite me warning her it put her own child at risk of a possible bite!

She isn't coming in my house again with her child, I am not prepared to parent for her. :(

lisaro · 09/05/2012 13:48

Maybe this is the reason she doesn't have any friends.

Pandemoniaa · 09/05/2012 13:48

I used to hate being put in the position of telling off other people's children but also, I've also had an over-excited 4 year old myself and while I wouldn't have tolerated any of the behaviour you had to put up with, I might have been charitable once.

I think I'd definitely arrange for other meetings to take place outside the house though. I also hear warning bells ringing so far as this new friend not having any other friends but perhaps I'm being unreasonable in wondering whether there's a connection between her child's behaviour and her own friendless status.

SarahStratton · 09/05/2012 13:49

I'm not surprised if he behaves like that. Sorry, I'd ditch and run, I always put my DDs and the pets first in that sort of situation, no matter how uncomfortable it was.

GinPalace · 09/05/2012 13:50

strange that your new friend doesn't put her own foot down but is uses threat of smack from someone else. Hmm

Very questionable - doesn't sound like she has any confidence on her own authority to me. Proceed with caution. :)

GrahamTribe · 09/05/2012 13:51

You weren't unreasonable in the least. In the absence of the mother doing anything I would have rollocked the child for his behaviour wrt throwing things around the room and told the woman to get her brat out of my house take her child home when I caught him the pushchair into one of my pets tbh, so your reaction is nothing.

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