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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to pay for something I can't do?

43 replies

Aworryingtrend · 09/05/2012 09:11

I have received an email with an itinierary and demanding menaces requesting payment for activities for a good friend's hen weekend.

The proposed costs are far more expensive than I had anticipated which is a concern especially as our first baby is due 6 weeks after the hen do! I am not able to attend the wedding as I am due that week so I do feel obliged to attend the hen weekend.

However one of the activities is 'cocktail making'. WIBU to ask that I do not pay for this part of the weekend as I wont be taking part in the tasting etc? I know I can have 1 or 2 units when pregnant but I would rather have a glass of bubbly than cocktails which I'm not fond of anyway.

Not sure if IABU or not, I'm just trying to save costs somewhere Sad

OP posts:
YonWhaleFish · 09/05/2012 09:12

YANBU.

DogEared · 09/05/2012 09:13

YANBU
I'd skip the hen weekend too. It's going to be miserable being the sober one in the middle of all the drunkenness. If she's a good friend, she'll understand.

vix1980 · 09/05/2012 09:13

No your not at all, if shes a good friend then surely she would have guessed that you wouldnt be joining in with this part of the hen night, so she shouldnt be offended when you tell her, tbh i wouldnt even ask id just tell her that you wont be paying for something you wont be taking part in.

Tee2072 · 09/05/2012 09:13

Oh just say no to the whole thing. Hen weekends are ridiculous and stupid, especially if you're pregnant.

When is this madness going to end?!?!?

FrillyMilly · 09/05/2012 09:15

Whats the plan for the weekend? Is there a way you could miss the cocktail making? I think it would be acceptable to not pay and to miss this part but if you are going to go along then you should pay.

I have had to turn down several hen dos when they end up costing hundreds of pounds. I really hate this trend for hen dos that take up more time than the wedding. What's wrong with a nice meal and a few drinks in the nearest town centre.

vix1980 · 09/05/2012 09:16

Actually i agree with the others now i think about it, your pregnant, no doubt going to be more tired than everyone else and as someone previous said, its sh&*e being the only sober 1 amongst everyone (im 34 wks and had to spend 2 hours in a pub last week, i came home early cos i hated being the only sober 1). say you'll go for lunch or something with her instead as you wont be feeling up to a massive night out that shes probably got planned.

FoxSake · 09/05/2012 09:17

I'd Fein pregnancy illness and avoid the whole thing if I were you.

MrsLettuce · 09/05/2012 09:17

Just skip the whole thing.

Maybe you could go for a spa day or the like a couple of months after the wedding / birth.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 09/05/2012 09:18

I would say no to the whole thing and suggesting a posh high tea or something for just the two of you. Perhaps the week before the hen do so you can help her shop for an outfit etc so you still have some involvement with the actual weekend.

MrsLettuce · 09/05/2012 09:18

Charlies idea is much better than mine!

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 09/05/2012 09:19

God, you'll be knackered! I wouldn't even go, or maybe I'd just show my face for a while. Certainly wouldn't be paying for something I couldn't partake in.

jujumum78 · 09/05/2012 09:19

Hen do and stag nights are getting outrageous. DH is worrying about a wealthy friend who's just announced he's going to propose to his girlfriend because he knows there will ultimately be a stag do in Budapest, or Ibiza or Portugal etc. We can't afford a holiday ourselves. Why do people do this to their friends? I think the bride and groom should pay all expenses if they're going to choose expensive activities.

susiedaisy · 09/05/2012 09:21

YANBU op in fact I wouldn't bother going at if I were heavily pregnant, or had just had a baby!

Katienana · 09/05/2012 09:23

I wouldn't go, I have decided not to go to a hen in Centreparcs when I will be 24 wks as the activities are high ropes, canoeing, and obviously drinking on the evening. Even stuff like jacuzzi and sauna I can't join in with!! I am going to send a bottle of bubbly down instead, maybe you could do something similar?

GateGipsy · 09/05/2012 09:24

YANBU

Is it possible to just do a little bit of the hen weekend? Or ask your friend if you can do something special with her and her husband, maybe take them out to lunch or something when they get back from honeymoon? With only six weeks to go are you really going to be able to do much at all? It was asking a lot to get me to waddle to the train station at that point!

PassTheTwiglets · 09/05/2012 09:24

I think you should give it a miss too but, just for info, they do non-alcoholic cocktail making too at these sessions. I was on a hen night where at least 4 of the party did the alcohol-free ones. But yes, I wouldn't go anyway...

wolvesarejustoldendaydogs · 09/05/2012 09:25

You'll be pretty tired by then. If it's local, ask if you can just pop over for one of the days. If it involves a long journey, I'd skip it. But then DC3 was born a month early, so I'd be a bit cautious of travel in the last month or two.

upahill · 09/05/2012 09:26

I love hen do's and girls weekends doing this type of stuff but I have no problem saying 'no I can't make that one' if it is something I don't want to do.
No one has every fallen out with me over it!

YANBU

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 09/05/2012 09:27

I agree that you probably have the option of making non alcoholic cocktails, you should find out where you are going and have a look at their information.

If you go and you are going to be there for the cocktail making, even if you don't drink any, then you should pay. I think you'd be better off not going at all tbh, because if it's a whole weekend then the costs will be based on everyone attending. I don't think it's fair for you to pick and choose the bits you want to pay for, it's all or nothing with this type of weekend.

yomellamoHelly · 09/05/2012 09:27

You could look on it as a last bit of fun before your baby arrives. Could be a long time before you get the chance to do that kind of thing again...... (But can understand your reservations.)

MINIBondGirl · 09/05/2012 09:31

I'd skip the weekend as well. Just tell a porkie and avoid all the hassle...

Tee2072 · 09/05/2012 09:33

Why lie? Just be honest!

"I'm very pregnant, I'm very broke and I'll be bored out of mind. I love you loads go have fun!"

Maybe if more of us said 'this is a stupid idea' to things we don't enjoy others would speak up and admit they don't enjoy them either!

marshmallowpies · 09/05/2012 09:35

I didn't go to a friends hen in Feb for similar reasons - dressing up in fancy dress & going clubbing is not my thing at all aged 35 and being heavily pregnant meant I had good reason not to go!

I did go to the wedding itself when even more pregnant but at least there I could find somewhere to sit or go out for fresh air which might not be possible in a club or bar.

Mosman · 09/05/2012 09:38

I wouldn't go, my baby was 4 weeks old when I last went on a hen do and I was throughly miserable, not on the same page at all as the other hen's and had to listen to Natalie Umbrulio perform as if it couldn't get any worse.

Original poster
Aworryingtrend · 09/05/2012 09:39

Thanks all for your input. The bride-to-be doesnt know what the proposed activities are (her bridesmaids are organising it) and tbh I think she would be mortified if she knew what it was costing. The other gem in the email was that we should pay for te bride to be!

I feel obliged to attend at least part of the weekend as I wont be going to the weding. Sadly its not local- its a 4 hour drive from home!!!

I dont know what to do! Perhaps attending aprt of it would be best- there is another activity in the morning so I could go for that then lunch then DH could drive us home (PILs live 40mins from where hen weekend is so he could go there for day). Do you think thats reasonable?

OP posts: