to not want to pay for something I can't do?

[Aworryingtrend]

I have received an email with an itinierary and demanding menaces requesting payment for activities for a good friend's hen weekend.

The proposed costs are far more expensive than I had anticipated which is a concern especially as our first baby is due 6 weeks after the hen do! I am not able to attend the wedding as I am due that week so I do feel obliged to attend the hen weekend.

However one of the activities is 'cocktail making'. WIBU to ask that I do not pay for this part of the weekend as I wont be taking part in the tasting etc? I know I can have 1 or 2 units when pregnant but I would rather have a glass of bubbly than cocktails which I'm not fond of anyway.

Not sure if IABU or not, I'm just trying to save costs somewhere

If you feel you really must go to part of it than that sounds like a good compromise. Yes.

Hen nights sound absolutely hell on earth. I'd say I was feeling really tired lately and didn't feel up to it. You've got a good excuse!

Not sure why everyone's so anti hen do. I went on a hen weekend and was one of two sober pregnant women in the midst of a load of nice friendly drunks, we all had a fab time, and they continued having a fab time long after I'd gone to bed! If the company's good it won't matter if you're not drinking, and presumably there'll be a fair bit of sobriety during the daytime. You shouldn't have to pay for the cocktails though.

You have no obligation to do anything you don't want to do.
I don't get why you think that.

Sure she is a good friend but all you have to say is 'OMG! So sorry Can't do that!' (if you want to sound lilke me that is!!)

The distance alone would put me off when pregnant tbh. Send a bottle or 2 and wish them well.

Don't go. As someone who has just organised a hen do there's nothing more annoying then someone dropping out at the last minute or going when they don't really want to be there! Organising these events is a nightmare. I'm sure the person in charge would appreciate you being up front about it.

You sound very nice are being very reasonable but on balance I wouldn't go and would explain to your friend and do something else with her. You could treat her and still be much less than the hen trip would have been.

Agree with noidontwant2 as well.

I don't think there's anything wrong with all the hens chipping in for the bride, that sounds perfectly normal to me.

It's what I've done when I've organised hen nights, and my hens did it for me, although the cost of the hen night was only £70 and that included everything (hotel, spa, dinner, breakfast, nightclub) except drinks. Then I bought a couple of bottles of champagne for everyone.

Oh, and I think it woudo be reasonable to just go for part of the day, but you need to speak to the organiser ASAP, as she has probably worked out prices for everyone else based on you attending the whole thing.

Don't go at all. It'll be mind numbingly boring being stone cold sober among a load of drunken hens - I can't think of anything worse!

Very good idea re: your plan of partly attending, but as Outraged said, let the organisers know ASAP.

Of course the hens cover the bride-to-be

I'd rather go along and sit on the sidelines here and there than drop out completely, but then I can't see that a hen party would be any more taxing that working in a manual job or running around after toddlers when pregnant. It would depend on how good a friend the bride was tbh, too. Before anyone leaps on me I'll admit that I've only had one child, and the pregnancy was pretty straightforward; I appreciate that not everyone has it easy.

The money thing is something else entirely; if you can't afford it then you need to let the organisers know. You won't be the only one struggling if what they're planning is OTT.

I agree with the others - sounds like waste of time, money and energy on your part. Just be honest, tell the bride to me that much as you would love to be there you are just not feeling up to hen weekend antics and you can do something another time just the two of you. She will understand and let's face it, at least she wont have to be worrying about you the whole time :)

I also agree that hen/stag do's are getting beyond a joke. Fine if people can afford it, but increasingly they can't. Allowing bridesmaids/best men etc to plan them without the full knowledge and approval of what they will involve by the bride/groom is asking for trouble really, they go over the top spending other peoples money and then get annoyed when they decide they can't go or afford it.

You are best out of it OP, then spend your money on yourself and your wellbeing. I know you can't attend the wedding, but that's life. Real good friends accept these things and still remain your friends.

YANBU, I just wouldn't go

You shouldn't feel obliged to go; if the bride is a true friend she will understand!

I agree with the others about not being under any obligation to go but if you feel you must show your face then your compromise sounds reasonable (although a 4 hour drive for the day at 34 weeks pregnant sounds hellish personally).

I disagree with the majority in that I think if the bride/groom wants an extravagant hen/stag do then its absolutely their prerogative to do so, BUT, under the proviso that their is no hard feelings or pressure if someone can't or doesn't want to go for any reason (no "good excuse" required).

If people can be grown up enough about accepting people won't be able to or want to make it then do whatever they want (if that makes sense)