To be awake and quietly fuming

[cerealqueen]

DP went to a gig tonight. left house at 5pm We have. 2 dds, one 3.5, one is six months and is Ill with cough\cold, having a growth spurt so feeding non stop, plus, we have been having a terrible time trying to get her to sleep, she will wake up to to four times after we have settled her for the night. Tonight was same,ended up going to bed with her as I feed her to sleep. I had to get her up with me at one stage while I cooked some food or she would have screamed house down. I am having a shit time frankly (have posted previously ) Even once I go to bed, am up 3/4 times with Dd2, has been like this since birth, am so miserable with sleep deprivation but that is another thread.

Woke at 1.15, house quiet, no DP. go downstairs to check phone, no messages, nothing. holding phone as intend to bring it to bed and send him a where the F* are you text, and looking in bag to get keys to lock front door, manage to phone somebody, as hear voices. Press cancel and check phone and realise have phoned DP, at least he is not lying in a ditch.

Just seen he has updated his Facebook but not once did he text to say how are you getting on or ask after Dd or say he'd be late home.

Home now with his brother in tow who is down to see gig. got a bloody black cab home though we are stony broke.

AIBU to be pissed off not to just get one text saying 'how is it going tonight'? Or even, don't worry, l will be very late?

be totally sweet and light, ask lots of questions about how good it was, be really pleased to see them, ask if they need anything before you go back to bed, say "i must get some sleep, as DD keeps waking, be lovely about it tomorrow ,

because when you go on a well earned night out soon, he cannot moan about having to deal with what ever the dds throw at him,

oh and when you do go out text him up dates and then he might learn how to behave towards people who care about him and cover his back(look after his children)

I'm up here feeding dd so have not spoken to them. Not sure I have the patience at moment to be so sweet . Just think even if he doesn't give a shit how I am, he should ask about Dd2.

am really knackered now so will check back in morning. can't go too ballistic as we have Bil staying.

Is he normally like this or is this out of character?

FWIW I'm awake listening to my stbxh stumbling around down stairs vomiting after his 5th night out in a row. We have a 7yo and 18month old who hasn't slept well for the last 6 months. I am dizzy and sick with sleep deprivation. I sure as hell couldn't manage the sweetness and light thing

YANBU. Selfish and insensitive behaviour. Drives me mad that men can switch their family off so easily.

YANBU, drives me mad when my DH behaves like this. Thankfully not too often, he usually texts or phones if he's going to be late and it's usually work-related socialising (yes, I trust him).

The problem is that, as you are the one dealing with the baby, your DP is never going to really understand how you feel re. tiredness etc and what that entails. Even if you go out for a night, dads can muddle through and still won't "get it". This is a recent realisation of mine!

More effective than ranting and raving is the "silent disappointment" treatment. Don't go on about it, just say once, calmly, that you were worried about him and would have appreciated a text. Then call in a favour - get him to hold the baby this evening whilst you get an early night or have a nice bath. Say that you are exhausted from dealing with your baby by yourself - even if they can't do anything practical, the moral support from another human being is very important (usually). The weight of reponsibility all on one person is very tiring in itself (ask single parents).

The next thing you should do is book yourself a spa treatment or shopping trip, or even a meal with a friend, on a day when your DP can take the DCs. You need a break - be kind to yourself. And if your baby can't/won't take a bottle...they will still be fine, they might just scream for a bit and your DP will have to deal with that.

BTW, I am replying at 5am having just fed poorly baby DS (DC2) back to sleep for the 3rd or 4th time tonight, so do know how you feel, OP! Actually DC2 isn't too bad, but his big sister was a nightmare for wanting to be fed to sleep and held. It is difficult and you have my sympathies.

I am not sure where I stand on this. We are all entitled to a night off once in a while, I hope you manage to do the same.

However, the sleep situation with your DD sounds like a bloody nightmare. Humans need sleep. Have you tried Gina Ford? I have not, so it is not a recommendation, but it might be worth looking into.

Cq - I understand, I really do. Ds is 8 months and has now settled into a pattern of 4 wakings, it was more. Although this week he has decided tgat 5am is getting up time and I have a 4 yr old dd who has only just started (mostly) sleeping through.

How is dp tge rest of tge time ? Do you get lie in and support normally? Everything feels/looks worse in tge middle of tge night. You are at a tough point. I remember do and mum saying they didn't know how I was doing it.

So you feel forgotten about, like he didn't think of you or tge dc at all whilst he was out. You wouldn't have been able to do it you would have wanted regular updates. If he's not normally like this then I think you should cut him some slack tbh. You are exhausted and just making it through each day you don't need a fight but you do need some tlc.

DP and BIL have taken DD to pre-school. Not spoken to him really. I did ask if gig was good, he said it was, and I said I saw his facebook status.

We were on cool terms before this as we had a bad night Sunday. He suggested we leave DD to cry. (subtext - he wanted to watch Homeland as she will, on occasion, be rocked to sleep but it can take 20 mins.) He has always said this, even with DD1, so have to say, no, not advised. We have sleep books, am always seeking advice. He tells me about a random woman whose has a 26 year old who she left to cry and who was quite hurt when he said it was not the done thing. He does nothing to find out about stuff, its always up to me, doesn't even seek advice from his own sister but will repeat advice from a random woman he met at work. Pissed me off big time. I feel like he provides childcare but does not do any 'parenting'??? That must be why he/ others like him can switch off.

They were talking really loudly so had to tell them to keep quiet at 3.30am, BIl apologised, he hasn't. They are both very hungover.

He has form for going out and going AWOL, I'd wake at some ungodly hour and no word from him so would be texting and he'd be in a cab or a nightbus . I say, just let me know where you are but he doesn't get it.

We all need a night out but that was 8 hours of inconsiderate silence. He knew DD2 grizzly all day and have been at wits and as he was working from home yesterday.

I do get lies in at weekend and when he is home - he is great like that, but then, as he says to everybody, he sleeps great, never wakes at all so that is as it should be!

They are back - will update again.

I think you need 8 hours off. Phone your friends and go out and let your hair down.

I know I need some time off but DD2 is EBF - we never got into giving bottle as DP works evenings a lot - i then got stressed about finding time to express and give the bottle and in the end gave up.

I'm supposed to be out at a hen night this Saturday, not sure how long DD2 wil go without a feed though and as she has been ill, have not really been pushing any solids on her as she is so full of cold.

last night and today's silence making me realise how miserable I am. I've just taken my engagement ring off. Don't feel like anybody's beloved right now.
DP bought me a slanket for my birthday. Not any old slanket, a heated slanket. Plus a book on making bread - we have a bead maker and I don't have time for that, let alone making the one food item that requires time.
.

cereal how do you feel about formula feeding?

I do not want to put any pressure on you about this, or suggest it is the only way to make things better

But you sound really exhausted and fed up-for your sanity, would you consider ff so you can really hand over to 'd'p for a good length of time and get a break?

i dont have useful advice i doubt-i am divorcing my useless husband. But I do know that sleep deprivation should not be under rated. It is used as torture! You need to get some sleep to be able to assess your relationship properly

TBH I wouldn't expect DH to phone me when he was on a night out. I never phone him. But then again, he wouldn't be on facebook either. I think it is a bit of a non-issue but you are tired and stressed with EBF and that is making you, in my personal opinion, a little bit unreasonable. Sorry!

Um...Ive just googled what a slanket is. Did you want one??

Go on your hen night! You may feel too nackered but build up to it by having lots of daytime naps this week. have you anyone else other than DP who can babysit?

If DD2 is post 6 months then I didn't think there was anything wrong with formula. I may be missing something but i thought the guidelines were ebf until 6 months? I wouldnt think that at that stage one noght off will mean the end of bf. But it's up to you.

As for the not phoning, maybe he thought you'd be asleep and didnt want to disturb you?

I didn't expect him to phone, but to text, yes, given DD2 ill, evenings are horrendous and I'm at the end of my tether, especially when he has time to update Facebook.

I know the lack of sleep is turning me into a demon.

bejeesus (BTW love the name, my Dad used to say it all the time when exasperated)
DD2 6 months today, planned to breastfeed as long as DD2 wants it - am introducing a cup and solids will help. Dont want to battle with a bottle for one night.

Once I know she isn't hungry, plan to sleep train PU/PD or gradual retreat.

DP bought me a heated slanket - it made me feel like an old woman (sad)

SIL babysat once and had a horrendous time as DD2 woke and could not be settled, so won't ask her until we know DD2 is more likely to sleep.

thanks for replies everybody - not often i need to post like that in middle of night. I'm half envious at his ability to walk out of the house and not give a toss.

I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time, OP.

On the text issue - No, I wouldn't expect one - if somebody's on a night out, they should be able to do that. If their child is that ill, then surely they wouldn't go? A cold, although it's miserable, isn't serious.

Do you and your partner agree on the way to parent your children or do you overrule him when you don't agree with what he proposes? I'm asking about the 'crying to sleep'. Some people hate it and some swear by it. If you're not on the same page about it then you're going to have to talk and come to some kind of agreement. It would be a disaster to your relationship if your partner feels inhibited to parent in the way that he wants to.

You sound completely sleep-deprived. I think your partner should take care of the children and let you get some rest. That's why I think you might need to back off a little and let him parent - or you'll be lumbered with it and it won't be any joy at all.

Has his brother gone home now? Can you ask him to sit and talk with you to resolve this in a non-confrontational way? Maybe get some sleep first - with him looking after the children.

Sorry op but why would you expect him to text?
When my DH goes out, maybe once a month, I go to bed when I'm tired. If I wake up in the night and he is not home then I expect he is having a good time.
On my nights out, I do not call or text, unless I am staying at a friends for the night.
I don't understand what you wanted him to text?

And if he did text "I'm going to be really late, having a good time, how are you and DCs" what would you have replied?
Something along the lines of "I'm so tired, been up 3/4 times already, nightmare evening"?

And then you would have been upset if he didn't come straight home.

If he is not doing this on a regular basis and is there most of the time for bedtimes, crying, illness etc, then surely he can have 1 night off?

You said you have a hen night coming up, go and enjoy.

This isn't a one-off, FarSide, he has previous.

Previous for what, going out once a month?

Don't we all do that

I just dont know WHAT he should have texted.
Whatever he texted would have upset the op, no?

Thanks again all, upshot is I'm having a horrible time, Dd2 Ill, cranky, nighttimes are a nightmare with two of us on hand, just wanted, NEEDEd support, not for him to come home but just ask how i was getting on and instead he did his usual of going out and silence on his part for 8 hours. I'm at my wits end on so many counts.

If he had texted "are you ok" what would you have replied?

Maybe he is silent because he knows you are sulking. He's letting you get it over first.

Hopefully, he's helping out with the kids. If he's not, he should be.

I would have expected a text after you accidentally rang him but didn't say anything. Surely he should have checked you are ok because of that call.

But I don't think I would have expected a text under normal circumstances. He might have woken you or DD when he knows you obviously need sleep.

But I do think you sound exhausted and in need of some help. I would try and explain to him how you're feeling because it'll just fester into major resentment other wise.

Hope you get some sleep soon x