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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that once a partner has been unfaithful, the relationship?

52 replies

StuckintheBellJar · 08/05/2012 19:29

I'm genuinely confused as to why people try to work at it after infidelity has taken place? Don't get me wrong, for those who try this I genuinely hope it works. I really do.

I just don't think it can. Once the trust is gone, it's gone. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 08/05/2012 19:30

Ok, title should read 'the relationship is over?'

Idiot woman I am!

OP posts:
CrispyCod · 08/05/2012 19:35

I'd agree the 'original' relationship would be over but a new one would begin. New and different to what it was. Whether it works out depends on the circumstances really.

imnotmymum · 08/05/2012 19:37

Sometimes infidelity happens for a reason and it can be a big wake up call for people in relationship. Trust will need to be built and I believe that it depends the time the relationship as been going on, kids etc. And depends on degree of infidelity.

squeakytoy · 08/05/2012 19:38

YABU. Plenty of people work through it, and go on to have much stronger marriages with a lot more respect for each other.

chipsandmushypeas · 08/05/2012 19:39

I'm guessing you've never been through it yourself, OP?

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 08/05/2012 19:40

I've been cheated on, yes.

OP posts:
DPrince · 08/05/2012 19:40

I don't think I could but know people who have. One friend said that she genuinely believed he regretted ir (he confessed with in days she had no idea) and she didn't feel that she wanted to walk away having been with jim for 12 years. The way she viewed is that he had made a massive mistake, bur it wasn't worth ending their marriage over. The trust took a long time to get back, but they are happy and she hasn't regretted it.
I don't think anyone can say 100% what they would do Tbh, unless they have done if. I have been cheated on and ended it, but that was boyfriends when I was a teen. I have been married 10 years this year and do get where she is coming from, all i can say is i don't think i could. If it happened more than once i am sure as i can be that i couldn't forgive. I pretty sure if my friends husband did it again, he would be gone and he knows that. I can also say i know he (quite rightly) felt genuinely disgusted with himself and felt almost privileged (his words) that she forgave him. I think each instance has its own circumstances.

AThingInYourLife · 08/05/2012 19:40

YABU

There are some very smart, kind women on MN who are living proof that you are wrong.

Birdsgottafly · 08/05/2012 19:40

It's personal choice.

People make mistakes/do stupid things, it doesn't mean that they will do it again.

chipsandmushypeas · 08/05/2012 19:41

Probably because everyone is different, as is their situation so it's hard to judge. I don't know what I would do if someone cheated on me, especially with dcs. It a tough one. I definitely can see why some people stay and some go.

Mosman · 08/05/2012 19:43

I had one boyfriend, my first who was unfaithful, I forgave him, he did it again.
Lesson learnt, no way would I have back a cheating husband.

Dinosaurhunter · 08/05/2012 19:43

Yabu I used to be very black and white about affairs but my opionion completly changed when my best friend had a affair , it was so heartbreaking to watch especially as I knew she DID love her husband , anyway they are very happy now ( this happened 3 years ago)

akaemmafrost · 08/05/2012 19:44

YANBU.

catgirl1976 · 08/05/2012 19:45

YABU - people are all different. I don't think it is ever easy but there are cirucmstances where it can be done (thankfully)

But hard, very hard to get the trust back.

summerintherosegarden · 08/05/2012 19:46

I recently found out that the husband of one of the most solid and loving couples I know - who have been married for about 25 years - cheated on his wife about 10 years back. I would never have guessed this and tbh it made me start to think very differently about infidelity.

I had always thought that I couldn't bear it if DH cheated on me and I would have to leave him, but now I think perhaps life without him would be worse than life with him knowing he had been unfaithful, as long as it only happened once and he was truly, genuinely sorry.

I hope you find peace with whichever decision you choose.

QueenMaeve · 08/05/2012 19:47

I would feel the same op. I know I could never let it lie. I can hold my hands up and say I'd be far too petty to not drag it up at every argument. Fair play to anyone who can give it a go afterwards.

EclecticShock · 08/05/2012 19:48

It's personal choice, which can be confusing when you don't agree with it but that's life.

doormat · 08/05/2012 19:48

i think it depends on the type of affair..... if it was a quickie whilst drunk after the pub i would flip but if it was a deep emotional and sexual affair i would be devastated....

i caught my ex hubby...arse bobbing up and down... at it and it finished there and then

McHappyPants2012 · 08/05/2012 19:52

i wouldn't continue with the relationship as i couldn't forgive and forget and I would bring it up in every arguement. For me the relationship just wouldn't work.

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 08/05/2012 19:55

To me, it's a declaration that you do not love your partner. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm no spring chicken, I've cheated and been cheated on. I've watched many other couples go through this, I've never seen happiness result.

OP posts:
titfortat · 08/05/2012 19:56

The way I feel at the moment about it, is that it would all depend on the circumstances. I feel that I wouldn't be able to trust him, and that I would lose respect for him (and I would probably feel he no longer had respect for me to be able to do it). I can't see how a relationship could come back from that.

Saying that though, who knows for sure until you're in that situation.

bowerbird · 08/05/2012 19:56

I'm with imnot on this. It doesn't have to spell the end of the relationship, not at all.

It would depend if the infidelity was a one-off (which happens for all kinds of reasons) or if it was some second long-term relationship, involving a whole world of deceit (the latter of which imo, IS unforgiveable)

chickydoo · 08/05/2012 19:57

What a sad world it would be if no one ever forgave anyone for a mistake.

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 08/05/2012 19:59

It's not the forgiveness I have a problem with. It would indeed be a sad world if nobody could forgive. It's the taking back a partner who clearly does not love you.

OP posts:
bowerbird · 08/05/2012 20:02

OP, but as other posters have pointed out - it doesn't mean "that you do not love your partner". You can love someone very deeply and yet be sexually drawn to another. It happened to my best friend, who was feeling old and past it. A flirtation got out of hand for one thrilling evening, and then she came to her senses. Fortunately, she was wise enough to not tell her husband.