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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that once a partner has been unfaithful, the relationship?

52 replies

StuckintheBellJar · 08/05/2012 19:29

I'm genuinely confused as to why people try to work at it after infidelity has taken place? Don't get me wrong, for those who try this I genuinely hope it works. I really do.

I just don't think it can. Once the trust is gone, it's gone. AIBU?

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 08/05/2012 20:03

Cheating doesn't always mean that they don't love you or can't love you again. Love can be tested and pushed to its limits. Every situation is different, it's not black and white. Fwiw, I would probably not give him another chance but I can't say for sure until I'm presented with the situation.

imnotmymum · 08/05/2012 20:04

bower not necessarily sexual sometimes emotionally drawn to another so it is like cheating.

Aribura · 08/05/2012 20:07

I honestly don't think you can claim to love someone and then have sex with someone else behind their back. A mistake is snapping something mean when you're angry. Not consciously meeting someone, getting aroused, undressing yourself, undressing them, foreplay and then having sex with them.

Original poster
StuckintheBellJar · 08/05/2012 20:07

I have to admit, I can't see how anybody can cheat on somebody they loved.

OP posts:
Aribura · 08/05/2012 20:08

"You can love someone very deeply and yet be sexually drawn to another." But that does not mean you ACT on it.

bowerbird · 08/05/2012 20:08

OP I ask these questions sincerely:

Do you not recognise that there is love. And then there is sex. The two don't always go together. So again, it doesn't necessarily mean the end of love (though sometimes of course it is a symptom of just that).

Sometimes it's just a rash, stupid mistake fuelled by too much alcohol, or life in a war zone, or death of a loved one.

Have you never had a meaningless f**k?

thebody · 08/05/2012 20:09

No one knows what goes on in any relationship. Anyone can cheat and anyone can be cheated on under some circumstances.

Relationships can become stronger or die, don't judge it's all personal choice and circumstances.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 08/05/2012 20:13

I could never take my ex back, even if he wanted it (which he doesn't, he's now with his OW) but he had an affair for 6 months, said that at the start he wanted it to just be an affair and to stay married, but it didn't take long before it was obvious the love had died and I eventually (through prying) found out about the OW. Maybe it would be different if it had been a one off and he actually regretted it...

LeQueen · 08/05/2012 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Junebugjr · 08/05/2012 20:17

I think I could just about forgive a pissed up one night stand.

But a full blown emotional and sexual affair which has taken up family resources - time and money etc, as well as the deceit, no fecking way. Personally, I know I'd be bringing it up in every argument, and would literally feel like killing him. I can't get into the mindset of anyone who would take someone back after either, no judgement at all, just that the emotions must be awful to go through to come out the other side.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/05/2012 20:22

Have said before on these types of thread, that I think love ebbs and flows. Couples can go through patches where the love isn't at its strongest because of all sorts of pressures and I think it's then that a person is vulnerable to the temptation of an affair. While they are actually in the throws of that affair, then I agree that they do not feel proper love for their spouse/partner. In the middle of the affair they are too selfish and caught up in the excitement to love and value anybody, bar themselves.

I do however think it is possible for the love to come back, for someone to be truly sorry and to fully comprehend what they risked losing and so never do it again.

I think a 'one off' is different from serial adultery. If someone continually cheats, then they don't love their partner. If you do it once, you genuinely might not know the level of pain it causes, but once you do know, and you see the level of devastation it causes, if you choose to do it again then you are sending a clear message that you don't love your partner.

bowerbird · 08/05/2012 20:24

karma you are very wise indeed.

pumpkinsweetie · 08/05/2012 20:28

I can see why people forgive and go on to have happy relationships after an affair but if it were me i couldn't do it but thats just it, my opinion.
I believe there can be circumstances as to why people cheat and each situation is different so i would never judge

SpaghettiTwirlerAndProud · 08/05/2012 20:29

Not nessecerily, I know of a couple, the H had an affair, so W did too (on agreement of H) ended up pregnant (!) with the OMs baby, her H brings up the child as his own. I was confused when I met them for the first time, they are a white couple and the child is black! (or coloured? Not sure of PC term).

This was around 8 years ago and they are still very happy together.

imnotmymum · 08/05/2012 20:30

karma so agree

lou2321 · 08/05/2012 20:31

I don't think anyone can realistically rule it out as it would depend on the situation.

Me and DH are really happy so if he did something now - say a drunken one night stand he would be out the door. Maybe if we were having problems then I could possibly be more understanding (I am still not sure though). My parents have both had affairs in the 40 years they have been together, both were during really bad times but they never placed blame as in their situation they were both to blame so they have worked through things and are still together.

I have a friend that has recently got married and said she would never leave her DH even if he had an affair. He is a complete arse, walks all over her and I totally wouldn't trust him. To me that is unreasonable from the other angle!

ledkr · 08/05/2012 20:42

I have seen friends go through infidelity and always kept an open mind as to what i would do.
When it did happen I initially threw h out. As the shock set in and I contemplated my future without the only man id ever known and had been with for 18 yrs had 4 children and a major illness with,i decided that maybe i could forgive him.
We attempted to make it work for a couple of weeks but I just couldnt do it.
I no longer trusted him or ever would.

My ds's knew what he had done (they told me) and i was afraid id lose their respect and that they couldnt live with their Dad.

I spent every waking minute checking my appearance,applying make up and doing my hair.I wanted to look permanently lovely so he wouldnt cheat again.

I imagined him doing it again and that it would hurt twice as much.

I didnt respect or like him anymore.

It finally came down to this.
If we stayed together I had many hurdles to get over.

If we split up all i needed to do was get over him.

I am however still open minded about others choices,it simply wasnt for me.

ApocalypseThen · 08/05/2012 20:43

Do you not recognise that there is love. And then there is sex. The two don't always go together.

The sex is only part of the problem. The real problem, I think, is the carelessnss towards the relationship. If you really loved someone, cared about their feelings and respected them, how could you cheat? It's hurtful, it's a betrayal, it's letting someone else into a private and sacred space.

Have you never had a meaningless fk?

In life, yes. While in a relationship, no. It wouldn't be meaningless. Even if it means nothing to you, it will probably mean something to your partner. Isn't that meaning enough?

sensuallettuce · 08/05/2012 20:44

If my present DP was unfaithful to me I would feel like it was broken irritrievably. I cannot imagine being with anyone else.

But we were both unfaithful in past relationships - so in a way this is our final chance to get it right.

LeQueen · 08/05/2012 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/05/2012 20:57

I also think that whether a relationship comes back from an affair is very much dependent on the character of the betrayed partner. Some people are very good at drawing a line under something and moving on. For other people, they can patch things up, because they genuinely want to forgive and get over it, they know their partner is truly sorry, but it is always a little bit broken - not enough to throw away the relationship, but enough that they will never totally rebuild the trust.

ledkr · 08/05/2012 20:58

lequeen Thats exactly how i would have been which is why it was easier to end it.
I remember telling my Mum id decided to call it quits and she said
"you could never have relaxed ever again and been yourself,you'd have always been trying"
That was exactly it.

He is still with the ow so im sure it wouldnt have ended.

I do live in fear it will happen again though.Although I trust dh I also know the reality is that it does happen to me. My bubble has been burst Sad

Joiningthegang · 08/05/2012 21:05

I used to think that. Until it happens you have no idea at all what you would do. My eh had an affair for 7 months and I had no idea. He told me expecting it to be over, but I thought we deserved to try. We had 3 children.

It was a wake up call and we are so much stronger now we have worked through it.

No one would have guessed he would have done it ( I barely believed it myself), surprisingly our friends forgave him as much as I did.

Never say you would or wouldn't do something - life is not black and white.

Our mutual annoyance of the relate woman helped pull us back together!

ledkr · 08/05/2012 21:14

Haha joining about the relate woman Grin

I certainly dont think i did it the right way,it was just ok for me.I had a good job,lots of friends and 3 ds's who were able to help me with childcare for dd who was 8 months at the time. Its not as easy for some people and not necessarily the way forward for everyone.

McHappyPants2012 · 08/05/2012 21:28

if you loved someone you wouldn't want to hurt them

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