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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be freaking out a little...

27 replies

Softlysoftly · 08/05/2012 13:42

...ok so I took DD (2.5) out of nursery as she hated it, MIL wanted to care for her, DD wanted to go to MILS and we could barely afford it anyway.

My only reservations were their house isn't child proofed I agreed to let her go there on the ABSOLUTE AGREEMENT that she be watched at all times and some basic safety changes were made.

This has been working ok up until today when I was working from their upstairs office, MIL comes running in saying she can't find DD Shock but then tries to play it down saying they are playing hide and seek as she sees my reaction Angry. Obviously I didn't believe a bloody word, freak out, shout DD and eventually find her in my SIL's room, on the bed climbing up to a wide open window (2nd floor), swallowable things, wires, scissors, all sorts within easy reach and a key in the door she could turn to shut herself in. Cue me doing my nut at DD for coming upstairs alone (and sneaking past the office door), and very restrainabley telling MIL this wasn't ok (blood on tongue).

I am now freaking out, i'm 8 months pregnant, have a week left at work, have agreed to go back to work quite quickly on the basis I could work without having to put a baby into a nursery and having it with one carer but if they can't watch one toddler how the hell will they keep 2 safe?!

DH is on his way back from a funeral so haven't told him yet, but I anticipate absolute ballistics on his arrival as he is far less nice to his parents than I am.

So AIBU to be freaking out about childcare and re-evalutaing the whole situation? Can these "one offs" happen and i'm being too dramatic??

OP posts:
Debsbear · 08/05/2012 13:44

YANBU to reevaluate the situation, but would a stair gate solve the problem?

Callisto · 08/05/2012 13:45

I think you are overreacting tbh. And if your husband is going to have a shit fit at your MIL (who was providing free childcare) then perhaps you shouldn't tell him.

ripsisherethecheekycunt · 08/05/2012 13:46

I agree with Debs. Stairgate and door alarm thing that peeps when the contact is broken.

SkinnyMalinkiLongLegs · 08/05/2012 13:47

One offs do happen but it only takes one thing to cause serious injury.

Could you not buy a stair gate and help to make the house more child friendly.

If your MiL is doing you a favour I think YAB a little U.

DottyDot · 08/05/2012 13:49

I think you're overreacting a little bit.... you can't watch toddlers at all times - what about when your MIL is making lunch/on the loo etc. It's impossible - as it is for all of us. So yes, some practical measures like stair gates, which you could pay for and install, would be good and give you some reassurance. I wouldn't tell DH - there's not much to tell really - your dd was fine and all's well. If your MIL is essentially doing you a favour, you're getting free childcare and your dd is happy, I'd leave it at that, with the possible addition of something like a stair gate.

catgirl1976 · 08/05/2012 13:49

Your MIL is providing free child care so you are being U.

Not U to be panicked / shocked but you need to take a deep breath, realise that this was an accident and put some safety measures in place.

Going off on one at your MIL (or getting your DH to do the same) will not help anyone

FunnysInLaJardin · 08/05/2012 13:50

these things do happen, or at least they do in our house with DS2 who is 2.3. I think that if your DH is 'far less nice to his parents' than you are, perhaps it is in everyone's interest that you find an alternative. You both sound like nightmares TBH, not to mention ungrateful

imnotmymum · 08/05/2012 13:52

Things happen, I know something only has to happen once, but things happen. IMO you should pay to get some basic safety stuff for her house and do remeber she has bought up children before who lived to tell the tale !

FunnysInLaJardin · 08/05/2012 13:52

also think at 2.5 children are far more sensible than you give them credit for. We got rid of our stairgate months ago and DS2 happily wanders round the house without getting into too much trouble

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 08/05/2012 13:53

YEs. mostly what funnys said.

diddl · 08/05/2012 13:53

Just out of interest, what took MIls attention away long enough for your daughter to go upstairs?

I think YABU-it´s free childcare.

Do you constantly follow your daughter/sit with her when you look after her?

How will you cope with toddler & baby when it happens?

ohforfoxsake · 08/05/2012 13:54

I think you are over-reacting. MIL probably feels terrible and you need to get a stair gate. You're about to have another baby, you won't be able to be in two places at once. It could so easily have happened when you were alone with DD. Would DH go ballistic then?

nothing actually happened, DD wasn't in danger because MIL was on the ball enough to come looking. I think you need to relax a bit, close doors where DD isn't allowed to go and put up some barriers.

Lottapianos · 08/05/2012 13:55

I don't think YABU OP. Just because your ILs are providing 'free childcare' doesn't mean you don't have any say about what goes on when your DCs are in their home. It sounds like your MIL asked to have DD during the day so it's not like you've dictated the situation. I agree one-offs can happen to anyone but it sounds like you have had reservations about the situation for some time. Agree about stairgate - could you offer to buy and install it?

diddl · 08/05/2012 13:57

If the internal doors have locks/keys-ask MIL to lock them & put the keys where you daughter can´t get them-if that´s not inconvenient to anyone.

Why would your husband go ballistic at his mother?

If you don´t think that she´s doing a good enough job then pay a professional!

bigjoeent · 08/05/2012 14:01

I think you are freaking out a bit too much. Have another look at safety, gates etc and you need to keep doing this. My parents and PIL are great with the kids but not as hot on safety, maybe their generation is more relaxed but also they don't see the kids all the time and know just how much mischief they can get up to or how they change over time. MY PIL always seem to have small things, pins and half aspirins all over the floor.

I'd reevaluate the childcare, but just because looking after 2 is hard work and they are getting older, not sure how old yours are. Maybe a bit of mix, some time with your MIL, some time at formal childcare.

Original poster
Softlysoftly · 08/05/2012 14:01

Stairgate was one of my basic safety precautions from the beginning, yet to be purchased or installed, i've said i'm happy to buy them (as its my child) but I am getting the impression they don't want them blocking the stairs, again fine its their home but if you want to watch a child and you don't want stairgates then watch the child.

I'm not a nightmare promise, i'm lovely to MIL and am the only one to take her and dd on days out (she doesnt drive and is "traditional" Asian) she luffs me and me her. But the safety thing was a major concern which is why even though MIL said from birth she didn't want me to use nursery she wanted to keep dd, I put her into nursery in the beginning, i'm talking kettle on head height table (DH has major arm burn from being a baby to attest to this), gas hob left on with child alone in room, knives within reach, front door open onto major road etc.

Callisto - DH will indeed have a major shitfit, he is calm but turns into a petulant child with MIL so might be best to keep my trap shut to him. Last time he found her playing with strong heart medication and refused to bring her back for a week (pre-agreeing formal childcare and safety).

I'll calm down, I don't watch DD all the time at home but know my home is as safe as it can possibly be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Softlysoftly · 08/05/2012 14:03

diddi she went into the garden to hang clothes and left DD eating lunch at the kitchen table.

OP posts:
LondonNinja · 08/05/2012 14:04

I can see why you are stressing out. YANBU to expect the person who has agreed to keep your child safe, to keep them safe however much they are/are not being paid.

A few safety measures and a calm chat when you are feeling less angry might help all round. This is free childcare, so do make the most of it, but a little reminder (or a tale of how your fictional friend's child almost got into a scrape at his/her grandma's) may help to ease into the topic, as it is probably a good few years since MIL looked after toddlers. They forget. And no, you can't follow your toddler everywhere, which is why safety gates etc should be used just in case.

LondonNinja · 08/05/2012 14:05

Softly, she needs to lock the knives and tablets away, though. Seriously, this is common sense.

DottyDot · 08/05/2012 14:08

how about one of those non permanent (travel?) netting things that go across stairs? My Mum had one of those as she also didn't want anything permanent across her stairs - worked a treat.

WilsonFrickett · 08/05/2012 14:09

I think you need to take charge of the child-proofing. Just get the stairgates, don't hang about - say 'lets go out and get the stuff before the baby comes' and buy stairgates at the very least. Some of the other stuff - I do get where you're coming from, my DPs keep all the (enormous stash) of medicine in their bottom drawer, for example - you can't 100% proof somewhere but you can make some basic changes that will help put your mind at rest.

fuckingfuckingbastard · 08/05/2012 14:10

do you live with them? what if she looked after the dc at your house?

Salmotrutta · 08/05/2012 14:11

Hmm - whilst it's great to have the free childcare your list of situations would have had me wracked with anxiety every time I left a child in her care.

Knives, kettles, medicines, open doors onto road ... Shock

lucyellensmumnamechange · 08/05/2012 14:27

oh your poor MIL, i hope you didn't shout at her too much :(

Buy the bloody stairgate yourself, then take a couple of chill pills - then forgive yourself for the over reaction because you are pregnant.

I would hope that your DH has more respect for his parents than to go ballistic at them actully.

MsKittyFane · 08/05/2012 14:35

You have a choice: Pay for childcare in a different nursery, be a SAHM or leave DD with MiL.
You aren't happy with your MiL's care it seems (understandably)
So you are left with option 1 or 2.