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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help, I'm going insane

30 replies

whirlwindlife · 08/05/2012 11:55

Advice badly needed. In a nutshell my oh and I have always had a rocky relationship. We split at the end of last year, one of the reasons is because I was fed up with him trying to bully me into buying a car with him. I like the Independence of having my own car, he says my Pug 206 estate isn't big enough for a family of 5 and kept creating major arguments that we should by a bigger car to share. Also he wanted me to give up my successful ebay business which I enjoy so that I can work with his even more successful business because we could make more money that way. My argument has always been that I love my work and wouldn't enjoy selling what he does and working with him. I get great personal satisfaction and pride from doing my own thing and have no problems paying the bills.

Anyway he agreed when we got back together in December that he should stop pressurizing me because I obviously enjoy what I'm doing..............All good for 5 months, then we went on holiday 3 weeks ago and he got drunk twice and was horrible, saying I was a selfish bitch, wasn't committed to being a family and that he didn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to work with him. That blew over and again he apologised. But today he announces that he doesn't want our nearly 2 year old to go to nursery twice a week because he's too young, my oh wants to stay at home and have him.............result - I won't be able to use those 2 day to work from home as lo would be there and I can't afford to rent somewhere to work. So again he's trying to ruin my work as far as I can see. We've had a major argument and I've said I've had enough and want out. I feel he's trying to control my life, all I want to be able to do is stay off of the dole and pay my own bills. What do you think?

OP posts:

manicbmc · 08/05/2012 11:59

Does he have any redeeming features?

WorraLiberty · 08/05/2012 12:00

YANBU...stand your ground regarding your independence.

YABU about the nursery though if he's willing to look after your two year old

Why can't you ebay from another room?

YonWhaleFish · 08/05/2012 12:02

Dump him.

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 08/05/2012 12:03

Uuuurm, he's a charmer. We generally get on ish and he's loyal. I do love him but he makes me miserable quite frequently and I feel I'm now just trying to hold the family together with a constant force field between what I'm trying to do and what's reality.

OP posts:

kickassangel · 08/05/2012 12:07

Wouldn't that reduce his income? So who would make up the money? Sounds like he is really trying to control you. If you did work for/with him, would you have a share in his company? If he just wants an assistant, why doesn't he advertise for one? If it's about expanding his business to increase profits, then it doesn't have to be you.

YonWhaleFish · 08/05/2012 12:07

"We get on ish --- he makes me miserable quite frequently"

Get rid, this does not sound like a happy healthy relationship. Do you actually love him? How, if he makes you miserable and doesn't want you to have your own independence? And begrudges you following your dream?

LunaticFringe · 08/05/2012 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheProvincialLady · 08/05/2012 12:16

Get rid now. You are absolutely right that he is trying to control and diminish you. He is thinking up as many ways as he can to reduce your independence. Kick him out and then watch as he doesn't choose to stay at home to look after your 2 year old two days a week instead of working.

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 08/05/2012 13:13

He goes to work at 11am and comes back at 3.30pm, earlier some days, some days he doesn't go in at all. He's decided out of the blue that ds shouldn't go to nursery and I know he's only doing it because the living room in our house is the only space big enough for me to work. He says it's because he wants time with ds but he has loads of time with him. I really think he's doing anything he can to stop me from working and force me into a position where I'm working for him.

He's gone now, just came back and packed his clothes etc and gone, funnily enough he doesn't know when he'll have ds. So much for this time he apparently wants with him.............

OP posts:

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 08/05/2012 13:36

I can't do my business where he does because it's full of machinery and I deal in children's clothes so not a good combination. He knows the only space I have is at home. I've suggested he has ds for a couple of days at home and then he goes to nursery so I can also use the home on my own to do my work but he then uses this new 'I think ds is too young for nursery?!'

OP posts:

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 08/05/2012 13:38

Exactly what I've said kickassangel. He portrays me working for him as a big family dream where we'd be making loads by 'working to our strengths' but I simply don't want to. I enjoy what I do and he just cannot respect that and be happy for me.

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 08/05/2012 14:04

So, he's left again, then? If so, you need to give serious consideration to not letting him back. Apart from him being a charmer and father to your children, what does he contribute to your life?

I'm a bit confused about "your" car? Does he have his own? If not does he drive yours? Do you pay the nursery fees out of your income? If so, that's your decision whether or not to let DS stay or go. (BTW,'his' and 'yours' is a bit alien to me, but I'm going with it!)

If you do take him out so DH can look after him, what would be the likelihood of him saying "Oh, I'm too busy to stay home today, you'll have to look after him."?

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 08/05/2012 14:44

He has 2 cars and a van for his business, I've had my own car since day 0 which imo is big enough for family trips etc. His argument was that it isn't big enough and he doesn't want to have to buy a 'family' car because he wants a van and a sports car. So he's constantly making me feel bad for not buying a 'family' car (which he wants to put half towards and use on occasion potentially leaving me without a car). I've suggested I begrudgingly buy a different bigger car, his response is we need to do it together in order to 'be a family'. It sounds bizarre to me and I do feel like I'm totally not in touch with how things should be sometimes because he doesn't seem to make sense. I can afford to buy my own car and with his strange behaviour I'd be reluctant to buy one together, if I'm totally honest I've become a bit protective of my independence.

We pay £5 each a day for ds's childcare as we get childcare vouchers so money is no issue with that. The likelihood of him going off on 'his days' for 'five minutes' reality half the day is huge as he did said he'd look after ds when I was starting my business but there was always some excuse to disappear and I wasn't allowed to make an issue of it.

OP posts:

YonWhaleFish · 08/05/2012 14:51

What? He wants a sports car and a van for himself and for you to buy a bigger "family" car which he can also use?

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 08/05/2012 14:52

Yes

OP posts:

YonWhaleFish · 08/05/2012 14:57

I'd say keep with your instinct and protect your independence.

I don't understand why he thinks that he needs a sports car and a van and that you should help him (that's what it seems like to me) buy a fancy family car also for his "image". Is he concerned over these things? Is it about "look what I have"?

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 08/05/2012 15:03

Oh yes!!! He wants a 3L black BMW estate, cost around 5-6 thousand not including any expensive alloy wheels etc he wants to add and the extra expense running and putting tonnes of fuel in the stupid thing.

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SlipperyNipple · 08/05/2012 15:03

It does sound like he is insecure and wants to make you totally reliant on him for money and travel. With him behaving like he does I would also protect my independence (escape route).

Yeah I would be thinking hard about whether to carry on with him. My DH makes me happy almost every day and it would feel like cutting out my heart to leave him. It doesn't sound like you like or respect yours.

YonWhaleFish · 08/05/2012 15:07

Stand firm and don't be buying a car with him! What you do with the relationship is up to you, but he's definitely trying to use your financial advantage to get himself a car, it's got nothing to do with being a 'family'!

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 08/05/2012 15:08

I don''t see why you won't be able to work from home if he is looking after your 2 year old at home....the nastiness aside. Why not call his bluff and let him do it? I work from home 5 days a week...I have a spare room as an office.

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 08/05/2012 15:09

I used to respect him slipperynipple but he doesn't give me respect back and doesn't seem to care if I'm happy or not so long as his life is ok and he's secure in thinking he can tell me how to run mine.

OP posts:

Portofino · 08/05/2012 15:11

You both sound a bit immature, but why on earth would you want to spend your life with someone who bullies you? I would get rid, to be quite honest.

Original poster

whirlwindlife · 08/05/2012 15:23

The living room is the only space big enough for me to take photos etc, we have no space in the house, very overcrouded, 3 chidren, 2 bed. We were due to buy the place in 6 months so we can do an extension as it's the only way we can afford an extra bedroom (council house, good right to buy, impossible to get a bigger house through them etc). Literally the space I have in the living room is the only space available. I earn enough to cover the bills, have savings for the house and when bought the mortgage will be pittence.

OP posts:

kelly2525 · 08/05/2012 16:58

He wants to take your car away, he wants to take your business away, and he wants to take your child out of nursery.

Maybe I'm being over dramatic but the next step could be him wanting to take your phone away, maybe not see your friends and family so much, because you have him so why do you need to see anyone else, then he'll take away your house keys, cos you don't need them, he has a set and you won't be going anywhere without him.

It does sound like if you give into him over the car and the business it could be the beginning of something more sinister.

Softlysoftly · 08/05/2012 17:07

On a side point I tried working from home with DD there and I have an outside converted garage to retreat to. It doesn't work, dh did a good job but still needed the odd five minutes for this and that, if you come in for a wee/drink then lo wants attention, it all breaks your concentration and you get nothing done.

Or you try and make a client phone call and all you can hear in the background is "mummyyyyy" "shush mummys on the phone" tantrum, bang arrghhh!

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