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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish my dh didn't work every bank holiday

49 replies

outtolunchagain · 07/05/2012 15:18

Thats just it really ,just would be really nice if he didn't work every bank holiday and treat me as mad for suggesting he shouldn't.as far as he is concerned it's just a day when you work more flexibly .He is currently in summer house working ,he took a couple of hours off this morning to run some errands ,he'll probably finish about 6.Can't remember a weekend when he didn't work either even if it was just a few hours on Sunday evening ,mostly its all day Sunday.

He worked all of Easter including Sat and Sun and has just informed me that he will be working the double Jubilee holiday .Nothing to be done really its not going to change ,I'm just fed up now ,I've been married 22 years and I don't really want this life anymore ,but this is his profession so we just have to suck it up Sad

OP posts:
pictish · 07/05/2012 15:20

Does he take the time out at other times?
My dh works every bank holiday as well, but he takes days off elsewhere.

It's better that way anyway - bank holiday crowds - yuck.

Gumby · 07/05/2012 15:21

What does he do in the greenhouse?!

Lovepjs · 07/05/2012 15:22

I am in the same boat hubby works ALL the time!!!! I am taking the kids out myself just so they don't have a shit bh too. When I think how crap the relationship is makes me want to cry but like u say I put a brave face on and suck it up :)

Original poster
outtolunchagain · 07/05/2012 15:23

No he doesn't take time off elsewhere ,well not very often ,he sometimes takes friday afternoon to ride but for some reason this incenses me because i feel he should work then and take time off on sunday with us.

The summerhouse is just a home office in the garden !!

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fussbucket · 07/05/2012 15:24

I take it he's self-employed in some way? DP often has to work over holidays for this reason, it was something that went with the territory when we first hooked up. DD's and I have got used to going Mummy-Camping and generally being a temporary single parent family. The only thing I've insisted on is that he takes two weeks sometime in the summer holidays to have a family holiday, and usually at least one long weekend sometime between Easter and late May, with no work phone or laptop allowed.

Original poster
outtolunchagain · 07/05/2012 15:25

Depends what you all self employed,he is a partner in a business but there are 40 odd partners so not the same as a one man band IYSWIM

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ExitPursuedByABear · 07/05/2012 15:28

He takes Friday afternoons off to ride? What, a horse, a bike?

Do the other partners work all the time as well? It does seem an awful lot of work.

TenaciousOne · 07/05/2012 15:32

Yanbu. I'm in the same boat, our holidays have to be long weekends because he can't be away from work for too long. :( There's not much you can do though.

Lizcat · 07/05/2012 15:32

The details of his partnership agreement (speaking as a partner in a business) probably hold the reason for this. If he receives supernumeration for this additional work he may feel that he is doing the best thing for his family. I am the same though I'm managing partner so I drive the direction of the business and spend a lot of my waking moments thinking about.

ExitPursuedByABear · 07/05/2012 15:46

MY DH runs his own business which operates every day (apart from Christmas Day) and even when we are away he manages the business via his Blackberry.

DonInKillerHeels · 07/05/2012 15:51

I'm sneaking onto Mumsnet for a procratination fix working today. DH is resenting me because he has to look after DS and therefore can't work. Some of us just have silly jobs that consume all our waking hours.

Original poster
outtolunchagain · 07/05/2012 15:55

I understand that don thats why i'm venting here but can i just say that22 years of always feeling second best just gets waring

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DonInKillerHeels · 07/05/2012 15:59

I can imagine. I think it helps that we both work in the same field and therefore understand each other. I'm sure your DH doesn't see you as second best (if that's any consolation at all).

LaAmanda · 07/05/2012 16:00

The industry where DH and I work means that we can work bank holidays and take the days off at other times. We always do that. It's great to have peace and quiet to work and IMO bank holidays are pretty boring and everywhere is crowded.

Original poster
outtolunchagain · 07/05/2012 16:02

We work in similar fields as well but my job is always second best I'm fine about that really I have taken a step down as we both felt that two full on careers and a family were incompatible .Whether he thinks it or not actions speak louder than words and if there is a conflict it is always us that gets let down ,never work."he's only as good as his last deal",the thing is I feel like i am never the dealSmile

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Original poster
outtolunchagain · 07/05/2012 16:03

LaAmandathe thing is the children are all off school so someone has to look after them

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Original poster
outtolunchagain · 07/05/2012 22:13

Well he's still working SadI know I should be sympathetic but I just feel like I am wasting my life waiting for him to deign to give me some time ,he says he hates it too but I'm not sure whether I believe that any more

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Original poster
outtolunchagain · 10/05/2012 10:08

I don't know what's wring with me,probably using this thread to vent,it's always been like this ,this is the nature of his job .Maybe it's because I have a birthday conning up and I just feel time is slipping away ,I spend my life waitingHmm.Even if it's not physically waiting it's waiting for a time when I can have a proper conversation because he us mentally there ,most of the time he is home he might be physically with us but mentally he's at work he is just not tuned in at all.

I don't want to live like this anymore but U cannot see how to escape ,at 59 and with a mortgage and 3 children to support he is too late to change careers and anyway to some extent I think he would always be like this ,perfectionist,not good at delegating ,it's just exacerbated by the job he does.

As I looked at him reviewing something over his wetabix this morning while the rest of us tried not to disturb him I just thought ;"I've had enough "I really don't want this anymore

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Original poster
outtolunchagain · 10/05/2012 10:10

Sorry that was full if typos ,on phone and unable to review.He's 50 ,and there's something wring with me that it bothers me and I don't know how to change things

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DonInKillerHeels · 10/05/2012 10:14

Oh outtolunch that does sound awful. I don't think there' anything wrong with you, and your husband's workaholism does sound like it is taking a terrible toll on your family's life. There are lots of things you need to weigh up here (quite apart from the fact that, at 59, he's not that far off retirement, so not long to wait?). I don't think "leave the bastard" is the right answer, and actually I don't really have any constructive advice. But I do feel for you.

DonInKillerHeels · 10/05/2012 10:14

Oh. 50. That does make a difference.

AngryFeet · 10/05/2012 10:16

My DH is the same although it has only been going on for a few years and there is a goal in his mind. He is very ambitious and he has been moving quickly throughout his company so money has gone up in leaps and bounds. He works all bank holidays, takes either nothing or max of 1 week of his 4 weeks holiday each year and is away a lot.

What is your DH getting out of this if it has been going on so long? Has he progressed in his career a lot? Do you have a lot more money? Or is it just about his fulfillment?

You need to talk to him and tell him how miserable you are. I find it hard too but I know it won't be forever and once he gets where he wants to be it will be easier to delegate and sit back a bit (at least I bloody hope so!). Is the money so good that he can't find another job elsewhere?

whyme2 · 10/05/2012 10:22

You sound so fed up with it all.

Have you got your own things on the go - work, friendships, hobbies. Is there some way to take the focus of him not being there and make your own arrangements. Kind off sad in a way but I think you are right in that he is not going to change now.

Not sure why you all have to tip toe around him at breakfast time though, I wouldn't pander to that everyday.

Original poster
outtolunchagain · 10/05/2012 10:34

Oh thank you so nice to be able to speak if it.I do work ,manage three children ,dog,house and garden.The problem is he is very specialised and in a profession ,it's difficult to see what else he could do ,certainly not with the earning capacity he has now .

Difficult to talk about it with him because he can't really see any solution .There are a couple of potential things but with the economy as it is change involves risk.If we talk about it I just sound like a spoilt brat because he feels that this is his job he can't really change things,I just don't think he truly appreciates how hard it isto live with and he feels that he's tired enough without me ranting on.Sad

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Bellini12 · 10/05/2012 10:42

This is interesting as I grew up with a workaholic father. Being one of 4 kids he never, ever bathed us or was there at bed time. I can only remember 3 (pretty rubbish) holidays in all my childhood, we fleetingly saw him at breakfast and that was it, weekends were spent on his laptop (even Christmas day). I have to say it got a bit better when we became adults (probably as he was interested in our careers). I just think the business world floated his boat - he wasn't interested in the messy, noisy, unreasonable kids side of life (my poor mum brought us up almost on her own).

My issue is that my DH has a v demanding job in the city - out at 6am & home by 7.30pm (earliest) hence I feel like a single mum during the week. I feel like I'm bringing up my 2 DC's on my own & sometimes am sick of making all the decisions, not to mention how full-on it was when they were a baby/toddler. I have no support so often feel on my own e.g. If i'm sick & need help. I still get envious of all my friends whose DH's are there for bath time, reading stories, catching up at the end of the day, doing the school run etc. My kids are without a doubt closer to me (it's only recently my youngest would let my DH put her to bed on a weekend) and I don't want them growing up feeling that Dad is never around. The only good thing is that he does try & spend quality time with them at the weekend.

I think I'm just having a grump tho as most of the time I deal with it but every now and then it really gets to me (which is probably down to my dad never being around). It is really important your DH carves out some quality time with the kids IMO or they will just become rather blasé about him.. Financial security IS important of course but so is family.

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