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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish my dh didn't work every bank holiday

49 replies

outtolunchagain · 07/05/2012 15:18

Thats just it really ,just would be really nice if he didn't work every bank holiday and treat me as mad for suggesting he shouldn't.as far as he is concerned it's just a day when you work more flexibly .He is currently in summer house working ,he took a couple of hours off this morning to run some errands ,he'll probably finish about 6.Can't remember a weekend when he didn't work either even if it was just a few hours on Sunday evening ,mostly its all day Sunday.

He worked all of Easter including Sat and Sun and has just informed me that he will be working the double Jubilee holiday .Nothing to be done really its not going to change ,I'm just fed up now ,I've been married 22 years and I don't really want this life anymore ,but this is his profession so we just have to suck it up

OP posts:

Original poster

outtolunchagain · 10/05/2012 12:42

Your dh's hours are similar to mine except that he is home by8.30pm at earliest .My children are older now and it has definitely affected their relationship with him.Sometimes ,not all the time,it's almost like he is a visitor.They always ask me,defer to me etc and sometimes it just feels lonely .a bit like being a single parent but only part time .

You have hit the nail on the head when you say about just sometimes wanting to share the responsibility

OP posts:

Original poster

outtolunchagain · 04/05/2015 08:49

Well here I am another bank holiday , three years have passed since this thread and guess what DH is at work.So angry and disappointed in him , I told him this morning he has a job here to be a husband and father but he really cannot see that that is as important as not letting the client / firm down

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 04/05/2015 09:09

Ok, what are YOU going to do about it?
He's had ample opportunity to be a participating family member, you've nagged reminded him enough about it yet nothing has shifted.

You are pinning your current and future happiness on a man who has no intention of change.

Einstein's said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

Time for you to make some life changing decisions? I think so. No one is saying it will be easy, but it sounds as though it has to be better

Original poster

outtolunchagain · 04/05/2015 09:20

I have done quite a bit actually , I have come to terms with staying in this house , I started a course that I really wanted to do , but my mother was widowed half way through and as she lives 8 hours drive away I had to give the course up as she needed support.I hope to start again in Sept .I have slightly changed the focus of my job .

He got massively bad last year and I told him that I couldn't live like this , he was better for a couple of months but now it's back again .

I know he loves me but he just doesn't get it , he thinks this is what life is like, he genuinely doesn't see any alternative , he is a senior partner but he still implies that if he didn't do these hours he would have to give up his job which is quite frankly ludicrous , his profession does work long hours but he needs to make choices .

He is genuinely shocked when I say that most people finish work at around 6 , he leaves around eight most evenings , he wouldn't really consider coming home earlier unless there was a Specific reason , last week it was after 10 most evenings .One of the dc needed to be at college early this week , about 8.30 , he was working in same town but would not delay 30 mins so that he could take them

I don't want us to split up but I cannot go on like this

OP posts:

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 04/05/2015 09:34

Can you organise nice things to do for yourself and the DC, and just leave him to it? Eg, book a nice weekend away for bank holiday, a week in the sun at midterm, etc??

Maliceaforethought · 04/05/2015 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewLeaflet · 04/05/2015 10:13

I don't want us to split up but I cannot go on like this

You need to tell him this. You need to tell him that his behaviour is ruining your marriage and that he will end up separated if he doesn't change. And that changing for a couple of months is not enough.

Musicaltheatremum · 04/05/2015 10:38

I have always felt that work expands to fill the time available. My husband worked in a high power job and I remember had a deal that had to finish by the end of August which was a Monday this particular year. so that would mean a whole weekend working, except the Monday was a bank holiday so everything had to be finished by the Friday morning. They managed it but would have kept going if they could have.
Sadly my husband was unable to work the last 10 years of his life but was able to be at home helping with child care. It was all a bit bittersweet in the end.
I have a friend whose husband works all the time. Although it does bother him and he is looking to retire at 60 which is next year.
However, I feel for you in that your husband just doesn't seem to realise that there is a family he needs to be with which is sad.

Tell him this, my husband who felt himself indispensable took suddenly unwell and couldn't work for 6 weeks, the place didn't fall apart. Other people stepped in. When he suddenly took unwell before he died I had to stop work during the busiest month of the year and someone else had to manage my roll, again, the place didn't fall to bits. In a way, my kids were lucky in that they had him at home all the time from 2002 to 2012 by which time they were 18 and 16. Don't live for work it won't thank you.

Sorry that's a bit epic.

whois · 04/05/2015 10:43

Well I expect he's getting paid alright. You sacrifice weekends and decent working hours for more cash generally!

TwartFaceBeetj · 04/05/2015 10:44

Yeah, same here, all weekends bank hols, it just me and the dc, I hate it, but I've had over a decade to come to terms with it although for about 5 years in one job he did have weekends off we felt spoilt!
But we relocated and I knew it would go back to never really having family time again. It took a year to readjust again

chipshop · 04/05/2015 10:45

I feel for you. DP went to London on Saturday, he came home at 11pm last night, then he got a taxi to the airport at 4am to go to Italy. Home for a grand total of five hours! He's back on Wednesday night, then he's going away again the next morning. He has a dream job in some people's eyes but his work are always cancelling his days off. It leaves him drained and I find it very wearing.

Original poster

outtolunchagain · 04/05/2015 10:57

Whois yes he is paid alright but not mega bucks, funny though money doesn't keep you company in your old age , or bring the children back when they have written you off as uninterested . when he was young the trade off was OK , now less so , I am fifty if I don't start living my life now when will I .I love him to bits there will never be anyone else for me , but I cannot live this life anymore .I have told him this but I really don't think he believes me, he thinks I am being ridiculous

OP posts:

Mintyy · 04/05/2015 11:00

I feel sorry for people whose work/life balance is so skewed - and particularly their partners and their children.

raawwhh · 04/05/2015 11:23

It's difficult when one of you works them and one of you doesn't. My other half works in an industry that gives 28 days holiday none of which are bank holidays. In the past year I moved out of this industry and into an office based role. I hate the fact that 8 days (9 days including xmas eve) of of my holiday are dictated to me. I'm on holiday today and it doesn't feel like a holiday as I have noone to spend it with so it's just a wasted day.

In my old industry these 9 days would have equated to 3 seperate 7 week breaks (bridge across 2 working weeks with 3 holiday days sandwiched between 2 rest days either side). Far better in my opinion.

Dowser · 04/05/2015 11:29

I know a lovely man. He's always, chatty, enthusiastic,brilliant at his job, a proper go getter.

Up at 5 . Out of the door by 7 or earlier. In a previous job often flying to Europe. He and his wife seemed so happy.

Then she dropped the bombshell. She couldn't stand the long hours on her own any more. She left and got her own place.

He was devastated. He cut back on his work load. Eventually got another job that didn't involve travel abroad. Luckily there wasn't anyone else.

He got her back but it took over a year.

I hope you can sort it op.

My dad's work ethic was to do the job you had well and if asked to work over take the time off in lieu. You could do that then but not now probably.

I always remember this quote , no one ever lies on their deathbed wishing they spent more time at the office.

My dad took early retirement. I'm so glad he did because he died at just age 70.
No amount of money makes up for quality time. Time to unwind. Time to thoroughly rest your body. Time to nourish it properly. Time to nourish your relationships.

Very sad. I see it with my own son in law. Stressed to bits with the demands of his job.

If your husband has a choice OP about his working hours I hope you can get him to choose a bit more wisely.

GoblinLittleOwl · 04/05/2015 11:37

If I have got this right, your husband is now 62, so not that long until he retires. He sounds as if he will be like a bear with a sore head, not having work to hide behind, because that's what he is doing. He's not a family man, is he?
You need to build your life with things you enjoy, work, play, interests and accept that he is not going to be part of it. You don't have to leave him to do this; take advantage of the financial security he offers.
Don't use your mother as a barrier to following your interests, and don't waste more of your life trying to share it with him.

Original poster

outtolunchagain · 04/05/2015 11:39

Rawwh , he doesn't have to work them as such , he will probably be the only one in today , he just sees it as a wasted day at home and a day to get ahead on the next job in the office .If he has work to do , and he always has , then he will always do that rather than be at home , he sees being at home as rather self indulgent

OP posts:

Original poster

outtolunchagain · 04/05/2015 11:40

He is 51

OP posts:

Sausages123 · 04/05/2015 11:41

I could have written your posts. It sucks I am 36 with 2 lovely boys and no marriage, not really as he is married to his job. Every BH, Mother's Day, my birthday, every Sunday etc. Apparently I should be grateful as he pays the bills and mortgage.

Coumarin · 04/05/2015 11:45

His balance is all wrong. Life shouldn't be about work.

(What double jubilee holiday do you mean?)

Coumarin · 04/05/2015 11:46

Oh, sorry, realised this is a bumped thread. Ignore my daft question.

raawwhh · 04/05/2015 11:52

OP Sorry, I half skimmed and misread. I think you need to speak to him and tell him that without him at home its a day wasted for you. He needs to sort his priorities out. As others have said his work/life balance is all off.

I find it difficult to understand from his behalf as I would a lot to have one day a month with my other half - to the point I'm looking at re-changing career.

TendonQueen · 04/05/2015 20:39

So basically time spent with you, since it's not working time, is wasted time? I think you need to ask him how he thinks his wife and children feel to know that he thinks of time spent with them as wasted time. Tell him that when he's old and ill in a nursing home on his own, why should any of the kids, or you, come to visit him since he obviously begrudged every minute he spent with you? And tell him that you aren't going to spend the rest of your life wasting your time while he chooses to be at work. Then start making plans to pack his stuff up and get it transferred into storage, so you can tell him he and the love of his life can be together 24/7.

Honestly, OP, it's the only way. You've waited so long for change. The only chance of it coming is by giving him a massive shock. And if he doesn't respond even to that, you know nothing will change him and you've at least taken the first step in making a life for yourself.

windchime · 04/05/2015 21:30

I know a woman who works like this; flies in from Asia, 10 hours at home then off to USA. Her husband works from home and looks after DCs and he has a very good life. He wants for nothing but the company of his wife.

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