Not to want to help fund MIL's/family holiday home?

[RightBuggerforit]

MIL bought a holiday home with inheritance from FIL 20 years ago. It has been used as a family holiday place in the past for dh and 2 SILs but they're all grown up now. MIL uses it loads, several times a year for weeks at a time (alongside several other foreign holidays a year), SILs also go there once or twice a year. Dh and I don't use it, we have a young family and can't afford a holiday, plus it takes ages and costs a lot to get there, hours on ferry and car etc and isn't near anything, so even if we could afford a holiday, we would have it somewhere else.

MIL now says she is having trouble affording the upkeep of the property, which she and the SILs are attached to due emotionally to it being purchased in memory of FIL, so selling is not an option. Dh doesn't see any connection.

As a solution, MIL has suggested that, since this house will be left to the 3 kids, they should all start contributing for it now, about £300 a year. I think this is unreasonable, if you use a holiday home and you want to keep it, shouldn't you pay for it yourself instead of asking your dc to pay? MIL has no mortgage and is in the process of downsizing which will free up nearly £100,000 of capital to help with her lifestyle, so why not use some of this money?

I feel really strongly that if we can't afford a family holiday of our own, we shouldn't be funding a share of MIL's holidays, especially given she's in a much better position than we are financially. Dh says we should see it as an investment because we will inherit a third of this house at some point, and if we don't pay MIL has said she will cut him off from this part of the will.

AIBU/WWYD?

This is going to end in tears.

A family meeting that you are not welcome at despite the fact it's your money too? And your dh is going along with this is he?

Also, if this goes ahead-what happens when someone can´t afford their 300GBP at sometime in the future?

(Bearing in mind it could be 30yrs-aren´t somebodies circumstances likely to change during that time?)

I would play a bit dumb on that one and go too. As MIL is treating this like a financial transaction, go armed with (written) questions, just as you would to any other financial meeting.

As someone suggested upthread (think it was Chipping?) - if MIL and SILs will be putting in £300 each, it shouldn't be too much of a stretch for them to add an extra £100 each to cover your bowing out of that element of your inheritance.

Finally, if it's such a good 'investment' then, rather than railroading you into compliance, they should be delighted by the refusal - more in the pot for them.

yes - and if challenged say "oh sorry didn't realise the 'no partners' thing was also a 'no husband/wives' thing! Obviously, as a wife, financial decisions cannot be made without me so I knew i'd be needed at the meeting."

This all sounds really horrid and stressful for you both! I hope it goes smoothly.

Why doesn't she just charge family to use it - so much per week. Therefore, if your SILs use it they pay and the money goes to the upkeep. Similarly if you use you pay and if you don't you don't. That way it is fair. If they are going in the school holidays it will still be cheaper than hiring somewhere else.

I think you need to go along to the 'family meeting' this is all going to end in tears - if your DH is a bit of a pushover when it comes to his mum if you aren't there he'll probably agree to god knows what

I like albertswearengen's suggestion!!

you should be in the family meeting. she is specifically trying to exclude you as she knows you'll stand up to her.

think you should go and make your points. your dh seems unable to.

plus she hasn't actually said that she will cut you out of inheriting the house so don't pre-empt it! force her to say it.

The reason it is a family meeting (i.e. not you) is that they all know DH of old and know he is a pushover. You either go to the meeting or he doesn't. Very insulting IMO to exclude you. Paying per week of use is a good idea. However, I think you are screwed either way. It sounds like a nightmare.

I bloody wouldn't! So, she wants £300 a year for what could be up to 30 years? Which would be £9000 given by you for a third of the property. Eventually. Possibly. That's if she doesn't change her mind and leave it to someone else, or sell it and spend the money.

Meanwhile, your own children are growing up without holidays. When your mil is happily trotting off all over the place for much of the year?

She is taking the piss.

In your shoes, I'd say no. We can't afford that. It's not happening.

If she chooses to not leave her holiday home to you in 30 years, well, so be it. You can't live your life dancing to someone's tune because you're hanging on until they die and you can get their money. Maybe. Sod that for a game of soldiers!

God, can you imagine what you'd get if she knew that she could dangle Inheritance in front of you?

If you don't come and repaint my house, I won't leave you the carriage clock
Come and rebuild my holiday home or I'll give all my savings to your sisters
Repair my roof or I'll leave the family home to the dog...

You really really REALLY are best off saying "do what you like with your money." and just getting on with your own life with the expectation that nothing is coming your way.

HecateTrivia - all of that is exactly what I think!

Albertswearengen - I think charging per week for use is a great idea and very fair, but it won't happen. MIL is there a lot and likes company when possible, so needs to encourage SILs to come too or visit while she's there. There is no way MIL would charge them and put them off coming. Neither use it much on their own, especially as younger SIL can't drive so can't get there anyway.

well in that case your only response is 'sorry, we can't afford it'. end.

Totally agree with Hecate, brilliant post.

You would be crazy to go along with this.

Do not allow yourself to be excluded from a family meeting - this is your money too.

If she openly threatens to disinherit your DH over this, you should make clear your utter disgust at that kind of blackmail, and make it clear that you would consider such an extreme move to be an act of hostility (which it would be).

She can't really expect to disinherit her son and have a cordial relationship with his family.

She is about to create an massive shitstorm just so she can blackmail one of her offspring into subsidise her (pretty lavish) lifestyle.

How about saying you will all contribute according to usage because you agree it is not fair that MIL pays all the wear and tear, heating etc when her children are also using it. You are unable to use it at the moment as you can't afford a holiday and the children are too young. Tell a white lie and say you are sure you would be interested in the future when they are old enough to appreciate it, and as soon as you use it, of course you would be willing to make a contribution. Then agree a 'price' per week - eg £75 - £100 - as a contribution towards its running costs. That way you sound fair and reasonable, and you won't have to pay when you are not using it. SILs are saving money by having their holiday there rather than renting a place, so they get good value - given you can't afford to get there, paying the £300 doesn't make sense.

Basically the concept should be paying towards its running costs, which SILs are currently benefiting from MIL paying for, and that should be done on a fair basis of actual use.

By the way, beneficiaries can vary a will after the person has died (as long as all the beneficiaries consent) - so your husband could take something else instead of his share of the holiday home, leaving his sisters to keep it for as long as they wanted.

In 20 - 30 years time, will you inherit part of a house you don't enjoy going to, that you'll have only a minority share in so will have to get the agreement of the SILs (and their partners, even if they are single now, you can't assume they will stay that way) to sell/do anything with - and will have to negotiate when you can/can't stay there?

The amount it is worth is pointless unless you can actually sell it, which if your SILs are attached to it now, imagine if your MIL has also died and it's still 'her house'?

If it's in France, she's not able to cut your DH out anyway. If she gets sick when she's older, she might need to sell it, or at least stop going, imagine the situation where she isn't able to go, your SILs don't want to/can't go (if say MIL couldn't drive anymore), but MIL doesn't feel she can sell it as she's made this deal with you? Will it fall into disrepair? If she goes into a care home, will the government make her sell it anyway?

go to the family meeting, tell them it's your money they are asking for.

YANBU and I agree it is very manipulative. But, if you're not living on shoestring £300 PA isn't exactly megabucks, particularly if you were to break it up into a monthly cost. However I can see why you would be upset at having to pay for something you don't use just so MIL doesn't have to give up a luxury. BUT, if you take the family aspect out of it & look at it solely as an investment, that has a pretty amazing potential for return on your capital.

Can she not rent it out through a holiday lettings company during times it is not being used by family?

Surely it isn't a sound investment as you can't guarantee your money back at all.

Perhaps show dh this thread?

Actually, if she ends up going into a care home in the UK, I can see a situation where you have already paid out for this house (£300 a year won't be the end of it, there's bound to be costs for 'significant' housing costs over the years once you accept responsibility for it, e.g. when was the last time the boiler was changed?), will your DH be under pressure from SILs to pay towards her home costs so she doesn't have to sell up that much loved house?

can of worms springs to mind, what works now for your MIL as a healthy single woman with 2 SILs who don't have other commitments who are able to go with her on holidays, and what she will need/be able to cope with in 20 years time is a different issue.

(this is why you have to be at that family meeting, your DH might not feel able to ask these questions, you have to ask them to see if MIL has even thought of them)

I have been in a v similar situation.

Dm and df have a house in France - had it for about ten years. I have been once with do, pre kids. Dsis goes lots with bil and kids.

Df is v materialistic, likes having property 'portfolio'. About 18 months ago, says he would like to give us the gift of the house - between me and dsis. It will cost us about 1k each per year upkeep. We can sell it if we want, but if we decide to keep it, could dm and df still go there on holiday please?

The more I thought about it, the more livid I got. Keep holidaying there while they don't pay for it? While dsis and I are both on mat leave so little money to spare? When I had no interest in going? And it wad packaged up as a huge and generous gift? No thanks!

And dsis and I had the inevitable conversation (hypothetical) where I said I would've wanted to sell and she to keep. And there was no way she could've bought me out.

If you can do so without causing a shot

"MIL now says she is having trouble affording the upkeep of the property"
"MIL has no mortgage and is in the process of downsizing which will free up nearly £100,000 of capital "
Well, those two statements are somewhat opposed,are they not? So it makes me think that your MIL is playing games, OP.

I personally would gatecrash the family meeting, because whether she likes it or not, you are family. (I suspect she knows she and his sisters can railroad your DH, but not you.) And you and DH are one financial unit, he CANNOT agree to pay for anything without your express agreement - make that crystal clear to your DH.

I think HecateTrivia 's post of Mon 07-May-12 17:27:56 summarised the position rather well. This is NOT, repeat NOT, an investment. When people start talking about inheritance and putting conditions on it, you really should assume that you will never inherit; because they're already seeing it in terms of 'only if you do what I say'. And there will always be something else they want you to do. And in the unlikely event that this holiday home does not have to be sold to fund care, your DH's sisters will own two thirds and will not consent to its sale. They will expect to continue exactly as before.

Sorry...

If you
Can do so without causing a shitstorm, I would steer clear.y bet is, either your mum will change her mind, or neednl the money for care, and if she is manipulating you like this now, then if she really needed it it wouldn't be a problem to whip it away again. Or the others will refuse to sell and say they can't afford to
Buy you out.

Oh, and those who say she can do what she likes with her 100k: of course she can, but only after she has dealt with a financial commitment SHE decided to take on, without expecting others to do it for her. How selfish. And, as others have said, if in France, you'll inherit anyway.

(forgotto say that we never took on the house, not did dsis, and df now selling it.)

Does she come and visit you? I think you need to tell her you can no longer afford to have guests and you need her to pay when she stays with you. And when you visit her, alas she will need to pay your travelling costs. Oh, and you and dh want to take your first holiday in xx years, camping in the UK, and it will cost £xx, and could she pay please, in return for some photos of her very grateful gcs on holiday. You've added it up and you think it will be about £300 a year.

DO NOT let your dh go to that meeting alone. Go with him and sit there saying "no, that doesn't work for us" and "no, we don't think so" and "no, we won't do that".

Perhaps it's time to suggest that if she can't afford the upkeep then the time to sell it is now and invest in something she can afford with the proceeds of the sale.