Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex getting married again and wanting our daughters to be bridesmaids....

51 replies

earpiece · 07/05/2012 06:56

the father of my children, is on the way to his second wedding since our break up. He has asked if our children can be bridesmaids at a wedding to a woman I have never met, who sees my children every fortnight, who I do not know, and the thought makes me feel physically sick!

OP posts:
DPrince · 07/05/2012 07:03

How old are they, do they want to?

StealthPolarBear · 07/05/2012 07:03

Was she the reason you broke up? Do the children like her? Do they want to?

Original poster
earpiece · 07/05/2012 07:04

Would love some advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Dad is going into his 2nd marriage after me, so worried that this will fall short again and I will have to deal with the detritus yet again. Looking out for my girls yet they do not see that - they want to wear pretty dresses and have a party!

OP posts:
DPrince · 07/05/2012 07:07

being bridesmaids are not going to change if it works or not. I would let them. They will only be upset with you if you say no.

marriedinwhite · 07/05/2012 07:11

You might not know her, but your dd have been seeing her every fortnight - does that make you feel sick too? Ultimately their father is their father and as they grow up they will see him for what he is and the more you press your opinion on them the more they will love him and see you as unreasonable. How old are they? Will their be responsible adults that you trust at the wedding to keep an eye on them?

Original poster
earpiece · 07/05/2012 07:12

The unfortunate thing is that they do want to. I feel like evil mother from hell but it is so hard having them dressed up and going to an occasion to see their father marrying the second woman since our split- yes, he married after our split, she divorced him after phoning me and spilling out her misery! i have never met this woman but my children say she is wonderful. Makes it worse!

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 07/05/2012 07:13

Why on earth shouldn't they?

Wouldn't you want them to be your bridesmaids if you were getting married?

AmberLeaf · 07/05/2012 07:15

I was bridesmaid at my dads wedding to my step mum.

Dont make your daughters feel bad/guilty about being bridesmaids at their dads wedding just because you feel bitter about it.

lemniscate · 07/05/2012 07:15

I can't think of a single good reason why you should stop your DDs being bridesmaids for their dad. Your feelings don't come into it, I'm afraid. And if you stop them they will hold it against you.

FallenCaryatid · 07/05/2012 07:17

You sound very insecure, and we still don't know how old your daughters are.

Let them do it, treat the occasion as a party rather than a life-changing event.
Who will be with them to take care of them? If not you, they will need someone whose attention is focused on them, not the bride or groom

FallenCaryatid · 07/05/2012 07:20

Does it bother you so much that they like her and you don't know her?
Do you have a current partner who could support you through this phase?

Tiptoptoe · 07/05/2012 07:22

I agree that your feelings don't come into it. It is their Dad and he has the same right to include them in his life as you do.

SpottyTeacakes · 07/05/2012 07:22

YABU let them do it and put your own feelings aside

Original poster
earpiece · 07/05/2012 07:23

I appreciate your message. Been a single mum since I dumped their abusive controlling father when my twins were 16 months old. We have been a strong little unit so far. My girls are now cool, savvy 9 year olds, minds of their own! Always good to have differing opinions in times of trauma! thank you. xxx

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 07/05/2012 07:23

Honey, it's a good thing that they see their fathers fiancé as 'wonderful' . It means they are happy to be with her, that she is nice to them, that they are comfortable with her.

We all want our kids to be happy, to be loved. It would be far far worse if they didn't like her wouldn't it?

As for the wedding, well if they are little girls then it's quite likely that they will love the dressing up, looking like a princess and getting attention
(Disclaimer: I do know there are girls that don't like this - incl my own neice who wore a suit and tie to my brothers wedding!).

Just try to be happy for them. Their dad and their (soon to be) stepmother want them to be a part of their day. Want them to be involved. It's a good thing, really Smile

Chubfuddler · 07/05/2012 07:26

It must be very hard to watch your children having good times with someone who treated you badly. However as others have said, they will draw their own conclusions about his revolving door emotional life in due course. Plaster a big fake smile on your face and let them do it.

fuzzpig · 07/05/2012 07:27

My stepdaughters were 9 at our wedding, and were my bridesmaids (my stepson, 16, was a witness) - one did a reading, the other was too shy. She actually wore trousers and waistcoat as she doesn't like dresses :)

Original poster
earpiece · 07/05/2012 07:28

Thank you. you talk sense! still feeling unhappy come round and give me a slap! xxx

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 07/05/2012 07:29

Nobody would expect you to actually be happy about it! Of course it's difficult.

WMDinthekitchen · 07/05/2012 07:30

They want to have pretty dresses, attention and enjoyment of the party. How could you prevent this if it happens in his time with them? If you try to do so they will never forget it. Don't make them miserable to try to a) make you feel better (it wouldn't), or b) upset their father (which it would). That's the crucial thing, he is their father. To them he isn't an ex anything. Very hard, but the ex part is yours and yours alone to cope with.

Original poster
earpiece · 07/05/2012 07:33

Thank you! SUCH A LOVELY MESSAGE. it is such a mum thing - i had to battle to have the twins- daddy was down the abortion road all the way so i feel he is such a hypocrite all the way because he never wanted them and now they are trophy children - believe me, that is true. He only pays attention when family are around. M xxxx

OP posts:
DPrince · 07/05/2012 07:33

You are nbu to be unhappy about it. I get that feeling, its just part of being a parent. Slap on a smile and do what's makes them happy. :)

HillyWallaby · 07/05/2012 07:34

Let them wear the pretty dresses and have a party! It matters not a jot really, whether this marriage will last or not, as long as they have stability with you, and they still see their dad regularly and know that he loves them, irrespective or how unstable his lovelife may or may not be.

Allowing them to be bridesmaids (which let's face it, is a bit like being asked to play Mary in the school nativity but with a nicer dress and a good party afterwards) is hardly going to make them reflect deeply on the sanctity of marriage and the solemn vows of lifelong commitment, is it? I don't think they are going to be scarred for life if the marriage fails, any more than they would if they hadn't been bridesmaids.

By allowing this you are not opening them up to potential damage and heartbreak if it all goes wrong again. I think you are over-thinking it a bit.

Original poster
earpiece · 07/05/2012 07:36

Best comment so far. put on the fake smile and get on with it it.x

OP posts:
Original poster
earpiece · 07/05/2012 07:39

Thank you. feel so much better! off to make bacon butties for my rug rats! xxxx

OP posts: