My ex getting married again and wanting our daughters to be bridesmaids....

[earpiece]

the father of my children, is on the way to his second wedding since our break up. He has asked if our children can be bridesmaids at a wedding to a woman I have never met, who sees my children every fortnight, who I do not know, and the thought makes me feel physically sick!

I agree with LtEveDallas and HillyWallaby.
Paint on the fake smile and get on with it.

You've got to be dignified when this sort of thing happens otherwise it always comes back to bite you on the arse. Think 'What would Nicole Kidman do?' She was super dignified in the face of fairly awful treatment, IMO, it's all come off well for her.

I've not been in the situation but I think I might be seeing why you don't want them to be involved. This is what I've got from it;

He only wants them there to been seen as a wonderful doting father and not because he wants hiss daughters involved in is special day.
It's his second marraige since you (in a reasonable short space of time in a marriage sense (assumed as the twins are 9), and the chances are there'll be another (seeing he's not nice)
it's totally shite seeing him having another relationship and having someone love him enough to marry him. It's very hard to understand how this happens because he's not a nice person.
It hurts like hell that your daughters like another woman.

Saying all of that, let them be bridesmaids, and see it as a day where they get to dress up all pretty and have others mad a fuss of them. They'll love it.

Within time, if they don't already, they see what he's like and liking another woman isn't ever going to replce you. It's just liking her, and it's a good think that they like her because they spend time with her.

The father of your children?

They are half his. If he wants them to be bridesmaids and they are happy with it (without you subtly influencing them to say no) then you would be out of line to stand in the way.

That's very grim. I can understand why you don't want them to do it.

But everybody here is right, you have to let them get on with it.

Him playing happy families and having bridesmaids on his umpteenth marriage just looks rubbish, and everybody watching will think that too.

And plan now for a fab treat of a day out for you whilst it's all going on.

Think about the bride as well, is it her first marriage?
She's been nice to your children, otherwise they wouldn't like her and you want that to continue don't you? The treating them as wanted and loved and appreciated and special?
The woman wants to marry your ex, however ill-advised you may think it. Let her enjoy her day.

At least your ex is including your DDs. When my dad married my stepmum he didn't even invite my sister and I, let alone ask us to be bridesmaid

Does it matter to you that much if they are bridesmaids? Ofcourse it's shit that your ex's relationships don't work out and it must upset your DDs, but the wedding is just a big party and has no bearing on whether the marriage will last longer than the wedding cake.

I'd allow it. It won't hurt them, and they may as well get to dress up and feel special and have a nice day.

He's their father. Of course he wants them to be there and be bridesmaids.

Oh, may I add, when my mother remarried for the first time, she had a little flower girl, but did not have me in her wedding party, I was same age as your daughters. I was sat with people I didn't even know. I had lot's of aunts and uncles, I don't know why I wasn't sitting with them, and I wasn't the type to ask or make demands. So I sat there quietly not talking, in a chair that didn't even face my mother. Typical of my mother...she said and I quote "It is in bad taste to have your own children in your wedding party"
She still is a selfish .........person.

NOT saying you are selfish, sorry it kind of looks that way... I am bitter regarding my mother.

drip drip drip....theyre his children too and he has every right to have them there regardless of whatever it is you'll say about him next

OP, no matter how many women your ex marries, you will always be your daughters' mother. You can never be replaced, so be the good guy, let them be bridesmaid and everyone will think how gracious you are being.

Behind the scenes, you can quietly scream into a pillow, but be careful your feelings don't get picked up on. They will remember the faintest whiff of awkwardness and it will tarnish the day. I speak as the daughter of two bitterly divorced parents, and I ALWAYS knew when my parents were pissed off with each other. It just made me feel bad and guilty and I felt that I couldn't make either of them happy.

Be glad their new step mother is nice and likes them. It would be awful if she made them miserable and didn't like them.

If your ex really is twat, your daughters will realise that in their own time and have renewed respect for you one day.

BTW even if it was in "my" time with them, I would still let my DDs be bridesmaids.

If you were getting remarried, you'd want them there and as bridesmaids, so why shouldn't your ex?

YANBU to be pissed off but you need to practice that smile and send them off to have a fun day, getting dressed up and having fun. They'll realise soon enough what he's like.

Do not put on a fake smile, your children will see through that at once. From their POV they are going to their father's wedding in a very special capacity and they will be thrilled. You must just suck it up I'm afraid.

This isn't directed at OP, but someone please explain, as suggested in a lot of replies, why in this day and age the mother should 'allow' this?
Surely the girls as equally his and he does not need the mothers permission, in much the same way as she wouldn't need his permission?
Apologies for the rant, this is a little close to home and I am struggling to understand why it is so commonly accepted that mum has some sort of superiority and final say?
I realise this isn't your post OP and you weren't agonising over allowing it, please don't let it become that.

You are right TWW and I did think twice when I used the word allow - I almost did say exactly what you have just said, but I felt that it would only attract the inevitable slew of replies along the lines of 'I have custody, he can't just go around making decisions without checking with me first'.

Which of course is right on the bigger things in life, but surely with the smaller things (like this) he should be able to just make the decision jointly with the girls and it really shouldn;t have anything much to do with their mother.

I think when I said 'allow' I did not so much mean 'give permission' I just meant allow it to go ahead unchallenged and without making a fuss or being obstructive.

Let them go, or you will end up being the bad guy.
The fact that the bride wants the children as bridesmaids is a great thing. There are ome brides who dont want to be reminded of their partners former life particularly on their wedding day.

I'm like Hilly - I wouldn't have said I was allowing or not allowing - I would have made sure it happened without fuss or challenge

Hilly, I posted that and immediately thought maybe I was being too harsh and not acknowledging the bigger picture so thank you in taking it how it was meant.

I am to be a step mum to a lovely little girl who I have been in contact with since she was born. I treat her as my own, and her real mum should have no worries about her spending time with me. Looking at your issue from the other side, I dearly want her to be my bridesmaid, but her mum is refusing, just to spite me and the girls dad. As other people have said, she will grow up resenting her mum for making the decision for her. She is too young to understand and speak up for herself. Your children will think all the more of you for letting them do this. Being a bridesmaid is a wonderful experience (I know that from my own experience), and to be a bridesmaid to their own dad is even more special.