Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to have nothing more to do with MIL?

63 replies

PamelaShipman · 06/05/2012 22:08

Sorry, another MIL thread. And sorry also that it's a bit dramatic and probably doesn't belong on AIBU but please bear with me, my head's everywhere at the moment.

I posted a few weeks ago in the relationships section about MIL and her visit to me and DH in the week after our son was born. I was asking then basically the same thing due to her general hurtful behaviour. I bit my tongue as we don't see much of her anyway and because I'm not very assertive.

Anyway, something really really awful happened to DH this week. I don't want to speak about what it was, but please trust me, it was so awful that he seemed to lose his mind and disappeared in the night a couple of nights ago. When I woke up at 7am, he was gone and so was his car. He'd left a note indicating that we'd all just be better off without him, left his mobile phone, and took no money or debit cards with him. I thought he'd killed himself.

I reported him missing to the police who were round straight away, asked for a picture of him, numberplate to track the car etc. I contacted his mum to let her know the situation and asking her to please get in touch if she heard anything from him or found out that he was safe. She said she'd ring me after she finished work...

Throughout the day more people got involved in looking for DH, his work colleagues, my family. I got more and more frantic at home with 4 week old DS, convincing myself DH must be dead. I called his mum a few more times throughout the day with no response, then after I kinew she would be home from work I called her mobile and landline a few times.

Eventually DH answers her landline. MIL lives on the opposite side of the country. He'd been with her for a few hours. I cry/shout etc and DH makes his way home (where he has now got help and will never ever ever be putting me or DS through something like that again. I'm not excusing his actions, I'm really angry at him but it's totally out of character and another issue altogether).

I can't get over MIL being so cruel knowing that I was in turmoil at home, that I was on my own with a tiny baby, worrying that DH was dead and for hours he was sat with her in her house. I can't believe she didn't call or even text just to say he was safe/alive/with her, and that she didn't answer or respond to any of my calls. For the first time I have pulled her up and told her this, to which she was completely indifferent and unapologetic. WIBU to have nothing more to say to her or to do with her given this and previous behaviour?

Please don't be too harsh, feeling fragile.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 22:48

I agree she should have rang you

But I also think you don't know that she might have had a very good reason not to at the time...one that she's playing down now at your DH's request.

It seems to me that you need his Mum onside more than you probably think if your DH is prone to this sort of behaviour.

Original poster

PamelaShipman · 06/05/2012 22:49

Squeakytoy -

DH was gone when I woke up at 7am.

I contacted MIL before she started work explaining he'd gone missing and to let me know if she heard anything. She told me she'd call me after she finished work.

DH would have got to her in the early afternoon, which is when she would have finished work. I was calling her for a few hours after this.

OP posts:

edwinbear · 06/05/2012 22:50

Your dh arrives, presumably unannounced, at his mum's having driven halfway across the country. She knows that you are worried sick about him and have a new baby at home. A normal reaction to that would be to tell him how relieved she is that he is OK and how relieved his wife will be that he is OK - and then to tell him to call you, or if he prefers, she will call you, but someone has to call you. Not to allow you to sit at home worried sick.

Original poster

PamelaShipman · 06/05/2012 22:53

Worra, he's not prone to this behaviour, I had a nice normal boring life last week. He had never done anything even slightly similar to this.

But if his mum being 'on side' is not letting me know DH is alive when reported missing, not making any contact with him after he came home to see how he is, and not seeing how she could have acted in any way differently I'd hate to see what kind of enemy she'd make.

And Olimpia - I know I need to sort my issues out with DH, we are. I know that's the main issue. I suppose it's just easier to have a vent about something else which is more clear cut.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 22:55

Right, so you were calling her at home, he was there knowing you were calling her.. yes she should have said something, but it sounds to me like he was pressuring her into not telling you that he was there.

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 22:58

It's so hard to say without knowing what happened that led up to it....

But even if he's not been prone to that behavior in the past, what he did was extremely manipulative.

Therefore, it's possible he might display the same sort of behaviour in the future...hence me thinking you might want to think twice about having nothing more to do with her.

Original poster

PamelaShipman · 06/05/2012 22:59

Squeakytoy, no he wasn't sat there knowing I was calling her. I was calling her mobile and she wasn't answering. I called the landline a few times and when she didn't answer it, DH picked it up as it kept going off and she wasn't answering it, not knowing it was me.

And even if hypothetically DH had told her not to say he was there, why couldn't she text to say she'd heard from him, he was somewhere else but safe, or just a text to say 'he's ok'. I wasn't even asking her to tell me if DH was with her, just if she heard anything. 'He's safe' would have been fine.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 06/05/2012 23:01

I would also second what Worra says.

He may have got previous form for this type of behaviour. His mother may well have had similar situations before where he has turned up and told her his version of events and asked her to say nothing.

Your previous thread about her (which I just read) seems to indicate that his relationship with her isnt great, yet it speaks volumes that she is the person he runs to at his lowest point.

She would definately be better a friend than an enemy.

Original poster

PamelaShipman · 06/05/2012 23:02

Worra - yes, what he did was shit. Whatever his state of mind, whatever had happened to him, he shouldn't have done it. But clearly if he did do something like that again, she would do the same thing - be no support whatsoever - so I might as well cut my losses with her anyway. If DH did do that again he wouldn't be welcome home.

OP posts:

ballstoit · 06/05/2012 23:02

It's a bit tricky to judge based on the information we've got here. Was the awful thing that happened to DH linked with you in any way? Could MIL feel that you were to blame for him feeling so desperate? On the face of what you've said she does sound either selfish and nasty or a bit self absorbed, but as others have said, she's the last of your worries at the moment.

Apart from anything else, wouldn't you refusing to speak to his mother be adding to your DH's issues and making things about you, rather than being supportive to him?

Original poster

PamelaShipman · 06/05/2012 23:04

Yes Squeakytoy I find it difficult to understand why he went to his mum given his relationship with her even if he does know no-one else. I think he was running away from what had happened to him rather than running TO her ifkwim?

OP posts:

Original poster

PamelaShipman · 06/05/2012 23:10

Sorry, a previous poster was right, I shouldn't really have posted anything without being able to give all the details. All I have done is put across a confusion scenario.

OP posts:

Original poster

PamelaShipman · 06/05/2012 23:10

*confusing

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 23:11

It is a bit confusing because her reaction could have had so much to do with the scenario that you can't tell us about IYSWIM.

claudedebussy · 06/05/2012 23:14

i'd fucking lamp her.

did you give her a piece of your mind?

Original poster

PamelaShipman · 06/05/2012 23:14

If it helps, she didn't know what had happened, just that he'd turned up at hers and that I had reported him missing and that I was concerned for his safety. (And would have had no reason to believe it was anything I had done, which it wasn't)

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 23:16

And yet she's made no contact with him since he left her house?

Are you sure she doesn't know what happened?

Original poster

PamelaShipman · 06/05/2012 23:17

Claude - I just said I couldn't believe she knew I was so worried and that she hadn't even told me he was safe. She said that I hadn't been waiting that long until DH had happened to pick up her landline anyway. He'd been at hers for a few hours, which felt like years at the time!

OP posts:

Original poster

PamelaShipman · 06/05/2012 23:18

Worra - after I got hold of DH she was told what had happened.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 06/05/2012 23:22

Your DH could be acting manipulative or he could've had a real mental health crisis.

Right now, forget about the MIL. She's the least of your worries. Instead, worry about your DH and make sure he gets the support and medical help he needs.

LapsedPacifist · 06/05/2012 23:24

I think your relationship with your MIL is the least of your worries right now. Do you think you might actually be projecting the anger you should be feeling towards your DH onto your MIL?

You have absolutely no idea what she was going through with your DH after he turned up at her house. He might have told her not to contact you under any cicrumstances. He might have been threatening to do all sorts of stupid things and SHE was having to deal with the situation there and then.

mynewpassion · 06/05/2012 23:25

Again, you don't know what happened during those few hours. It could be the case of your MIL believing that your DH's mental state took precedence over your worry.

Is your DH getting the medical help he needs right now?

ifitsnotanarse · 06/05/2012 23:25

I'm sorry things are so awful for you, especially so soon after the birth of your LO. You need a big hug, a and a good night's sleep, if that is at all possible.

Your MIL should have contacted you to let you know that he was safe, regardless of everything. However, perhaps now is not the time to cut relations with her as it may cause extra strife between you and your DH.

Hope things get better soon.

ravenAK · 06/05/2012 23:42

MIL is the least of your worries, definitely.

Turning it on its head, let's say you had a spectacular crisis & ran off to your parent(s). You arrive there in a right state, insisting that they should not contact your dh. At all. You've left a note, your head is (for whatever reason) all over the place, & they are NOT to contact your dh.

A reasonable parent would say 'look, your spouse is worried sick about you, going frantic & looking after your child - I need to text to say you're here, & safe, at least'

You say: 'NO no no - don't tell dp I'm here!'

What are they going to do?

It's an awful situation for MIL to have been in. Your dh was the one who needed to contact you, & for whatever reason he didn't feel he could. Yes, arguably MIL should've texted you, but it's really not black & white.

Honestly, it seems to me she made a dubious judgment call rather than being 'cruel'.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 07/05/2012 00:03

Pamela I've just read through your Toxic MIL thread.

There was no way on this earth she was going to contact you and let you know your DH was safely there, was there?

Did your DH ever write the letter to her to explain the situation of how she's affecting his morale and undermining you.Not to mention ignoring your DS.

Cut her out . What good is she doing you?

But why did your DH go to your MIL rather than his step mother? Is it a distance thing? Does Step mum live too far?

I can't think of any reason why I would let your MIL darken my doorstep again.
for you.

Flip

1 2 3