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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a little upset that ds was second choice

35 replies

kalia · 06/05/2012 19:30

Ds has been good mates with one particular boy at school from nursery to the juniors they go to now.
We have this mate over a lot and have taken them both out together on occasions.
Another lad at the school is also a good friend and they have become a bit of a threesome but ds and this one lad have always spent the most time together and I have had the mate over at my house fed him looked after him whilst his mom has been at work.
I have noticed that the other two lads are getting more pally of late and are arranging sleepovers without inviting my ds.

Ds's best friend is going on a holiday this year and his mom had said he could take a friend however he chose to ask the other lad first and because he was unable to come my ds was asked second.
I feel a bit gutted tbh.
They are aged 11 btw.

OP posts:

youarekidding · 06/05/2012 19:31

How does your DS feel about it?

Original poster

kalia · 06/05/2012 19:33

He seems okay but not sure if he is mature enough to notice this sort of thing atm if you know what I mean.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 06/05/2012 19:34

YANBU to be upset, but I think this is basically part of being a child. Friendships are fickle at that age.

Original poster

kalia · 06/05/2012 19:35

I don,t think its clicked that these two are getting close really and possibly starting to leave him out a little.

OP posts:

Original poster

kalia · 06/05/2012 19:38

Thanks Tidy I was concerned that people might lay into me saying that I am being stupid.
Its just that ds can be a little fussy over friends and I have always been grateful for his friendship with these two lads more so the one than the other and its upsetting me to see them starting to leave him out.
He is an only child.

OP posts:

seeker · 06/05/2012 19:38

"He seems okay but not sure if he is mature enough to notice this sort of thing atm if you know what I mean."

Could be that he is mature enough to notice this sort of thing, and also mature enough to realise that these things happen.....

TidyDancer · 06/05/2012 19:39

Oh gosh, you're not being stupid! I would be upset too! It's just that next week, it will be your DS thick as thieves with this boy again. It's just what happens I think.

NagooIsBuildingAnArk · 06/05/2012 19:40

Then you need to hold it down.

It is for your DS to feel upset or whatever he does feel about this, and you have to support him.

It does no good to project your feelings about being left out or him being second best.

quickhide · 06/05/2012 19:42

After they've been on holiday together they will probably be thick as thieves again! Don't take it to heart, it's just kids. As long as they aren't being mean to him.

Original poster

kalia · 06/05/2012 19:44

I am not sure seeker.
I have tried to steer him onto other mates but he isn,t interested in anyone else not out of school anyway.
Also he keep asking for either one or the other to come over and I feel that we should lay off a bit now but they are the only friends he has out of school.
Its all become onesided we doing all of the inviting and no return invites but now I am finding that they are going to each others.

OP posts:

Pinkshoes2 · 06/05/2012 19:44

Kalia its hard not to feel a bit sad for your ds. If it was me id be encouraging my ds to join something like a new youth club etc to make new friends. I wouldnt want him to go unless he really wanted to if it was my ds. I dont know if my way would be right or not but at the end of the day its your sons friends.

Original poster

kalia · 06/05/2012 19:49

they are good kids can,t see them being mean to ds, but I am still finding it hard to see them doing stuff without ds.

OP posts:

Original poster

kalia · 06/05/2012 19:49

clubs have never worked with ds it becomes a battle getting him to go.

OP posts:

Pinkshoes2 · 06/05/2012 19:53

All you can do is encourage him to make new friends elsewhere, and just dont rely too much on these two boys. Be friends with them and make new ones too would be better, it depends on where you live if theres many other kids about though.

Angelico · 06/05/2012 19:56

This happens Kalia - happened to me! My 'best mate' in first year at secondary school got very friendly with a new girl who was a bit of a bitch. They gradually spent more and more time together and I felt excluded, spent a lot of time alone for a couple of months - but met lovely new friends who were my friends for the rest of school.

One thing I will say is that sometimes these friendships drift because they are meant to if that makes sense. In my case if I'm brutal about it I was much more academic than my first friend and I think we would have drifted apart anyway over time. New friends were much more on the same wavelength / academic level and we all got on brilliantly. So if the friendship drifts try not to worry - your DS will find new friends.

And for the record - a friend recently ran into the 'new girl' - and she is STILL a real bitch :o

Rhubarbgarden · 06/05/2012 20:37

This is life. Friendships change. People move on. You can't protect him from this, all you can do is make sure he has the opportunities to make more friends, then it's up to him.

3monkeys · 06/05/2012 20:43

This has happened to Dd who is 10 recently. I feel heartbroken for her but she has never moaned or complained. I have encouraged her to have new friends and invited them over and the return invites have really boosted her. Persevere and he will branchout

BBQJuly · 06/05/2012 21:05

Agree with not making a big thing of it, but trying to encourage new friendships elsewhere.

dexter73 · 06/05/2012 21:09

Is he going to go on holiday with his friend?

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 21:12

I think it's perfectly reasonable OP.

When I was that age I had 2 best friends and if I could have taken 1 on holiday, I'd know exactly which one to choose first.

Not because I liked her more than the other but just because she enjoyed more of the same things as me.

If she couldn't have come, I'd have no problem whatsoever in asking the other one because I'd have really wanted her to come too.

Sometimes when you're forced to make a choice, it's a little like tossing a coin.

diddl · 06/05/2012 21:13

I´d be quite concerned that the holiday wouldn´t go that well if the friend prefers the other boy tbh.

DeWe · 06/05/2012 21:35

I was in a three most of the way through secondary, and at any point I think we could all have told you which 2 were closer and would tend to partner if we had to be only in a 2 (although we usually tried to wangle being in a 3). We all had times of being the third, but we stayed good friends throughout.

BackforGood · 06/05/2012 21:37

YANBU to feel a bit sad, but, you have to accept this is life really. Friendships evolve, and things change.

cory · 06/05/2012 21:41

Also, you must take care not to confuse your relationship to this boy (I have had the mate over at my house fed him looked after him whilst his mom has been at work) with the need of these growing lads to form their own friendships based on personal preference. They're growing up. Presumably you don't base your own adult friendships on how well your friends know your parents? It's all part of the independence thing.

DinahMoHum · 06/05/2012 21:42

dont take too much notice. The holiday will strengthen their friendship again im sure

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