To feel a little upset that ds was second choice

[kalia]

Ds has been good mates with one particular boy at school from nursery to the juniors they go to now.
We have this mate over a lot and have taken them both out together on occasions.
Another lad at the school is also a good friend and they have become a bit of a threesome but ds and this one lad have always spent the most time together and I have had the mate over at my house fed him looked after him whilst his mom has been at work.
I have noticed that the other two lads are getting more pally of late and are arranging sleepovers without inviting my ds.

Ds's best friend is going on a holiday this year and his mom had said he could take a friend however he chose to ask the other lad first and because he was unable to come my ds was asked second.
I feel a bit gutted tbh.
They are aged 11 btw.

Friendships are not static and as a mother you can't manage it. DS had a best friend all through primary school. At secondary they added a new one- he cut out DS, DS was very upset - once he accepted it he moved on and made other friends. I was upset- there is nothing you can do except encourage other friendships.

Once they get to 10/11 they start to develop different interests. They realise they have different tastes in music, sport, activities, etc.. Their personalities and grown up selves are starting to develop. They start to make their own friends and soon have bigger ponds to find them from.

It's understandable that you are upset, but it is your job to help your ds realise that friendships go through phases and that change over time. I think that's true for adults as well as children, so this needs to be a learning experience for him.

Has he started secondary school yet? If not, then this is probably not a bad thing anyway as he will make new friends at secondary and it will probably help the transition if he is not too attached to just one or two friends.

As a parent you help them get over disappointments, you have no control over friendships. It is a learning process and they need to manage it when younger or how will they cope later on when 'the love of their life' dumps them?
Starting secondary school is an age where friendships change, some are simply outgrown.

3 sided friendships are always lop sided, one likes one over the third person, whilst another likes the two equally. But it changes with time, and if he's OK with it then smile and be happy for him.

As for whether he notices it, I'm sure he would - my son had this at aged 5 and he surely noticed being left out of invites etc, so surely 11 year old has this worked out, but as someone said maybe he is OK with it.

But in case the two drift away from your son, make sure he develops some friends outside these 2... join an out of school club, invite neighbours kids out for the day somewhere.

Then if he does feel separated from other 2 he has other friends and other interests.

Thanks
I have had some fantastic replies feel much better about it.

It is one of the hardest things about being a parent.

Here's an alternative view from a mum of boys - they are totally oblivious to this sort of thing. Girls (and women) are much more tuned into the subtle nuances of relationships than boys. The boys kind of live in the moment and don't obsess worry about "best friends" and such.

You're projecting I'm afraid. He'll be fine.

I agree with carabos. My ds (now 15) will go round to one mate's house to watch the match with him, go off to Youth Club with another, go off to the cinema with another, hang out with another round here. There is no 'angst' from any of the boys that one friend is spending time with another friend without them. It's 'instant'... 'Do you want to...?' ds thinks yes or no, not "If I go to this with friend A, will friend B think we've left him out and be upset ?" before he makes his decision.

If they're 11 and at junior school, presumably they'll be off to secondary in the autumn and a whole new world of possible friendships for your ds will open up. So perhaps no need to stress too much about the dynamics of this one. Hope your ds has a great time on the holiday!