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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty but relieved about this.

32 replies

tightwad · 05/05/2012 20:49

We go off every easter on holiday with another family. Have done for the last 6 or 7 years.
Always in England, Haven that sort of thing.

me, dh & ds 8
them, pal, her dh, dd aged 5 and ds aged 10 who has got behaviour issues, assessed for aphergers, adhad.
The last 2 holidays have been very very challenging all around this boys behaviour. Its kinda full on, whirlwind and difficult becuase all plans are according to his preferences and needs.
This was ok, we fitted in without fuss, and over the years have got to know him well.
I adore him, he is my Godson and i love him tonnes...not so much what comes with him as it is very challenging and can be draining but he is bright, funny, very loving and sweet Smile

Pal phoned today to say she wanted to book next year early. Its going to be aprox £350 per family for one week.
We are having the bathroom done and have bought a caravan so cant afford that as well.
DH has said that he would rather not go away with them for a few years as the boy has been very hard work the last couple of years, dh says that he has not enjoyed these holidays.

soooo, i told her that we couldnt afford it.
Feel bad as she really is a fantastic mum and i feel a bit like im turning my back on her a bit.
Oh cant explain very well, but feel really really guilty for feeling relieved that we are not going away with them.
Sad
gonna get lynched here i know. Sad

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/05/2012 20:51

You do realise now they know you've got a caravan you're all going to be stuck in it together for many a wet weekend to come? Grin

AnnieBody · 05/05/2012 20:51

It's your choice whether to go/pay for a holiday. I wouldn't feel bad unless you told her it was partly because of son.

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2012 20:54

if you can't afford it you can't afford it and that's that.

i have a son with asperger's/HFA and yes, i'd be kind of upset if I felt people didn't want to spend time with me because of him,
but then on the other hand I would try incredibly hard not to let his behaviour impact on everyone else around us!

don't feel bad.

laughlovelife · 05/05/2012 20:55

I wouldnt lynch you, you need a break, difficult behaviour is challenging, even with someone without behavioural difficulties.

Original poster
tightwad · 05/05/2012 20:56

ohh thanks girls, cant help it, he is my bloody yummy Godson and im avoiding spending time with him...thats awful and less than supportive.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 05/05/2012 20:57

It'll be Father Ted all over again worra Grin

You're supposed to be enjoying your holiday, and I'm sure your friend wouldn't want you to go along if you didn't want to.

You're not turning your back on her unless you won't see her any other time.

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2012 21:00

quite frankly I am often relieved when my son goes off to school and i don't have to have him all day!
it would be different if you were saying you never wanted to spend time with them ever again, but you aren't. PLUS you can't afford it, which is a perfectly good reason to say you can't go.

maybe you could get together for a weekend away later in the year or something? they could tent/hire caravan and you could take yours along?

RandomMess · 05/05/2012 21:00

Perhaps make the effort to see them for days and overnighters instead - it's easier to accommodate others for a shorter period of time and you still get a break when you and your dh and ds holiday together.

duckdodgers · 05/05/2012 21:06

Theres a big difference between actively avoiding spending time with your friend because of her DSs behavioural issues and not wanting to go on holiday with them, honestly. I dont get the wantingto go on holiday with friends anyway, holidays are just for me, DH and our boys.

Original poster
tightwad · 05/05/2012 21:07

Grin thisis, thats funny.

We do see them frequently, they come here for tea...they bring fab puddings...we go to thiers for tea...we bring fab puddings, we all eat vury well!!

Also go regularly for the kids to play together. That is one of dh's moans, the boy is into rugby and is a tall and big boy, when he rugby tackles our ds (who is in aged 6 clothing so tiny) he is very rough with him. Throws him round like a ragdoll.
They think that this is ok. Often comment that kids at their ds's school are soft because they cry and tell on him all the time for hurting them.

Its very awkward some times.

OP posts:
Original poster
tightwad · 05/05/2012 21:10

So, not actively avoiding, just cant afford holiday next year with them and feel we need a break on our own in our new caravan for a year or two.
Hopefully Godson will be a bit less challenging and flexible and will have matured with some self control as he will be 12/13/14.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 05/05/2012 21:13

ahh yeah, that's not on really is it? i wouldn't have anyone hurting any of my kids either :(

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/05/2012 21:16

Put aside completely your godson's behaviour. Put aside financial considerations. Just consider that you have gone away for Easter with this family for YEARS. YEARS!

Wouldn't it be nice to have a change?

Original poster
tightwad · 05/05/2012 21:21

thisis, the assessments have all revealed nothing. Although the assessors acnowledge that there is something "not quite right" he does not meet the criteria for aspy or addh etc.

If you met him, you would know very quickly that there is something woth him.
Most importantly they have got the statement in time for his highschool choices.
Very odd though dont you think? Did you have any issues getting him dx?

OP posts:
Original poster
tightwad · 05/05/2012 21:23

whereyou...we get on exceptionally well with them, have been friends for about 15 years, since before any of us married, had kids etc.

We are very similar and they are very very good friends, we always have had a fab time up until the last couple of years.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 05/05/2012 21:23

I have two girls with autism and we went away with two sets of friends last year and one of the family have a boy with autism too. Both us mums admitted after we were very stressed about how it was going to work and how we both manage our children. For us it worked well.
Our holidays are very much about our girls and so we rarely go with others because it's too much. When we have done we Pre warn others that staying together as a group isn't always possible and please do anything they want and don't worry about us.

Maybe you could offer to help friend, if you can't handle a week, think how hard she has it.

Lougle · 05/05/2012 21:28

It's not that unusual for a child to have traits of various disorders but not enough of them for a diagnosis, tightwad.

DD1 goes to special school and many, many of her friends (including her) do not have any firm diagnosis. In DD1's case, the nearest we have is 'widespread cortical dysplasia', which the Paed says is difficult to see on the MRI, the Radiologist is adamant it's there, and the Geneticist says that the phrase 'widespread cortical dysplasia' is a bit strong for what can be seen Confused.

The only thing they can agree on, is that the best description for her brain is that 'it is all a bit squiffy' Grin

YANBU to take a break. YANBU to feel guilty, either though. I would.

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2012 21:28

no, we had no issues getting a diagnosis, however it has to be said that in our area they do seem very good at this.
i know others who live closeby but who are under different set of paeds who are having a hellish time getting a DX despite their son clearly having ASD so it isn't always an easy journey

I have to say, that I wouldn't accept my son actively hurting other children, especially smaller children regardless of any SN.
I think that's quite shocking

RandomMess · 05/05/2012 21:32

Presumably he has enough social skills to be told that he isn't allowed to do something and 95% of the time he would comply with that?

Seems they don't want the hard work of getting him to accept that certain behaviour isn't acceptable Sad

Stick with your evenings together and days out - perhaps have a ladies only weekend away Grin an then a dads only one!

sotilltomorrow · 05/05/2012 21:40

Only read the opening post, as mother of a son with aspergers would expect your 'friend' to assume the real reason is her additional needs son, however you try & dress it up.
Why don't your husband & you say that her disabled son & his associated behaviours are the real reason for avoiding contact?

Original poster
tightwad · 05/05/2012 21:43

They are very much northern "lads lad" type people! Bit of rough n tumble never hurt anyone!

They are fantastic with him tbf

OP posts:
Original poster
tightwad · 05/05/2012 21:45

Because sotilltomorrow that would be hurtful and unnecissary.
We wish to remain friends with these people for life.
His problems are not enough to stop us from sticking with them.

OP posts:
sotilltomorrow · 05/05/2012 21:49

So just post on an internet forum about the 'real reasons' behind the refusal of communal break while fobbing them off with nonsense - I think the parents will not be as gullible as you assume.

olimpia · 05/05/2012 21:50

OP you have the bloody right to go on holiday with whoever you like! You shouldn't feel guilty for being relieved that money is giving you an acceptable excuse to back out. I agree that you can't tell them the real reason, that would be hurtful to them. You sound Like a very sweet person.

lisad123 · 05/05/2012 21:51

Tbh I would rather my friends were truthful if possible but know its not always a good thing, especially if they don't see the problem themselves