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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel we need to move location to get peace from in laws

37 replies

Ticklemonster2 · 05/05/2012 16:02

For 10 years we have had problems with my in laws (MIL and SIL). Last weeks events have left me cold and doubting things will ever be any better.
To cut a long story short, last week my DH and I had a row. He called his sister telling her all about the row who then came to our house, was rude to me, bossed me about and then left. Meanwhile my brother popped in on his way back from holiday. While he was here I explained what had happened with my SIL and he felt it was very bad behaviour. While he was here my MIL came over. Not realising we were here (and listening) she started running me down and being very malicious. My brother was shocked and said that he felt this was very manipulative and divisive.
I am disgusted with my in laws.
This week MIL ,who knows now that I heard what was said, has been nagging to see us and our Ds. There has been no apology, nothing. This has happened many times now. They have both been malicious before and there has been one instance of physical assault from my MIL.
Advice please. I don't think I can put up with it anymore.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2012 16:08

If I were you, I'd want to move away.

What does your husband say?

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 05/05/2012 16:09

He makes excuses for them

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2012 16:09

Not once have you mentioned being annoyed at your DH for tittle tattling to his Sister.

Why did he fell the need to do that? Especially if he knows what his family is like?

You may feel 'we' need to move but what does your DH feel about it?

DontmindifIdo · 05/05/2012 16:10

So, you have a row, rather than deal with it, your DH calls his sister to slag you off and then she came over having been invited to join in the arguement and did just that? Your DH is as much as a problem as your ILs, that was increadibly disloyal of him to discuss your argument with a 3rd party, it's not your MIL you should be pushing for an apology from, it's the man you have married who showed you no respect. Did he stop your MIL when she was be rude about you? did he say "Don't talk about my wife like that" or ask his mother to leave, or did he just let her talk about you like that to him?

You don't have a IL problem, you have a DH not respecting you problem. That'll still be your main problem if you live elsewhere, it's just it won't be masked by your ILs behaviour. Deal with your DH first, if he doesn't see you as a team then your marriage is never going to be great.

DontmindifIdo · 05/05/2012 16:11

oh, and anyone who'd insulted me and asaulted me wouldn't be welcome in my home, regardless of what DH said.

TheUnMember · 05/05/2012 16:11

I'd say the problem lies with you DH not your inlaws. If you move the problem will just move with you.

TheHappyHissy · 05/05/2012 16:11

If I were you I'D move, with the DC and leave your treacherous H behind!

How DARE he slag you off to his sister and then allow her to be crappy to you in your own home. Did you stand up to her? You should have done, turfing her AND him out until they learn to treat you with respect.

Your MIL was running you down to whom? Your H? Did he not stop her, did he not correct her and stand up for you? What did he do about the assault? was that against YOU too?

You have a H problem. AND a MIL problem. In that order.

Stand firm and refuse to allow them to abuse you.

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 05/05/2012 16:12

Liberty, I was very annoyed at him squealing to his meddling sister.
Not sure my DH would move away from them. It could just be me and my DS...not sure.

OP posts:

HandMadeTail · 05/05/2012 16:13

Your DH needs to understand how disloyal it it is to bitch about you to his sister.

IMO, this is your problem, and moving away won't really solve it.

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2012 16:15

Yes but even if you moved with your son the problem isn't going to go away is it?

It might even get worse considering your DH will then probably be having your DS to stay and you won't know what the family are saying in front of him.

You really need to sort this out with your DH.

HandMadeTail · 05/05/2012 16:15

Oh, xposts with everyone.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 05/05/2012 16:15

What Worra and Dontminfd said.
DH needs to not run off to his family to divulge the details when you row.
ILs also are inappropriate and rude and should not have done what they did.

You don't need to move to see them less and not allow them to be rude to you in your own home. You just don't call after a row and don't let them into your home if they're disrespectful.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 05/05/2012 16:16

x posts

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 05/05/2012 16:21

I told my SIL to get out of my house....she refused. She said it was my DH house. I reminded her it's mostly mine as I pay the mortgage etc and that she would do well to remember that. his mother also commented that it was Dh house. Cheeky bitches! They locks have now been changed as they had keys and I was not happy with them having access to my home.
I have a huge problem with my husband and his disloyalty and am working out wether to stay or go.
He stood up for me to his Mother and has now told them to keep out of our business. However, I don't trust that they do and he has locked his phone so I can't see how much they are pestering him.
It's a very unhappy situation and I just want to tell them to get fuc!ed to be honest.
The assault was reported to the police and other agencies. I record everything now.

OP posts:

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 05/05/2012 16:30

Move away from all of them, you and and your DS. Your inlaws are bitches but your husband is worse because he is not only allowing it, he is adding fuel to the fire by involving his sister in your rows.

Your husband is allowing them to behave this way, but doesn't mean you have to.

DontmindifIdo · 05/05/2012 16:32

Why does your DH still allow them in the house at all after the assault? Why haven't you forced him to take a side once violence has got involved?

Your 'D'H can't tell them to keep out of your business when he invited them into your business by calling and telling them all about it. That right there is what went wrong this time. He went running to his family when you had a row. Of course they feel they can comment, they've been invited to comment. If your DH hadn't called his sister, they wouldn't know there was anything to comment about!

how about, you stay where you are but tell your DH if he calls his sister /mother after a row once more, you will throw him out? How about you stay where you are but your DH doesn't allow his sister /mother into your home without your permission? How about your DH backs you up?

ledkr · 05/05/2012 16:32

Blimey there are some crazy in laws out there. How close are they? I woiuld defo think about a move if they cant stay away,what is it with these over involved relatives.I couldnt live close to my pil they would literally be here all the time

ledkr · 05/05/2012 16:33

Not entirely normal for a brother to tell his sister about marital rows either really.

diddl · 05/05/2012 16:48

It´s all very well telling them to stay out of your business once he has invited them in...

DPrince · 05/05/2012 17:12

What diddl said. Also what words said, even if you split this problem won't go Away. They will keep getting involved while your H (can't call him dh) keeps inviting them in. Personally my mil wouldn't be anywhere near us if she had spoken about me like that, never mind assaulted me. I wouldn't need to make that decision because dh would beat me to it. He would never let anyone speak to me like that, even his family. I wouldn't allow my family to treat dh like that either. Your H has not his priorities straight. Maybe you need to tell him you are thinking of leaving, so he knows that's how bad it is.

DPrince · 05/05/2012 17:13

Damn phone I meant 'also what worra said'.

RabidAnchovy · 05/05/2012 17:16

If your H is on the mortgage take his name off of it, leave him and his fucked up family, take your son and head for the hills

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 05/05/2012 17:19

If there's been an assault in the past, I would insist DH cut all ties and ban them from your home, contacting either of you or seeing your DC.
This would have to happen straight away to save the marriage. If he refused, honestly I would leave him.

But only you can decide if you can live like this or not. You can't change your ILs, but DH can chose to alter his behaviour and attitude to save his marriage.

Hopandaskip · 05/05/2012 17:22

So DH telling sister is wrong, but DW telling brother is right? Not sure I get previous posters logic.

However SIL and MIL were completely out of order. I agree that DH is the problem though. I think you need to have a rational discussion when both of you have calmed down and talk about how 'even though you were angry with me, I am surprised and shocked that you were ok about your mother and sister getting involved and treating me that way'

DPrince · 05/05/2012 17:41

The difference us that the dws brother doesn't have form for going into someone's house and shouting the odds or assaulting the H. I assume. Everyone needs someone to talk to, if the H k owe how his mum and sister are going go act then he shouldn't be involving them. Personally I wouldn't have told my brother, I keep my family out of mine dhs relationship as I am fairly private. But there is a distinct difference in the situations.

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