to be a teeny weeny bit put out?

[itchitch]

I am sure a thorough flaming will follow and am happy to have my faulty thinking corrected for me!

I came home from work last night and dp told me that his dd had requested he go over to her house for most of the day today to help her out with something. However, she has requested that my dd and I do not go (something about not disturbing the animals).

Just to make it clear, I have no issue at all with him going to her house or even going alone and I am very fond of her indeed and we got along really well. The only bit of this that has put me out a teeny bit is the lack of notice. To be absolutely honest I feel a little bit hurt (don't really know why which is why I expect the flaming).

I think I may need to grow up a bit?

Maybe something came up last minute?

I think your last line is about right!

Fair enough - just that we did have some loose plans.

People do things sometimes on the spur of the moment, like deciding to decorate and would appreciate a hand from her dad kind of thing (how old is your SDD?)

Can you say why her asking at the last minute has hurt you? I don't mean that in a shitty way, I just can't see how one can get to the other if you get on as well as you say.

Is it you're hurt he's decided to leave you and your DD alone and it feels like he's 'chosen' his DD over you?

Yabu, you had no definate plans

His daughter will ALWAYS come first... that's what hurts you perhaps? It's how it needs to be. Perhaps she's just testing her powers of parent-love, once she finds that she's the priority, she will probably calm down.

I don't know that you need to 'grow up' as such, but you do need to accept your partner's responsibilities and manage your expectations accordingly. By similar token, you can also do things at short notice with your DD without notice - I would, in your position.

Maybe the OP had something planned for the weekend and would have appreciated a bit more notice?

Agent, I think what may be behind it is my normal feeling of rejection (which is something I battle with). Also, if I make any plans that are in any way last minute for any reason, my dp does not like it. Also we had a row last week and he told his dd about the row but no particular detail and there is a tiny, irrational part of me that is wondering whether she may be a bit annoyed with me, which in my logical mind I know to be untrue.

God, I sound like a right idiot - sorry everyone!

Lyin I a absolutely support and accept that his dd comes first - as mine do with me, which is why I have not made my feelings known to dp - just a little niggling going on with me.

It's not a side of my personality that I like.

itch... whether your DP likes it or not that you do things at short notice is not your problem. Do as you want to do. He has his responsibilities, you have yours and he expects you to 'take it', so must he.

You needn't make your feelings known to your DP if you don't want to, but certainly shrug off any attempt by him to dictate your behaviour (if he does - if not, apologies for misunderstanding).

He doesn't really try to dictate my behaviour but he does get funny about lack of notice whatever the reason which annoys me! I just know that if the boot was on the other foot he would not have been happy. He has been gone since 10 am this morning.

YABU, but you know this :)

Perhaps she just wanted/needed to spend a day with her dad. It's all gravy.

I'd like to see a lot more of my dad meself, but unlike you his fat slag of a whore insists tagging along behind us everywhere with a face like a slapped arse.

Shrug that off, itch, give it no credence whatsoever - he doesn't get to run your life by 'getting funny' about things he doesn't like. Take absolutely no notice of it, that's not on at all.

Itchitch, get yourself a copy of this book. I've seen it recommended many times on the step-parenting forum and bought it myself last week. It's an eye-opener, from all sorts of points of view.

(I am not a step-parent, but one of my future DILs will be, as well to be prepared!)

Sorry to hear that Peoples. That is the reason why I don't always "tag along" because I totally get that she wants to spend time with her dad sometimes. Laughing at your description of the slapped arse! It's funny because I like seeing her and I guess would have liked to have gone along - but I do understand. Just don't like the double standards of "notice given"!

Thanks OldLady, that looks interesting!

Thanks Lyin, I will not accept him getting funny about this kind of thing again!

One of the things that book emphasises is that step-children should not always have their wishes put first, that the couple should prioritise their own relationship first, so they can act as a team. Always giving in to the wishes of the dc can lead to them gaining far too much power in the family.

That's interesting OldLady and I agree that would be the case for younger children. Dsd is 20.

Ah.